Sex Toys/help please!
QUESTION: I an 24 years old, Im in my first long term relationship and we live together and we got pregnant RIGHT AWAY, now almost 4 years later we have a 3 year old and a 6 month old. Ever since our children came out its almost like they left me turned on, accept one problem... my boyfriend is a pre mature ejaculator and refuses to seek help for this issue. I've turned to masterbation for my pleasure while he's working because he's highly against it but he knows he dose nothing for me. I recently broke my vibrator I've had for the last while and I'm not too sure what to get so i have a few questions...
1. Where's the best place to order online in Canada?
I've been looking at pinkcherry.ca but there's so much to choose from! I get overwhelmed.
2. Which toys are the BEST for clitoral stimulation?
3. I NEED a powerful vibrator that does the trick quickly, what would you recommend?
4. Are rechargeable vibrators worth the cost?
5. Is there any way i can help my boyfriend without him knowing? Do you know anything about pre mature ejaculation? It drives such a wedge between us because i just cant help but feel like hes selfish and not interested in me or my needs even though its a legit issue! Any advice or suggestions?
ANSWER: Hello Krissy,
Thank you for your question. It sounds like you have a few different problems.
1. Masturbation and trying to find the right vibrator.
2. Your BF's premature ejaculation.
3. Relationship problems with communication and intimacy in the relationship.
The first problem is easy to solve. Yes, I recommend Pinkcherry.ca. They are the best in Canada for sure. I deal with them all the time.
For the best, most powerful vibe for clitoral stimulation I recommend a wand style vibrator. One of the smaller mini massagers on this page would be ideal, like the BodyWand-
I do like rechargeable vibrators, but I find they break down quickly. So, for that reason I would get a plug in one, like the Body Wand. They are also more powerful.
The second problem, your BF's premature ejaculation. This is a difficult issue, as he may feel ashamed about it, which makes it very hard for you to talk to him about it and for him to acknowledge it.
You could get a vibrating cockring and ask him to try it out with you. For him it will allow him to last longer and for you it will stimulate you during penetrative sex.
However, I think this issue has to do with the last problem communication and intimacy in your relationship.
Is there a way you can get him to use your vibrator with you before you have sex? Are there other ways he can stimulate you, like using his fingers before he penetrates you? I feel you need to reconnect with each other instead of simply masturbating (yes, masturbation is fine and healthy, but you are missing the intimacy in your relationship as well). Can you both take some time for a date night without the kids and have a long night of foreplay and stimulation, so you have time to get aroused?
Can you educate him about women and orgasm, letting him know that 70% of women need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm? Can you let him know this is about you, your body and how it receives pleasure and orgasm, and not about his ability (or inability) to perform?
You also say he is selfish, how is he this way? Because he doesn't want you to masturbate? or, because he doesn't want to have sex or pleasure you?
Is there a way you can both work together to pleasure each other, and take the time you both need to make your sex life more stimulating, fun, exciting?
Let me know if any of this helps, or if you need more info. I do hope you will talk with him about how you feel. But remember, don't accuse him, let him know that this is how your body is, and what he could do to help you be more orgasmic, and that you want to experience pleasure and intimacy with him. You could say something like "I would love it if we could have a romantic night together soon and give each other pleasure all night." or something like that.
Let me know if this helps.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thanks for the idea of a massager, I'm going to place my order this evening :-)
My boyfriend does say "i don't like sex because I'm not good at it"
I actually had a cock ring we tried once and it didn't seem to help any and he said he didn't like it.
I don't believe he agrees with using vibrators, last time he found one of my vibrators it ended up in the middle of my street turned on because he threw it out of the house, so i think the odds of him using one with me are very slim.
I believe your right about needing to reconnect with each other but i feel as if I've tried so much unsuccessfully that its really almost depressing. A date night is a great idea and we do foreplay, but it ALWAYS is in his favour and he thinks its fine for him to masterbait even though i take care of his needs but it isn't fine for me to do it!
At this point in our relationship we have vaginal intercourse about once a week, it lasts like 1 minute tops no kidding, and once he's done were done, we also do anal once every week or two and i do not enjoy it at all and he know that, but i do it for him! We have nights where i give him blow jobs or we do 69s but he's finished in 1-3mins and when he's done were done.
Whenever i mention sex during the day he for sure makes sure i don't get it those evenings, but rather when he's in the mood. Ugh i don't know, i love him more then life but especially since our last child i feel like i need to orgasm 1 time a day minimum and he does nothing for me what so ever, then i find myself more looking forward to the time he's gone and kids are sleeping so i can spend time with my vibrator! Do you think maybe there's something wrong with me?
I have explained to him that he isn't meeting my needs and he gets angry and says he wont be able to keep up to me when I'm thirty and says I'm going to end up cheating on him. You have knowledge and experience what do you think? Is this fixable or do i just keep doing what I've been doing?
It sounds like a very sad situation. No, I don't think there is anything wrong with you. You are a passionate woman and you deserve to be loved, wanted and treated like a sexual, sexy being.
It sounds like you are doing everything for him, to satisfy him, but he is being selfish, and doesn't care about your sexual needs. Really, you don't deserve that. He should be joyful with the love and sex you give him and are willing to do for him and should be giving that back to you tenfold.
We women tend to put ourselves last a lot. But at some point in your life, you come to the realization that you are not enjoying yourself, and something has to change.
I went through years with a man who wouldn't even have sex with me, and I masturbated. But, eventually, I realized I was really missing the intimacy and needed to be treated like a sexy, beautiful women. The day that realization came, I packed my stuff and left. I'm now with a loving beautiful man who treats me like a sex goddess. And, every woman deserves that.
Now, I'm not telling you to do that. Would he be open to relationship counseling at all? Can you try to talk to him again and tell him you really need him to consider how you feel?
If not, I'm not sure that you can fix things, if he is not willing to meet you half way. If that is the case, then I would look for ways that you can empower yourself, and not let him bring you down. Get counseling on your own if you can so you can at least talk about these issues with someone.
I read this today:
"Whatever you put your attention on, grows. Put your attention on
how much you suck, and you suck. Put your intention on noticing
your talent, your gorgeousness or your sweetness, and you are
talented, gorgeous and sweet. Put your attention on good things,
your world is good; put your attention on bad things, your world
is bad."--LiYana Silver
So, do good things for yourself, empower yourself, and if he doesn't see the beauty in you and give you what you deserve, he is missing out...
Not sure that helps solve your problem at all, sorry.
Sometimes the only fixes are change...
Hope you work things out at least for yourself.
Here is something I signed up for last week which is free. It may not help your relationship with your BF, but hopefully it will help inspire you:
Free Summit to Empower Women- Discover the feminine secrets to deepen self-love, embrace your sacred calling, and live an unstoppable life… The experts in the Healthy Passionate Women World Summit are donating their time so you can experience the transformation you need to realize all your dreams.Get access to this value-packed, online event at no cost. All you need is a phone or computer to participate from anywhere in the world.
Check it out here :)
Also, I recommend this counselor-
He is a friend of mine and very awesome.
He is very approachable and has a question page here where you can ask him a question for free-
He may be able to give you some advice to fix your relationship.
Take care & Wishing you the best.