AboutAmanda Gamble Expertise I will answer any etiquette question you`d care to ask!
I will be happy to give friendly non-judgmental advice on any situation.
If your question is rude,incoherent or demands I confirm your "victim" story,
I reserve the right to refuse to answer. Life is too short.
Certain cultures and customs are not part of my personal
experience,but I will research to get the needed answer.
Time specific questions may or may not get answered by your deadline.
Experience I have been writing a daily etiquette advice column for 8 years.
I have taught as well as given lectures on the subject.
Question Dear Ms. Gamble,
A few weeks ago, I invited my cousin and her soon-to-be husband to our home for Thanksgiving dinner. They accepted immediately and we began discussions on logistics such as their accomodations and timing of the actual dinner.
The two were just married and, as we were saying our good-byes to them at their wedding, we told them we were looking forward to seeing them for Thanksgiving. My cousin informed me that she had since been invited out of town with another couple and would not be joining us.
It is my understanding that this was very rude - to accept an invitation and then decline for a better/different offer. My husband and I are very hurt/insulted and don't know how to handle this without coming off as bitter or resentful. Any advice would be appreciated!
Signed,
Two Empty Seats at the Table
Answer Dear Rose,
When it comes to family,I don't much believe in standing
on ceremony. If you are genuinely hurt by her behavior (and
why wouldn't you be?) then you must speak to her about it.
In being "polite" and avoiding the subjct,you're only
setting yourselves up for years of hard feelings. They may
be minor,you may be able to carry on in a civil way,but
always in the back of your mind will be this episode. 20
years from now when you mention having them over for
dinner,your husband will say "Oh...COUSIN LORRAINE? Yes,
do invite them..but make sure they DON'T HAVE A BETTER
OFFER!"
Trust me on this. I have a first cousin who never wrote
thank you notes for the lovely and expensive wedding gifts
we all gave her. This was 15 years ago. She's now on her
second marriage and we're still not over it. "Yes,Dear
Cousin X! Lovely,but doesn't know what an ink pen looks
like! So tragic!" Petty? You bet! We all would have been
better off if someone had said (kindly) "X,we all would
like to have some acknowledgement of the wedding gifts we
sent. It's never too late to write a thank you note."
I hope my cautionary tale doesn't distract from the
point. With someone that you love and care for,it is better
to say what is on your mind. Not in a "Next on Jerry
Springer" way,but in a nonconfrontational "This is how I
felt" way.
By the way, Cousin Cinderella had been catered to for
months running up to her wedding. She was probably not
thinking like the normal caring individual she usually is.
The biggest etiquette "faux pas" is to point out someone
else's breech of manners. That is a great truism for times
when,say, someone drinks the contents of a finger bowl..in
this case,speaking up is your best avenue.
Best regards,
Amanda Gamble
