About Fleming Allaire, Ph.D., a.k.a Dr. Manners (TM). Expertise As an author, educator, newspaper columnist and trainer in the field of manners and etiquette, I am able to answer questions on every aspect of social etiquette and good manners. I cover adult and children`s manners,introductions, dining skills, verbal and written communication (including e-mail, cell phone and regular telephone etiquette), tipping, weddings, travel, births, death and funerals, proper attire for every occasion, office etiquette, invitations, entertaining, the roles of a host and a guest, thank you notes, family life, interviews, gift-giving, graduations, good grooming, disabled persons, hotels,school manners, good sportsmanship,respect, manners in public places( the theater, movies, church, shopping, restaurants, etc.), being a good neighbor, and being considerate of others.
Experience I am the originator of national Children's Good Manners Month (September) and founder of The Good Manners Club. My school program "Manners Do Matter" is used successfully throughout the United States.
I teach manners and etiquette at the University of Connecticut, Central Connecticut State University, United Technologies Corporation, Cigna Corporation and The Archdiocese of Hartford Catholic Schools.
I wrote and recorded my Dr. Manners' Moments for Radio Disney, which aired for nearly two years. I was a regular contributor on WVIT-TV NBC30 during 2002 and 2003. I was a regular etiquette expert on WTIC (Radio)for nearly 3 years. I have been interviewed by radio stations, television stations, newspapers and other publications around the world. I recently appeared in an episode of the television show Survival Guide, on the Fine Living Network on Personal Etiquette and am a consultant for the Network. I was asked to write an article for The New York Times on Manners and Etiquette for the Summer, which was published on Sunday, May 16, 2004.
I have visited dozens of schools, public and private; worked with The Girl Scouts; various community groups (including Chambers of Commerce and Senior Citizen Groups); church groups,and more.
I am a former elementary school principal and a former elementary school teacher.
Additionally, I have authored several books and booklets on manners and etiquette.
I have been a manners advice newspaper columnist for nine years.
My education includes:
Ph.D. in Education, LaSalle University;
Administrator Certification, Sacred Heart University;
Teacher Certification, Central Connecticut State University;
B.A. in English, Nazareth College of Rochester;
Etiquette Consultant Certification
Expert: Fleming Allaire, Ph.D., a.k.a Dr. Manners (TM). - 3/11/2004
Question Dear Dr. Manners,
My parents will reach their 50th anniversary
in a few weeks. I and my siblings are pondering what type of "celebration" would be appropriate given the circumstances:
1) My parents have had a bitter, acrimonious, and
abusive marriage, with trouble dating back to their honeymoon. (I can't explain why they've stayed together, other than it relates to issues of money, pride, and co-dependency.) Quite honestly, in 50 years of marriage, I haven't witnessed any affection, tenderness, kind words, holding hands, hugs, kissing, terms of endearment, etc. between them. On the contrary, they speak angrily, bitterly, and derogatorily about each other and to each other continually.
They co-exist in the same house with my father staring at the t.v. and my mother sitting in the kitchen looking at magazines.
2) During the first half of their marriage my father had a mistress. My mother found out about it 25 years ago, at which time my father ended the affair. Mom has stated repeatedly over the last 25 years, "My life ended the day I found out about Inez" (the mistress). And truthfully, she is the walking dead with no hobbies or interests other than making my Dad's life as miserable as she can in revenge.
3) Mom blacks out the date of their anniversary each year on the wall calendar.
4) My parents have done absolutely nothing to celebrate or even acknowledge their previous 49 anniversaries (no dinners out, no flowers, etc.) In fact, if my father even tells her, "Happy Anniversary", she replies that there is nothing happy about and that it is all his fault, so he's hesitant to even tell her "Happy Anniversary".
5) Just a few months ago, in mentioning her upcoming 50th, my mother told my sister, "I'd rather be dead than celebrate my 50th."
6) My parents are well off financially. If they so desired, they could have made plans for a cruise, vacation, etc. They haven't. I'm not sure they want to acknowledge their anniversary given the state of their marriage, plus Mom hates to travel.
We siblings realize that often children host a party in their parents' honor. This is not possible because my parents essentially have no friends to invite. There are a few out-of-state relatives who are well aware of the disasterous state of their marriage and would probably view any "celebration" as a farce and would probably not be inclined to drive 6 hours one way to attend.
We considered taking my parents out to a nice restaurant on their anniversary. However, Mom is a "wild-card". She has been known to create a scene in public by telling absolute strangers intimate details of her marriage and then breaking down into tears. This is the LAST thing we want to happen and are fearful of inviting them out in public for this reason. (We envision the waitress saying, "Happy Anniversary" and my Mom replying, "If you knew everything I'd been through in the last 50 years, you wouldn't say it's a happy anniversary", then breaking down into tears, embarrassing us and ruining the dinner.)
Treating them to a weekend at a Bed & Breakfast would be out of the question since they hate each other's company, and my Dad couldn't live without a television set! He would complain about how much money we spent "for the nearest of nothing" (a favorite complaint of his).
We also considered giving them a gift certificate to a nice restaurant and letting them go by themselves. However, there are no restaurants that my parents enjoy. Every restaurant they've been to, they complain about the price, food, selection, portions, atmosphere, service, etc. They are impossible to please! We don't want to spend any money on a gift certificate (even supposing we could agree on a restaurant), only to hear what a horrible meal it was, what terrible service, how they hated it, etc. (their usual responses to any restaurant). But even agreeing upon a restaurant would be an enormous task. My husband and I went to a very famous, upscale restaurant not far from their house one time. Both my parents asked why we wanted to go there since it was expensive and they had heard that the portions were small, and more or less implied that we were stupid to go there!
We thought about just inviting them over for a slice of cake decorated to say "Happy Anniversary", but only one sibling lives close enough to our parents to do this. The other 3 siblings would have to make trips from other states, something we're not inclined to do due to the the distance and effort involved.
Even simply sending them a "Happy 50th anniversary" card is no easy task! I literally searched for one year before I found a suitable card which didn't state things like, "Your love and devotion are an example to your children and all who know you."
Since my parents' anniversary is meaningless to them and to those who know them and there is essentially nothing to celebrate (other than the fact they haven't killed each other yet), would it be acceptable for us children, under the circumstances, to not honor the event in some way (other than sending them a card perhaps?) Can you think of another way we could acknowledge their anniversary without having to participate in it? (We've thought about sending a bouquet of flowers, but feel that's more my father's place to do that.) (By the way, many years ago we mentioned to my parents about the need for marriage counseling. They weren't amenable then and are even less inclined now at their age!)
We children want to "do the right thing" by our parents as best we can under the circumstances, but we can't come up with any viable options.
Any ideas??? Thanks so much!
Kim
Answer Dear Kim,
As much as you and your siblings would like to help your parents celebrate this milestone in their marriage, I think that you have answered your own question by listing all of the reasons why your parents would not appreciate your recognition of their Fiftieth Anniversary. Your description of their marriage and life together is not one of unending love, devotion and happiness. It is, unfortunately, one of sadness and pain.
If you still feel that you must do something for them, a card and floral arrangement from all of you would be sufficient, due to your unusual circumstances. The sentiment on the card could say something like: "We are thinking of you today. Love, and sign all of your names."
Sometimes the best of intentions go unrewarded and unacknowledged. Don't feel that you have failed in any way by not thinking of the "perfect gift" for your parents. You and your siblings are their "perfect gift" because you are so thoughtful and caring.
