AboutTricia Expertise I was a single parent to my child his entire life. I have experienced many ups and downs that comes everyday with being a single parent. I have learned a lot throughout these years about child support/courts, ways to cope with the
daily stress, day care issues, work, ADD, relationships, teenagers, when to compromise and when to not, money issues, discipline issues, etc. I have done an excellent job raising my son who is now on his own and functioning well. I am currently an Executive of my company without any type of degree. My perseverance and strength has gotten me this far in life and work. I learned to understand what I need to focus on in life and what I can`t waste time on, learning to compromise most situations.
Question This is my situation: Have been with my girlfriend for 3+ years. We are hoping to get married. However we seem to be at odds with each other surrounding deciplining approaches for her two children. She has a 10 year old boy and a 14 year old girl. In my time with her I have seen her parenting control go form one extreme to the other, where at times chidlren set the tone of the home, rudness prevail and rebellious behaviour with no real consequence. She engages in back and forth bantering with no effect. Her approach is passive while children play their emotions and attitudes out at will. If descipline is used...its is more to shouting and verbal and when other liberties are taken it's short lived. Children now do the waiting game till mom cools down and then comes what seems as instant gratification rather than...a "earn/phase-in approach to reinstating liberties. She feels my ideas are too harsh.
I have witnessed this for approx 2 and half years and I have seen very little change. None of my ideas have even been considered yet I am told.."I want it my way" I don't get it.
I don't like rude children though i expect that they will test you and push your buttons and I feel descipline is necessary in order to have a calm in a household.
My involvement in this scenario is simple..if this is my future life I need for my girlfriend and I to be on the same page. She wants to work on it together yet she does not adapt any of my ideas especially when hers does not seem to work.
I find it a hard thing to commit to la longerterm realtionship with her, regardless of my love for her when my hands seem to be tied. Is it better to take a hands-off approach and be tolerant and wait out while failurte takes precedence? How can I feel comfortable with my partner in this situation to think that working together means really working together rather than its her way and me on the sidelines. Yes I understand the dynamics at play here as its not an equal playing field when emotions go out the window as "these are her precious children". I mean no harm...I just want calm and control to have a situation that seems to go out of control frequently, to have that changed. I see that if things are to work better her guilt for desciplining needs to be changed to one a bit more aggressive in order to achieve some success. But these are two subjects. You can't deal with descipline if you can't deal with your guilt. Which seems to be an over compensation for what they have experinced in divorce.As it is we are dealing with repeated behaviour. I have been told its not my business though she wants me to be involved and take an active role by talking to them about their behaviour. But how can I speak when I have already given sideline input to them..it just falls on deaf ears as I am not their father amd they know that. The last thing they need form me is that i am giving them or being seen as the heavy. I feel their ,om has to take the leadership role and use me as anchor support. This can change ( the role) in future depending on the situation. I feel very hurt and I see that my realtionship break looming on the horizon. Our emotions are tense and we seem to be at odds with each other. I feel betrayed somewhat. I really don't know what to do except call it quits or get councilling where maybe we might both understand the dynamics of what is playing out here. its affecting our realtionship...or should I say, its being allowed to affect our realtionship.
Can you give me your advice?
Yours truly,
David
Answer Hi David!
You are in a tough situation........you will probably never get "equal" responsibility of your girlfriend children.....since you are not their father, it just won't happen......her children will always be her children and their father will always be their father.........you are an outsider especially when the children are going towards teenage years........
Children do need discipline and without it, the household will be untolerable and control will be lost by the parent. Your girlfriend needs to get control fast because as puberty hits, usually around age 15, hormones start taking control and her life will be hell if she does not get some quick control. Disciplining children shows them that you love them enough to support and teach them...
Your girlfriend seems not to have a clue how to discipline her children and perhaps if she gets help now she will survive the "terrible teenage years" because it will get worse, I know. Most parents are not likely to take suggestions about parenting from those who never parented......and I would agree that those who have never been there would not really understand...
So you probably will not be able to do to much in this situation unless your girlfriend changes her ways with her children....if not, if you marry her, things will probably get worse not better........
So if you really love her, perhaps get her to go for some single parenting counseling to help with not feeling guilty and learn to raise her children with more guidance, support, discipline and love. Out of control children only become out of control teenagers who usually turn to drugs and drinking which can only lead to more problems. There are also many good books on parenting, perhaps have her read them or buy them for her highlighting some points that you feel may help her.
I think if I where you I would step back a bit and try to help her discipline her children then trying to do the disciplining yourself........I think to do so would be a losing situation for you.......
Single parenting is extremely hard and very stressful....at times it seems impossible, but if you stay cool and learn the tricks of parenting, you can survive.
