I hope my question fits to your category but if it doesn't just reject it.
The thing is that the majority of my life since the end of 6th grade, I was a bullied kid. People have tossed me around like a ball and I still have grudges against many people. To add more detail, I'd like to mention that in grade 7, I only ate my lunch once and as soon as I bought it, two bullies snatched it and took all of it.
My friends always snapped at me at being too naive and I cursed myself for being so weak. Back in my military high school, I was the most badgered and ridiculed person on the campus. One day, even my head mistress told my mother to try to develop confidence in me because according to her, the society enslaves people like me.
So I'm coming to the main point. I am the only son in my family. My father is a seafarer and he is rarely home. By nature, I'll say without any hesitation that I am naive but more accurately, a 'stupid person'. Plus my sisters are all much smarter than I am so call myself the runt of my litter.
To sum up, I have made a list of reasons why I lack confidence.
The first three reasons are from my uncle,
1. ''You were the only son in your family and your mother, for the most part, is a single parent. In your young age, she never let you go out much and just kept you inside the house (for fear of kidnapping) that's why you shudder while you talk to strangers.''
2. ''Whenever you used to play in childhood, you only played with my sisters and nobody else. You played with dolls, colors and other girly stuff. You don't know anything about rough housing or more masculine games.''
3. ''Every child has his/her own disposition. Some children, by nature are, aggressive, some are naughty, some are timid and so on. And you have an innocent and a timid disposition.''
4. As I told you before that my sisters are smarter and more assertive than me. And when I was a kid, I was actually controlled by my elder sister. Nowadays, I actually fear my younger sister! In short, one of the reasons I don't have any guts is that all my life, I have been controlled by women. If I lose confidence in front of my younger sister (a year younger), I sure as hell won't stand a chance against other guys.
5. When my headmistress discussed my issues with my mother, my elder sister used to bully me and torture me for being girly. Even my dad used to say to me that I was better off being a girl. And at those days it used to hurt me a lot. But my mother took to serious notice.
6. My maternal grandmother used to say that my mother also used to be very naive. Once on the phone, she had a very minute fight with her younger brother for being late on a work and after she hung up, she sat nervously for like 15/20 minutes with tears in her eyes. While even I don't get that nervous, especially my siblings. So I got that gene from my mother. My paternal grandfather, with whom I have a great friendship, said to me once, ''If you were born in my family, you would have been walking like a king. Your weaknesses are because of your mother.''
So due to these factors, I now have a very strained relationship with my family and I blame them for my weaknesses. Quite frankly, I'm consumed by my past and the hardships I have suffered. Am I right? Is my anger legitimate?
You have had some emotional issues growing up that probably caused you some pain but you need to try to get over them and be your own person.
Anger only festers into more anger so let go of the past and grudges and live for today and tomorrow.
You can not go back so try to accept the past as best as you can and look forward of finding the "real you".
Look for your strengths and try to accept your weaknesses. Work on making a better you. This will make you feel better.
We can not pick our parents and sometimes they don't know how to parent but as you grow up you can become your own person and leave behind all the negativity and hurt.