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Single Parenting/My Daughter Heard Me with My Boyfriend


I was married 20 years and went through a very violent, ugly separation. My daughter is 22 and my son is 15 now. We separated over 2 years ago. I lived alone in the beginning because my ex-husband kicked me out of the home. My daughter did not speak to me for months because her dad poisoned her about me. After a year, she moved in with me because they were not getting along. 6 months later she moved in with her boyfriend. This past December I was moving into a 2 bedroom and having my son come live with me. Right at that time my daughter caught her boyfriend cheating and moved back in with me. (Now looking for a 3 bedroom as my son is unhappy with his dad too at this point). Meanwhile I had been dating a guy for nearly 2 years who had commitment issues and my daughter never liked him. She thought I could do better and it was always an issue between us. Times he would want to spend the night and she wasn't having it. He and I finally split up earlier this month and I met another guy shortly after who has been absolutely amazing. He is a great guy and my daughter really liked him. The last 2 weeks we've been out together and he has been over to our place for dinner. Last night after dinner she went to her room and he and I sat on the sofa to watch some TV for a bit. I was not planning on having sex as I know how she feels about all that. We ended up playing around (not having intercourse) and I got a text from her saying "I can hear you". I freaked out, so did he - not realizing I was making noises and he left immediately. I went to her room and she was livid... saying I was so disrespectful, that I am her mom, not a roommate, etc. She is right and I let things get out of hand. I felt horrible and cried all night. The guy was horrified too and I told him to just back off, that I needed to fix things with her. Now I have this great relationship tainted and blew the image she had of him; and he really is a phenomenal man. I was the one encouraging the play and I am ashamed beyond belief. She and I have worked so hard to get to where we were and I've lost her respect and the only decent guy I have ever dated. I have no clue how to fix things. Please help.

Hi, Lisa, I don't think I really understand your question. It seems like you are saying this:

"I want to do whatever my 22 year old daughter tells me to do. And, if she doesn't like something I do and gets mad or upset, I am going to make myself feel horrible about forcing her to feel that way, and I am willing to do whatever it takes, so that she forgives me for forcing her to feel feelings that she doesn't like (or for doing things that she disapproves of)".

Is that what you are saying?

If so, I really don't have any solutions to the problem. It seems to me that there will always be something that our kids disapprove of, so, if that really is the problem, then you might be doomed.

If that's not it, pls send me a follow up question, and clarify, and I will answer again.

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Bruce Borkosky, Psy.D.


Questions such as 'what are some options for dealing with this problem' are easiest to answer. It's difficult, if not impossible, to diagnose anyone over the internet.


I'm a licensed psychologist, since 1994. I have raised several step-children.

American Psychological Association Florida Psychological Association National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology


Psy.D., Miami Institute of Psychology, 1993

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