AboutTricia Expertise I was a single parent to my child his entire life. I have experienced many ups and downs that comes everyday with being a single parent. I have learned a lot throughout these years about child support/courts, ways to cope with the
daily stress, day care issues, work, ADD, relationships, teenagers, when to compromise and when to not, money issues, discipline issues, etc. I have done an excellent job raising my son who is now on his own and functioning well. I am currently an Executive of my company without any type of degree. My perseverance and strength has gotten me this far in life and work. I learned to understand what I need to focus on in life and what I can`t waste time on, learning to compromise most situations.
Question I have a 2 year old son. I left his father when I was 6 months pregnant. I dated him for two years (and he even lived with me for some of that). I was under the impression from the begining he was divorced. I had heard from a friend down the road that he wasn't and I confronted him. He brought me court papers to show it was not final (that should have been my first clue, I know) but that it was in the process and just not complete. Long story short he cancelled the divorce and didn't tell me and I found out later by calling the courts when it was taking so long. I finally left him because I realized he was full of lies and this wasn't what I wanted for my child.
He saw my child for the first time when I brought him to him at 3 weeks old for about 30 minutes. I had decided if he wanted to be a part of his life (even though I couldn't stand him at that point), I wasn't going to rob my son of that. The next time he saw him was when he walked by us (giving us dirty looks) at DNA testing, and he didn't say a word. He has had nothing to do with him since. I have told him he could, he just needed to set a day and time.
About a year ago his mom started calling me (my son's grandmother). Not even knowing my son's name (and by the way she was in on all the lies), she asked to see him and said she wanted to be a part of his life. I decided that even though I didn't like it, I did not ever want my son to hate me for keeping his "other" family from him so I allowed it. I allowed it with the understanding that we would not talk about my ex or what happened and that it would be a time for her to get to know her grandson. I also told her it needed to be consistant.
She calls every 6 months (this last time has only been three) to see him now. We meet and she gets to spend time with him. The last time was before his birthday and she brought a big present that said, "from Daddy, I love you". And he doesn't even know who that is. She was making comments the whole time about how he "looks like his daddy", and his "daddy loves him". He had just turned two and hadn't really picked up on any of it. He really didn't even know who she was.
My concern is that now he mentions the word "daddy". He goes to a daycare where he sees other kids "daddy's" all the time. We have pray everynight and he has asked, "what about daddy?". I say, "and daddy too". I will never be negative or pretend he doesn't exist, because I don't believe that's in the best interest of my child.
She called to see him again and I am wondering if I should allow her to talk about "daddy" the way she does. I don't want him to get confused because he doesn't even know this person. I am absolutely going to tell him anything he wants to know about "daddy" when he asks....but should I allow her to dangle it in front of his face when this person isn't there, or doesn't seem to care, and has had absolutely nothing to do with him? Should I tell her it is okay to answer questions about him if he asks but please don't bring it up? I'm not sure if that will cause more drama then it's worth...
I am desperate for some good advice. I just want the best outcome for my child, no matter what I feel about my ex or his mother.
Thanks......
Answer Hi Sarah!
You can never stop the grandmom from saying certain words and to tell her to stop would probably do no good.
However perhaps next time she says something as "your daddy loves you" I would say "he has a bad way of showing that" to let her know what she is saying is not true......maybe even say "I plan to be honest with my son at all times and I would appreciate you doing the same". I think she may need some hints to either be honest or shut up.
Your son is at the age that he will start noticing that other children have fathers and he does not and he will start asking questions. And I agree with you, always be honest with him when he does ask. It is important to not allow your son to feel he did something wrong for his father not to be in his life.
My sons father was not in his life for the first 4 years and whenever my son asked which he did alot about his father I was honest. And I am glad I did since at 4 years old his father decided to want visitation rights and if I had bashed his father it would have made it extremely difficult for my son to have any type of relationship with his father. However now that my son is 29 he has not seen his father for about 10 years....his father was a no good louse as I knew he was and it was shown to my son by his father.....my son feels his father is not a good person and my son chose not to have him in his life. So bad fathers are usually always bad fathers.
You sound like you are being a good mom -- focusing on your son's needs before yours.
