AboutCynthia Lett Expertise Proper manners with friends,family,colleagues,neighbors and everyone else you know.
Experience I have been an etiquette expert teaching and consulting on the subject worldwide since 1983. I started and run the International Society of Protocol & Etiquette Professionals and am considered a leader in the field. I edited "Etiquette for Dummies" and have recently written "Lett's Talk - Everyday Etiquette Dilemmas and What to Do about Them".
I taught the Business Protocol class to Master's level students at the George Washington University, Washington, DC.
Chief of Protocol for MCI Telecommunications.
Organizations International Society of Protocol & Etiquette Professionals, ASTD, PCMA, National Speakers Association
Publications I have been quoted over 700 times in the past 5 years worldwide. Publications include Wall Street Journal, Washington Post, Washington Times, NY Times, Washington Business Journal, USA Today, Associated Press, London Times, Newsweek Japan edition, Newsweek US edition and many many more.
Education/Credentials I am a Certified Etiquette Professional (CEP) and Certified Protocol Professional (CPP) earned by examination through ISPEP.
I have a Master's degree in hospitality law and undergrad degrees in Restaurant & Hotel Management and Public Relations/Interpersonal Communications from Purdue University.
Awards and Honors Who's Who Worldwide,Who's Who of American Women, Distinguished Darden Professor (Purdue University).
Past/Present Clients World Bank, United Nations,US Dept. of State, US. Dept. of the Army, Pentagon, Barclays Global Investors,Accenture,AT&T,Bank of America,American Association of Clinical Pharmacies,Ritz Carlton Hotels, Hilton Hotels, Marriott Hotels,Starwood Hotels,and many more.
Question Hi There, my 91 yr-old grandfather recently passed away. My in-laws often saw him at celebrations for my children, yet I never received a card, call or email from my mother-in-law who was told the day after he passed away and lives close by. My father-in-law (they are divorced) was kind and sent both my parents and myself a card right away. My sister received a card and a plant arrangement to the funeral home from 'her' in-laws. The service was private.
Consistently my family gets no cards or gifts from my mother-in-law even though we are on good terms with her and she has plenty of money to travel, etc., and we are always generous with gifts for her. She often would invite herself out to our house for dinners and a few times showed up almost 2 hours late. The last time this happened I told her how rude it was in front of everyone and that it has happened enough. She was also over an hour and a half late to my son's brithday party one yr. This confrontation over being late just happened in the spring and she now comes to my house for dinner at night during the week while I am at work nights. She has never had one holiday dinner or any parties at her house. My husband and I have done it for 8 yrs. This time I am very hurt about my grandfather and after 8 yrs have had just about enough of her rudeness. She ruined my Mother's day one year, and last year at Christmas she got our son two items of clothes that were on clearance and 4 sizes too big for him. He needed clothes then, not in a drawer or closet for the next 3-4 years. Should I be so hurt by her time and time again and especially after this? My husband is used to her never getting him birthday cards and gifts, etc. and sees nothing wrong with it, but I certainly do. She is single, makes very good money, and has only two children and two grandchildren! I am not materialistic, and we are all trying to say money nowadays, but I feel your children should be recognized on their birthday. One last thing/story, a few yrs back at Thanksgiving (at my house of course) she took a birthday card out of her purse and gave it to my husband. His birthday was the end of Sept. She said sorry that it was so late but she was changing pocketbooks and had just found it. My husband never even got a b-day card that yr near his birthday, but got one instead half bent up two months later at Thanksgiving. I have no more patience left for her and have no intentions of getting her a card or gift for her birthday next year. I'm not extending my money, time, food, home and genorousity anymore when all she does is take advantage and is obviously self-centered. Do I have a right to be so hurt by all this? I don't see any of this as normal and no longer want to be around people who are late, stingy and unthoughtful. Especially as I am getting older and wiser! Please help!!
Thank you,
Karen
Answer Dear Karen:
As I was reading your question I kept thinking how confused about life your mother-in-law is. I honestly am sure she has no idea how rude she behaves. When someone acts as she has for all of her life, it is because she has executive function deficit and may be on the Autism spectrum. That in a nutshell is a neurological disorder that causes confusion, lack of recognition of social cues (she invites herself to dinner and didn't respond to your pointing out her rudeness) and general disorganization of her life (and personal items). She is someone to feel sorry for, not to leave out of family affairs.
She isn't trying to be rude. Her behaviors as you describe them sound like she could use occupational therapy rather than discourse from family members. While by virtue of what I teach - proper etiquette - your mother-in-law is demonstrating behavior that sounds a lot like what I see when dealing with my son's peers - who are all on the Autism Spectrum. It takes a lot of training from the earliest ages in childhood to learn to read social cues and organize one's life so that birthdays and such don't go un-celebrated. Many adults on the spectrum hold down good jobs, travel (with the help of the kindness of strangers) and live fairly normal looking lives. But everyday is a struggle to keep organized. Is your father-in-law still alive? Can you talk with him about her? He would know best her everyday limitations since he lives with her.
I suggest you do some research into the everyday activities of someone with high-functioning Autism or with PDD-NOS (pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified) and see if her behavior matches the common behaviors described.
My other suggestion is to keep being the kind and loving daughter-in-law, although it may test your patience. You never go wrong by being nice.
