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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Self-Improvement/Self-Help > Social Etiquette and Good Manners > How to Deal with my Brother-in-Law's Wife
Expert: Amanda Gamble - 10/22/2009
Question
My MIL has a favorite child who is now married. Because of his status in her eyes, she desperately wants to bond with his wife. The only problem is, they are so self-absorbed, they can't see past themselves. There's a lot I could share here but I won't; just know that since meeting each other, my BIL and his wife have done nothing but focus inward in all situations, including their wedding. B/C of their selfish nature, they always put her side of the family first - schedule all major family holidays etc. with her side first. My husband and his other sibs are always bending over backwards to accommodate their schedules b/c the parents want all the kids together for holidays, birthdays, etc. I guess my question is, what is the best way to deal with such a self-centered pair? Being the SIL, I don't feel I have the place to really speak my mind but I feel terrible for my in-laws who have been through quite a lot these past few years. How do I encourage my husband or his sibs to do in this situation? When we ARE all together as a family, the tension is there b/c the sibs are so sick of the "show up just long enough to make mom happy" mentality, and the pair spend the entire time focusing on themselves and the MIL is so happy to have them over, she just lets it go. I guess I'm just afraid I won't be able to bite my tongue forever. As it is, sometimes I can barely look at them. Suggestions?
Answer
Dear Annie,
There is not much that you may do without causing a great deal of trouble. Your Mother in
Law is not a dumb woman and she probably sees very well what is going on. She knows that
they barely tolerate going to her house and leave as quickly as they reasonably can get
away with. For whatever reason,she tolerates this. Her desire to be a good Mother and Mother
in Law to these selfish people is her business and it would wound her pride terribly to hear
(out loud) that she is being made a fool of. She already knows it,she just doesn't want to
hear it as she is unwilling to change the situation.
The only thing that can be done would be for the siblings to speak to their brother. Not
the in laws...this has to be as "outsider" free as possible. Your husband can get down to brass
tacks in a conversation with his brother. It might not do anyone any good,but involving anyone
else would be counterproductive.
Best regards,
Amanda Gamble
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