AboutAmanda Gamble Expertise I will answer any etiquette question you`d care to ask!
I will be happy to give friendly non-judgmental advice on any situation.
If your question is rude,incoherent or demands I confirm your "victim" story,
I reserve the right to refuse to answer. Life is too short.
Certain cultures and customs are not part of my personal
experience,but I will research to get the needed answer.
Experience I have been writing a daily etiquette advice column for 6 years.
I have taught as well as given lectures on the subject.
Expert: Amanda Gamble Date: 7/21/2008 Subject: Is it too much to ask of my "house guest" that he let me know when he will be around or not?
Question I have a friend staying with me. He stayed with me recently for close to 2 months prior to going away for two months and asked if he could stay with me "for a bit" (so far 2 weeks and counting) when he got back as he is looking for an apartment.
My issue is that he just comes and goes as he pleases, never telling me when he'll be around or not. Because of the uncertainty of never knowing from one minute to the next whether i am going to either a: open my front door to find i have a houseguest or not or b: have said houseguest unexpectedly walk through the door after having disappeared for a few days, i find that I am contantly on my best behaviour and putting aspects of my life on hold due to aforementioned never knowing. I live in an extremely small place (living room, bedroom, bathroom and kitchen - pretty much studio size), so much so that he is crashing in with me. His belongings are living on the couch. I find it hard enough for just me to live in such a small space, let alone two. When he is away for a few days he doesn't let me know he's going or for how long or when he'll be back which would be extremely handy for me to know in the event i want to have other friends/guests over etc. There are times when he's disappeared for a few days and had i known in advance, i could have planned to have people over then. For the same reason i've had to tell a friend of mine who i am sometimes intimate with, that he can't come over because my houseguest may be there, only to get home later and find he isn't. When he was staying with me prior, i would message him to find out if he were around or not but i'm getting tired of that, feeling like a stalker and don't believe it should be up to me to chase him to find out. It's proving difficult for me to go about both my daily and social life as per normal and i'm beginning to feel like the guest in my own home, having to adapt my routines etc around him. I am not charging him anything to stay here despite the fact that two people means higher electricity bills, more laundry to do and going through things twice as fast. He as i were somewhat involved briefly a while ago (we're not now) and i'm beginning to feel that he's taking the piss and taking advantage of that, along with my good nature.
My question is basically Is it too much to expect, that he at least have the manners to let me know when he's going to be around or when he's not, just as a general courtesty and how to tell him that? (i'm not very good with confrontation)
Answer Dear Nicola,
First off,you are a SAINT. Two months of that with nary a word?
In a studio apartment? Now he's back for round two?
You MUST speak to him. If he is truly a friend,he will realize
how selfish he has been,apologize and start acting like a considerate
human being.
If he is just taking advantage of you,you will find out quickly.
At that sad juncture,you may kick him out and let him fend for
himself.
You already know what to say,you expressed yourself quite well
in the e-mail to me. You don't need to be confrontational. It can
go something like this:
"Tommy,I am glad that I could offer you a place to stay,but I need
to know when you will be here and when you won't. I'm not your Mom,
I don't care what hours you keep except for that fact that in a
space this small,it keeps me from living my life. I can't plan,I
can't relax...since we are such good friends,I knew you would want
me to say something."
Start with a positive,end with a positive that enlists his aid
in solving the problem.
Remember,having good manners doesn't mean that you have to be
a doormat and put up with this kind of nonsense.
