AboutCynthia Lett Expertise Proper manners with friends,family,colleagues,neighbors and everyone else you know.
Experience I have been an etiquette expert teaching and consulting on the subject worldwide since 1983. I started and run the International Society of Protocol & Etiquette Professionals and am considered a leader in the field. I edited "Etiquette for Dummies" and have recently written "Lett's Talk - Everyday Etiquette Dilemmas and What to Do about Them".
I taught the Business Protocol class to Master's level students at the George Washington University, Washington, DC.
Chief of Protocol for MCI Telecommunications.
Organizations International Society of Protocol & Etiquette Professionals, ASTD, PCMA, National Speakers Association
Publications I have been quoted over 700 times in the past 5 years worldwide. Publications include Wall Street Journal, Washington Post, Washington Times, NY Times, Washington Business Journal, USA Today, Associated Press, London Times, Newsweek Japan edition, Newsweek US edition and many many more.
Education/Credentials I am a Certified Etiquette Professional (CEP) and Certified Protocol Professional (CPP) earned by examination through ISPEP.
I have a Master's degree in hospitality law and undergrad degrees in Restaurant & Hotel Management and Public Relations/Interpersonal Communications from Purdue University.
Awards and Honors Who's Who Worldwide,Who's Who of American Women, Distinguished Darden Professor (Purdue University).
Past/Present Clients World Bank, United Nations,US Dept. of State, US. Dept. of the Army, Pentagon, Barclays Global Investors,Accenture,AT&T,Bank of America,American Association of Clinical Pharmacies,Ritz Carlton Hotels, Hilton Hotels, Marriott Hotels,Starwood Hotels,and many more.
Question Hello. I have a question regarding gift-giving manners and timely thank you notes. My daughter recently had a graduation party where my older sister and her husband provided her with a $250 check. My daughter and I were surprisingly pleased and very grateful. I sent my sister a complimentary and sincere thank you via email the very next day to let her know how appreciative we were. I had every intention of sending out blank printed thank you notes for my daughter to send..which will be sent out before the 3rd week mark of the graduation party...Yesterday, just a little over two weeks since the party, I receive this email from my sister:
"Although I understand she's been super busy for the past couple of weeks, I haven't heard from Sarah and honestly thought that we would've received a thank-you by now. Chris and I considered the amount to give her for quite some time, and what we decided on was a stretch for us--but we felt that it would really be helpful for school expenses. Now I'm getting the feeling that it didn't seem to be as big a deal for her as it was for us. I'm not sucking my thumb or anything (yet!), but am disappointed all the same. And I wouldn't be disappointed if I didn't expect better.
Again, I just wanted to let you know."
My sister and I are famous for sending notes, thank you or otherwise...we love stationery and love to write. I am more than a little angry about this email. If she and her husband had angst over the amount, then they shouldn't have given it. I feel that by my emailing her the very next day, I was speaking on behalf of my daughter and us as a family. My sister's offense is quite insulting to me...Once a gift is given, there should be no conditions. And who is she to determine when a thank you is sent or expressed? Am I right? I just retrieved the printed thank you notes after work today and they will be filled out and in the post by this Friday.
Could you give me your thoughts on how I should handle this situation?
I thank you very much.
Answer Dear Kerry:
When gifts are given to others, we naturally expect to receive a positive response as soon as possible to confirm its receipt and for appreciation of the gesture. The money was given to your daughter, not to you so the thank you should have been sent from your daughter to her aunt and uncle. Although your heart was in the right place, you cannot by etiquette standards thank someone for someone else's gift. Your daughter should have called her aunt if she didn't have access to a computer to express her gratitude. A handwritten note should have followed. The standard for thank you notes is 48 hours after a gift has been received, if not sooner. Three weeks is too long to wait and that seems to be your sister's concern.
There are etiquette standards for gift giving and they have been around for centuries. Once a gift is given, the giver has certain expectations from the recipient. The highest expectation we all have is to receive acknowledgment for the gift and appreciation for the gesture. While gifts are given from the heart, it is human nature to want them to be accepted with grace. Your sister didn't feel that that was what they received.
On the other hand, all that said, your sister should not be explaining her gift for her niece to you in any manner and should not have complained to you for the lack of thank you note. She gave a gift to her niece not you so any concerns should have been expressed directly to your daughter. If someone is disappointed with the response they receive their best reaction is not complaining but to not give future gifts.
I suggest you have your daughter send a gushy thank you card with an apology for its delay and leave the situation alone. Choose not to have your feelings hurt. None of us lives up to others' expectations all the time. She was frustrated and disappointed. With her understanding of correct behavior she fells she should have been but now it is over. Your daughter can learn that when she is given a gift of any kind, she needs to be responsible to respond with appreciation immediately. A good lesson for her life.
