Expert: Amanda Gamble - 12/17/2006

Question
In the case of a couple who have divorced after forty-two years of marriage,  the husband and brother-in-law have formed a very strong friendshipover the years. The newly- independent husband re-marries  after a reasonable length of time, and  he and his new wife are completely inseparable.  Therefore, instead of seeing his former in-laws apart from his new wife,  they now   have become friends as couples.  Just how sensitive are they being to the former wife, a sister of the couple they now see socially?  This has been very damaging to the former wife.  What should be the family protocol?
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
My son and his current wife are consistently invited to special dinners that include his ex-wife and their children. He consistently refuses the invitations, even though they are from his father (my ex).  The ex-wife and children attend.  Whose responsibility it?  the father's or the son's?  What should be the proper consideration?
-----Answer-----
Dear Carolyn,
  Let me get this straight: Tom and Lisa Doe are often
invited to dinners at Tom Doe,Sr's house. Tom Doe,Sr.
also invites Jane Doe as well as Jane and Tom Jr's children
to these dinners.  Tom Jr and Lisa refuse to go to the
dinners because Jane will be there.

   While it would be lovely if everyone got along and no
one were uncomfortable with the situation,this is  
obviously not the case. Can no one go and pick up the
grandchildren and bring them to Tom Sr's house so that
they may be there at the special dinner with their father and new step- mother?  I think Lisa and Tom Jr's feelings
must be taken  into chief consideration here. Jane has
left the Doe family  unit. It does not matter if she left
of her own accord or was shown the door. Jane must be
given proper respect and pride of place when it comes to
the children's school events,graduations and weddings.
Hopefully,Tom Jr and Lisa will understand that those days
are for the child in question and at least a minimum of
family harmony must be displayed.  

 In Tom Sr's home,it must hurt Tom Jr. terribly to be
shunted aside in favor of his ex-wife. Tom Sr. may be
friendly and polite to Jane,but should always ALWAYS
want to show his loyalty to his son,Tom Jr.  It doesn't
matter who did what to whom in that relationship or the
subsequent divorce. Your parents and family should stand
by you and the choices you made,right wrong or indifferent.
         Best regards,
         Amanda Gamble


Answer
Dear Carolyn,
Are you the former wife and sister in question? If this
is the case and you are hurt by your brother and his wife
socializing with your former spouse and his new wife,then
by all means speak up. Tell your brother how you feel and
make sure he understands why it upsets you.
With the other question it was much easier to give a
'universal' answer because I feel that parents must
be loyal to their children. With siblings and Ex-es,there
can be no 'one right answer' as there are too many  
variables to consider.  
   Again,if I were the one hurt by the newly formed
relationships,I would speak to my brother about it and
tell him exactly why it bothered me. You may not get the
outcome that you want,but at least you will have stated
your position and made yourself heard.
         Best regards,
         Amanda Gamble