Expert: Tricia - 7/31/2006

Question
Hi,

I have a dear lady friend and we are so very close. We are both single parents; the difference been that while i have been able to develop some cordiality with the mother of my kid, the father of her own kid had disappered since she was 3 months pregnant. We live in Africa and there are not laws compelling anyone to care for their children. Fortuneately she is a well paid executive and she can cope well enough. she has tried a number of times to contact him but he avoids her.

we are at a loss as to what to do, because the real issue is that the little boy need to know his dad sooner or later. i personally believe he could develop serious personality problems when he grows up and realises he was utterly abandoned by his dad.

could you suggest the best way around this or would you say my fears are baseless

thanks  

Answer
Hi Ini!

You can not make a man be a father if he decides he does not want to..........so I would suggest that your friend not waste her time trying to do so and spend that energy on her son.....something more worthwhile.

It is better to have one parent who really loves you than two parents when one does not care at all......I do not believe that a boy will have personality problems if they are raised without their father.......as long as the boy does not blame themselves for the father not being around......so your friend should be honest with her son and explain that not all men can be good fathers and unforunately his father is one of those men........she needs to make sure he is comfortable speaking about his father and putting the blame on his father for not being around instead of him.........your friend needs to make certain that her son feels comfortable about his father's lack of being in his life.........the mother should always be open and honest with her son and answer questions about the father if the son asks.........

Alot of children whether they are boys or girls have self-esteem problems at times when one parent does not want to be involved in their life......so it is really important that a child does not blame themselves........

My son had very little interaction with his father growing up and he is now 26 years old and a great man........I could not have asked for a better son.......I was always there for my son and still am so we have a great bond...my son realized his father was no good on his own and now does not have a relationship with him but only blames his father not himself......making my son well adjusted in life........

Hope this helps!
Tricia