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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Self-Improvement/Self-Help > Social Etiquette and Good Manners > my family & their relationship with my ex
Expert: Amanda Gamble - 11/3/2009
Question
I had been married for 18 years with 3 kids. I have a large family and some of them are staying in contact with my ex-wife. My mother and 2 of my sisters have been having dinner at my mothers once a week on the days I have the kids. I get along with my family very well and when I was married I got along with her family. I have not had much contact with her family since the divorce proceedings started. My family is inviting my ex to some of my family events without asking me. My ex cheated on me & my family does not know this. I am very hurt that my family is having so much contact with my ex. How can I tell my family how much it hurts & that they don't seem to care about my feelings or how this may affect my kids.
Answer
Dear Larry,
While I can appreciate not wanting to go into detail with your family on the exact
causes of the divorce,it may be time to speak up. They seem not to care because you
have been a gentleman and put a good face on this divorce most likely. Say or write
some version of the following:
"I appreciate you trying to maintain a positive and friendly attitude towards
Linda but I think I need to be clear on a few points. There was a reason our marriage became
irretrievably broken. Linda was not faithful to me. I could not tolerate such behavior
when I had remained committed to our wedding vows.
It is over and done with and I have no wish to go into detail or revisit the past. I
hope you will understand that and respect my privacy. It's not that I felt that I couldn't
come to you with the truth,it is just an ugly and painful chapter in my life that I need
to deal with on my own.
Given this knowledge,I hope you can understand why it distresses me to see Linda show
up at Smith Family functions. Clearly,we will have to see each other at our kids' graduations,
weddings and so forth in the future. I anticipate we can be cordial when we do. I do not want
to put the children in the middle of our problems. Linda and I will continue to be good parents
and protect them in what ways we can. However,this does not mean that I am ready or willing to
have her remain a part of the larger Smith Family or be at our events."
Larry,if you lay it out for them I cannot imagine that they would continue to invite
your soon to be ex-wife anywhere. Surely it was a lack of insight and understanding that
led them to include her and not a disregard for your feelings.
Best regards,
Amanda Gamble
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