Expert: Jay Remer - 10/22/2009

Question
My husband and I were recently invited to a friend's 40th birthday party.  The husband sent out the invites via e-mail.  Here is what he said:

All

The party will be at a casual place in San Francisco called ZADIN at 4039 18th St. The food is great and reasonably priced (<$20/person), and the location is central since some people are coming from Marin and we are coming from San Mateo, with the rest right in the middle of the universe, San Francisco. Parking can be tough like anywhere in the busy neighborhoods, so come early and the party will really start at 7:30.  If you have any questions please email me or call (408)phone number, and you can check out the restaurant at http://www.zadinsf.com/

Thanks
Larry S.

Because of financial difficulties, we decided only one of us could go since it sounded like the husband wanted us to pay so I went while my husband stayed home to take care of our children.  After the meal, the husband was collecting money from everyone.  (I also had a gift for the wife).  

Both my husband and I feel this was a bit tacky since he was inviting us out to a party to celebrate his wife's birthday.  He and I both wanted to know what the proper etiquette on this is.  What are your thoughts?  Thank you Mr. Remer.

Answer
Dear Cyndi,
Thanks for asking this good question. I agree with you completely about this whole dynamic being 'a bit tacky'. Proper etiquette dictates that if you cannot pay for the party, you are in no position to be the host - the guy who does the inviting. Unfortunately this is an example of the direction things are going. It doesn't make it right. I would be mortified collecting money from my friends, but this clearly didn't phase this gentleman. All I can give you is my opinion and my condolences. Thanks again for asking this important question. I may well use it (without names of course) in a column. Regards, Jay