Expert: Amanda Gamble - 11/18/2003

Question
We are invited to Jewish Wedding Ceremony and reception (black tie affair).  The bride's family is well-to-do and her father is my partner's employer.  What is proper attire for myself (black dress?  floor-length? tea-length?) What is proper for gift (money?  how much? nothing - oh no!)?  Please advise.

Answer
Dear Christine,
 Only parents or eccentric great aunts should give the
happy couple cash. Those gifts,generally very large are
expected and acceptable. For John and Jane Guest,giving
$25.00 just says "Now you run on over to the Sam's Club
and get you one of them Fry Daddies! We didn't have time!"
Gift cards however,are fine. Those can be purchased in just
about any amount. And even if it's the phantom $25.00 I
set forth,a gift card at least gives the illusion that you
were in the store and there were TOO MANY cute things to
choose from.  The couple should be registered somewhere,
that is the place to start. No set amount is 'proper'. No
guest is ever expected to pay for the privilege of going to
an event by bringing a gift. It is not a requirement. So
you get to decide for yourself based on the level of
affection for the person in question and the state of
your bank account.  Very plain silver picture frames are
always safe. You can get those inexpensively or get real
silver ones for $$ They look the same and who can ever
NOT find a use for a picture frame?  
 As to your partner,you don't say where he/she is on
the career ladder or how big the company is. A big gift
could be seen in one of two ways. "Anne is ridiculously
extravagent! We can never make her V.P. of Finance! She
would ruin us!"  or " I spent 75 dollars per plate on the
dinner and I won't tell you the tab for the open bar. My
staffers who gave toasters should all be FIRED! But that
Anne..now she knows what's right! PROMOTE HER to V.P.!"
See? Tricky,tricky,tricky.  Ask your partner to evaluate
that point as he/she knows the personalities involved.
  "Black Tie" is one step below "White Tie" the most
formal. Black Tie for women is pretty loose,it can mean
either a floor length dress,long skirt and blouse or a
cocktail dress. You will most likely see cocktail dresses.
What time of day is this ceremony? Black is no longer taboo
for a wedding if the hour is late enough. Late afternoon
or evening,go ahead. Otherwise it's too macabre and still
considered by some to be unlucky.  
                                  Best regards,
                                     Amanda Gamble