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About Cynthia Lett
Expertise
Proper manners with friends,family,colleagues,neighbors and everyone else you know.
Experience
I have been an etiquette expert teaching and consulting on the subject worldwide since 1983. I started and run the International Society of Protocol & Etiquette Professionals and am considered a leader in the field. I edited "Etiquette for Dummies" and have recently written "Lett's Talk - Everyday Etiquette Dilemmas and What to Do about Them".
I taught the Business Protocol class to Master's level students at the George Washington University, Washington, DC.
Chief of Protocol for MCI Telecommunications.
Organizations
International Society of Protocol & Etiquette Professionals, ASTD, PCMA, National Speakers Association
Publications
I have been quoted over 700 times in the past 5 years worldwide. Publications include Wall Street Journal, Washington Post, Washington Times, NY Times, Washington Business Journal, USA Today, Associated Press, London Times, Newsweek Japan edition, Newsweek US edition and many many more.
Education/Credentials
I am a Certified Etiquette Professional (CEP) and Certified Protocol Professional (CPP) earned by examination through ISPEP.
I have a Master's degree in hospitality law and undergrad degrees in Restaurant & Hotel Management and Public Relations/Interpersonal Communications from Purdue University.
Awards and Honors
Who's Who Worldwide,Who's Who of American Women, Distinguished Darden Professor (Purdue University).
Past/Present Clients
World Bank, United Nations,US Dept. of State, US. Dept. of the Army, Pentagon, Barclays Global Investors,Accenture,AT&T,Bank of America,American Association of Clinical Pharmacies,Ritz Carlton Hotels, Hilton Hotels, Marriott Hotels,Starwood Hotels,and many more.
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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Self-Improvement/Self-Help > Social Etiquette and Good Manners > Rude to ask for a gift?!?!
Expert: Cynthia Lett - 10/28/2009
Question
Dear Cynthia,
I have a question. My step-sister and I have had very limited contact in the last few years. Due to family situations we lost touch for about 10 years and a couple of years ago she sought me out and stated she would like to keep in touch with me. I was not very comfortable with this but obliged as I did not want to be rude. I have maintained distance and kept out meetings infrequent. Maybe a couple of times a year. What bothers me is that she is very cheap and I feel she only restarted the relationship because she has a baby now and wants to get what she can. She does not in the slightest bit act as the "older sister" she claims to be. Last year I went to her house bearing a gift for the new born and she felt bad she had no food to offer me so she suggested we go out to eat. Upon ordering 2 take out dishes (both costing $4 each) she turned to me and stated that money was tight for her and asked if I could pay my own way. I thought this was quite rude because technically I was a guest at her home and the only reason we went out was because she as a good hostess should, was not able to provide anything to offer me, but decided to be a bigger person and pay without saying anything about it. That incident stuck in my mind and I admit I tried to avoid her even more after that. I did see her again at some point, we went for coffee and we paid our own ways which was fine because that is expected when meeting outside the home. Early this year it was her daughter's birthday and I told her I would make it but due to unforseen circumstances I was not able to attend. I apologized and we said we would see each other again soon. We both got busy. 4 months have passed and she called me the other day to ask to go for coffee, we picked a date (in a couple of weeks) and said we would be in touch.
Low and behold, today I get what I believe to be a crass and cheap e-mail from her "reminding" me that I did not get her a birthday present. She stated that "if" I was thinking of getting her a belated birthday present she has a few suggestions.
I was absolutely appalled by this request. I mean I probably would've gotten something for the baby anyway but I think it is disgusting that she asked. Especially considering the nature of our relationship. My own sister, who has children, always tells me, for every occasion (birthdays, christmas etc.) not to get the kids anything expensive and even goes so far as to say that she would not be offended if I didn't get them anything because I am younger than her and make less money. I still always do get them gifts of course, but at least she tries not to burder me.
Your thoughts?
Answer
Dear Reena:
It is always rude to ask for a gift. That said, your step-sister seems to be grasping at a friendship with you and going about it the wrong way. You were lucky enough to have been taught proper etiquette in relationships. Many people have never been taught and they make up their own rules which will always be for their perceived benefit. If I were in your situation, I would continue to keep my distance and pay my own way whenever we see each other. I would also ignore her request and suggestions for gifts. Give what you feel like giving if you feel like giving anything at all. Your step-sister is not thinking of anyone but herself but she may not know how rude she is acting so try to keep your judgments to yourself. It would be wonderful if someone could teach her daughter proper etiquette and if you ever have the chance - you would be doing a great favor to her.
Thank you for sharing your situation.
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