AboutCynthia Lett Expertise Proper manners with friends,family,colleagues,neighbors and everyone else you know.
Experience I have been an etiquette expert teaching and consulting on the subject worldwide since 1983. I started and run the International Society of Protocol & Etiquette Professionals and am considered a leader in the field. I edited "Etiquette for Dummies" and have recently written "Lett's Talk - Everyday Etiquette Dilemmas and What to Do about Them".
I taught the Business Protocol class to Master's level students at the George Washington University, Washington, DC.
Chief of Protocol for MCI Telecommunications.
Organizations International Society of Protocol & Etiquette Professionals, ASTD, PCMA, National Speakers Association
Publications I have been quoted over 700 times in the past 5 years worldwide. Publications include Wall Street Journal, Washington Post, Washington Times, NY Times, Washington Business Journal, USA Today, Associated Press, London Times, Newsweek Japan edition, Newsweek US edition and many many more.
Education/Credentials I am a Certified Etiquette Professional (CEP) and Certified Protocol Professional (CPP) earned by examination through ISPEP.
I have a Master's degree in hospitality law and undergrad degrees in Restaurant & Hotel Management and Public Relations/Interpersonal Communications from Purdue University.
Awards and Honors Who's Who Worldwide,Who's Who of American Women, Distinguished Darden Professor (Purdue University).
Past/Present Clients World Bank, United Nations,US Dept. of State, US. Dept. of the Army, Pentagon, Barclays Global Investors,Accenture,AT&T,Bank of America,American Association of Clinical Pharmacies,Ritz Carlton Hotels, Hilton Hotels, Marriott Hotels,Starwood Hotels,and many more.
Question Hi, My in-laws contacted my husband and told him they were going to be coming through our city and would stop by to visit before continuing on their vacation. We expected that they would be here during the morning. However, they "got a late start" and didn't arrive until late afternoon and then decided that they were spending the night. I know that they wanted to see their grandchildren (I am a step-mom and my husband and I have no children of our own) but I felt it was rude not to let me know in advance that they were going to spend the night. Even if they would have called prior to leaving their home (it is a two hour drive) I would have been able to get the bedroom and other cleaning done. I was totally unprepared. I was out doing errands when they arrived and as the day went on I learned they were staying. I told my mother-in-law that I apologized for the mess in the house but I didn't know they were spending the night she said "we can go stay somewhere else". I told her "that's not what I meant" and said no more. She then said "I'm on vacation". All I could think was I'm not, but I didn't say anything. I work 12 hour shifts and this was a weekend off. We had plans that evening and I refused to change them. The in-laws went out to eat with the grandchildren and my husband and I kept our plans. Which was fine with me. The next day my mother-in-law proceeded to tell me how they were going to visit their other son and his family and that they would be sleeping in a camper at their residence because they don't have room in their home. She then said "they already have it all made up for us". I felt like crap but again said nothing. Which was fine with me. When I told my husband they should have told me they were staying he stated it didn't matter to him, they are his folks. His sister use to do this same thing, but she would show up totally unannounced. She stopped when she got on better terms with his ex-wife. Is it proper for family to say they are coming to visit and then advise you that they are spending the night, parents or any relatives? I told my husband I wouldn't even do it to my own folks and he said he would drop in unannounced and stay anytime with his parents. I have debated about saying something to my mother-in-law because I don't want the same scenario on their return trip home. Should I say something or wait and see if it happens again. I truly think she realizes that I wasn't happy with the unannounced overnight. We were leaving town the next day so there wasn't much time to visit the morning they left. I was getting ourselves packed for a short trip. Thanks for your help. Sue
Answer Dear Sue:
This is an issue that you need to discuss with your husband first and get him to respect that you have certain standards when it comes to being host to any overnight guest, family or otherwise. If he doesn't respect your need for warning and the option to say no, there is the first problem. Another thing is that you have the right to set whatever rules and standards are in your home and both you and your husband need to agree to them all. That may take some work to get your husband to respect your need for privacy.
He needs to understand too that the child dropping in on the parents is usually accepted by the parents but the other way around is rarely acceptable by any grown children with their own lives. Most parents are sensitive enough to understand the inconvenience and subject their grown children to their dropping in and demand for hospitality.
You didn't mention whether your husband cleaned the house, made up the guest room/guest bed and fixed the meals, did the dishes and generally served as host during their visit. If that was all left up to you, you have the right to set your limits. It is rude to intrude without warning on anyone, family or not. There is a lack of respect displayed and you have the right in the future not to let it happen again.
Perhaps when family or friends that you don't want staying in your home announce their arrival, have a printed sheet already made of local hotels, costs per night and directions. Offer to make the reservation. Then invite them to whatever meal you have time to host or help them with their sightseeing plans.
To summarize, talk with your husband about your joint expectations and make him understand what rules are acceptable to you.
Don't say anything to your in-laws regarding this visit. Wait until they do this again and explain how inconvenient it would be and offer to make a reservation. Then plan a way for them to spend some time with you and your kids while they are there.
