AboutAmanda Gamble Expertise I will answer any etiquette question you`d care to ask!
I will be happy to give friendly non-judgmental advice on any situation.
If your question is rude,incoherent or demands I confirm your "victim" story,
I reserve the right to refuse to answer. Life is too short.
Certain cultures and customs are not part of my personal
experience,but I will research to get the needed answer.
Time specific questions may or may not get answered by your deadline.
Experience I have been writing a daily etiquette advice column for 8 years.
I have taught as well as given lectures on the subject.
Question Hi! I am writing as a married, mother of three children, with a question regarding my husband's family. He is equally frazzled. My sister-in-law (my husband's youngest of three siblings, not married by the way) has sent us two e-mails with Christmas wish lists for their (meaning my husand's) parents. His sister has already purchased a gift for them, so she forwarded the messages from her parents regarding specific gift cards, and items from various catalogs (including item numbers and prices). I am COMPLETELY offended by this. My dad, when I ask him what he wants for Christmas says, "Don't buy me anything, all I need is your love." Yes they are all about the same age, same socio-economic status, etc. I feel that it has reached the point that something needs to be said to them that this is inappropriate. We have ALWAYS given them exactly what they wish for (even though, I might get the free gift that came with a special purchase for my birthday!). Believe me, they could buy the moon for themselves if they wanted to, it is not about the money! I almost want to say, let's just not buy each other anything. Don't buy me anything, the kids anything, etc. It is the spirit of giving that I love (and I LOVE to buy thoughtful, anticipated gifts). This has thrown me for a loop! I truly feel that I/my husband need to respond re:this, how do we go about it to let them know that it just isn't right?! Maybe I am WAY off base, and if so, tell me. If not, what should I do?
Answer Dear Dana,
Oh dear. No,you are not wrong to feel as you do. Who
wouldn't be offended by such unsolicited demands for
material goods?
As for handling it,ignoring it might be your best option.
I know it's difficult and you and your husband to consider
this at the moment. The saying "You can be right or you
can be happy." springs to mind. Yes,you could vent and tell
them how wrong this is,but would it create more problems
than it would be worth? After all,at this stage of the
game what are you going to teach them? Most likely nothing
and they will just be deeply wounded by this whole thing.
For whatever reason,they need validation through 'stuff'.
Your Dad has it right,you will teach your kids how to think
about gifts and giving...you got a great husband out of
these in-laws. Can you just have a cold drink,take a
deep breath and let it go?
If not,then your husband must be the one to speak to
them. Alone,he is their son,that lets out much of the
"This is all Dana's doing!" talk. He should pick a time
when the subject isn't at the fore front and use language
that doesn't accuse.
That's more about psychology and being honest in a
relationship. Etiquette (in it's strictest form) would
have you put up with this and say nothing.
