Expert: Amanda Gamble - 11/12/2006

Question
My brother was recently asked to escort a young woman to her Debutante Ball. The ball is given by a local city Assembly and benefits a local hospital. In the invitation he received there was also a card noting that "This year's donations to the Holly Assembly will benefit the Wellness Garden at St. Luke's Hospital". Does that mean that the parents of the debutante's gave donations and they're just  publicizing  it or that he, as an escort, is expected to give a donation? No one in my family or social cicle has ever been to a Debutante Ball so any info you can give us on modern etiquette would be appreciated.
Is he to give her a corsage? Any specific type/color? Is he to give her any other type of gift for her "coming out"? (It is his girlfriend of a year - but he doesn't want to ask her these questions). There are 22 girls coming out at the ball and he would like his girlfriends experience to be all that it can be. Please help if you can.
Thanks.

Answer
Dear Katharine,
 First,let me point out as gently as I can that any
relationship where your brother cannot speak openly
with his girlfriend is not destined to last. If he truly
wants her experience to 'be all that it can be',he should
be able to tell her what concerns he has. He may not know
this,but customs vary from region to region with these
dances. He is not expected to know everything and this is
doubly true as it is a commercial ball,a fundraiser and
not a private party.  Balls given to raise funds have a
whole set of rules that have nothing to do with how a man
behaves in a private setting. Maybe telling him this will
put his mind at ease.  He is not at fault in the least here
and has no reason to feel bad or to not ask for
information.

 Now,on to your questions.  The parents of the girl are
the ones who give the money,he is not expected to make a
contribution.

  He should give or send a bouquet of flowers to her
slightly before the party.  No corsage this time. The
bouquets are supposed to be a tribute to the girl's youth
and innocence. So white or pales colors are most correct.
In a private home these are banked behind the deb and her
mother as they receive their guests. Sometimes at a ball
where several young ladies are being presented,the girls
will carry a small bouquet. He will be 'in the clear' if
he sends the flowers to her house.  He does not and should
not give her any other gift. It would not be appropriate.
Her parents or other older family members may give her
jewelry in honor of the event,but her escort should never
give her anything so expensive or personal.  

 If anything else comes up,please post a follow up and I
will be happy to help.
                      Best regards,
                        Amanda Gamble