Sex Toys/damage?

QUESTION: My husband and i have had pretty normal sex for most of our marriage. Sometimes.. most times i dont get off. So on my own time ill use my dildo to get the job done. My husband found out that i was using one regularly and it TURNED HIM ON. but the strange part is, he wants to incorporate it into our sex routine, not as foreplay.. but at the same time. Yes, he wants to have sex with the dildo inside me simultaneously in the same hole.

This was very painful at first, and we did it a 2nd time and it wasn't as bad. but now im afraid my vagina could be permanently damaged or stretched. I know this isnt your specialty, but in your personal opinion.. am i playing with fire here?

ANSWER: Hello imani,

Thank you for your question.

No, you won't get permanently damaged by putting a dildo and a penis in your vagina at the same time, if you do so carefully.  Babies come from vaginas, so they can and do stretch quite a bit.

That being said, there are some "rules" you should follow.

-Never do anything that you don't want to do, especially for the sake of someone else.  If you are not into it, or enjoying it, you vagina is not going to relax and lubricate properly.
-Stop if you are experiencing pain.  Just because the vagina can stretch, doesn't mean it can't tear or get damaged if penetration is too rough, hard, fast, or more than you can handle.
-Use lots and lots, and lots of lube.  Dildos dry the vagina out so you need lots of lube with them, and two objects at the same time would require lots of lube.
-Go slow, so you can relax into it and stretch gradually.  You should be in control of how fast, how hard and how deep both the dildo and his penis go, as well as the tempo.  Its your vagina.
-If you experience any bleeding after or during penetration, then it was too rough (fast and hard).  Wait until you heal, and next time take your time and do it slow. Or decide, you don't want to do it again.
-Practice kegels with a Jade Egg to keep you supple and give you a strong vagina.  This also helps you feel lots more, creates more arousal and desire and will intensify orgasms, or give you orgasms if you don't get them already.
-Cherish your vagina. Don't let anyone abuse it. A lot of trauma that happens in our lives gets stored in our sacral chakra, which is our vagina/womb. Practice chakra exercises for the sacral chakra, and be sure to treat you vagina with respect.
-Finally, don't do it if you don't want to.  Same as #1, but the most important.

And, if you don't get off during regular penetration with your partner, there are lots of other ways to get off.  I suggest taking a few courses on building desire, female orgasms, and pleasure.  There are lots of them offered online by sex coaches.

Hope that helps with your question.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for your response. Honestly I thought no one would want to answer me and I didnt know who to ask.

The problem is I've never gotten off with any partner I've ever been with. Not orally or vaginally. Thus, I've gotten very good at "taking care" of myself. Its just been something I've gotten used to and realize the issue is probably with me than them.

Also,  I'm afraid to tell my husband that I don't like it. I mean if he wants to use the toys as forplay, that's great. But double penetration seems too hardcore pornography for me lol. Its intense. I'm afraid to tell him because we don't really have sex very often, he doesn't have the desire and says he's too tired. I haven't let myself go or anything.. I'm the same as when we met maybe a bit better in shape. This dildo thing has sparked something in him and since I'm a sexual person I don't want to stomp it out ya know? I don't know what to do :(.

Hello imani,

I understand your concerns.

So, for the first issue (not getting off), I still recommend the Jade Egg exercises and taking an online program where you can work on building desire.  It sounds like you have blockages that are not allowing you to open up sexually with your partner, or anyone. The best way to fix any problem is to start with your self and work on you.  It will make you feel much better as you overcome obstacles and spend time working on yourself.  I have been doing this for the past 3 years (taking self-help courses online) and it has helped me grow immensely.

Masturbation is great, and often necessary.  However, I imagine you still want to share that intimacy with your partner.  Are there other things that turn him on?  What if you masturbated with your dildo while he watched and then had sex with you after?  What if you gave him oral, while he penetrated you with the dildo?  There are lots of things you can do to change the scenario up.

But, communication is KEY. You can tell him that you are very excited about exploring new things with him sexually, and you wanted to try the double penetration, but it was too much for you at this time.  But, you'd still like to use it in your play/sex together and suggest other ways of using it that you are cool with and doesn't hurt you.

Have you ever sat down together and made up your sexy bucket list?  It is actually pretty fun. Each of you write down 25 things that you'd like to explore together.  They can be anything from just romantic (like a weekend at a cottage), to very kinky.  Both of you need to open up and be vulnerable with each other to do this, but it can actually make the relationship much closer and sexually exciting.  Once you have your 50 things, you both go through the list and decide which things you would not want to do, things that excite you the most, and stuff that you may want to try but are unsure of.  You have to do this without judging each other's wants/needs/desires.

It also sounds like you guys have drifted apart emotionally as well as physically, and lost the spark.  So, again, I encourage you take a relationship course, that you can do by yourself to see what areas you can work on.

I recommend Stacey Martino -

There are lots of things you can do to reawaken the desire in a relationship, but it starts with you and how you approach it.  Stacey's courses will give you a new perspective on the relationship.

For working on your own desire and pleasure, I recommend -
She also has Jade Egg courses you can take. You can sign up to get free tips as well.

So, be honest with your partner, but in a way that respects his desires and lets him know you still want to explore sexually with him.

That is the best advice I can give you.  I hope it helps.

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