Expert: K. Lillian Engelman - 5/1/2009

Question
Hi, I've been going out with a lovely guy for almost 3 months. We get on brilliantly, the only thing that bothers me is despite the fact that we get on so well we keeping coming back to the issue of sex. I made it clear from the start of our relationship that I wanted to wait until I was ready before having sex (We are both still virgins by the way, though we are physically intimate)and he said that he thought that was really sweet and said he kind of felt the same way. He also seems really 'in' to me, he always wants to spend time everyday with me, as I do with him and tells me I'm beautiful etc all the time and says he misses me like mad when I'm not around. He actually told me the other day that he thought he loved me and could see himself with me in 10 years time however he jokingly brings up sex all the time but in a way that I know is actually serious deep down. It upsets me, as I feel like he's pressurising me. I've said this to him and he apologised and since he has not brought it up so often. It's just because he says I frustrate him so much sexually and he always thinks about it when I'm with him! But he says that he loves spending time with me and that he won't leave me because of it as he really cares about me and thinks im a lovely person but he also says that he kinda feels that he's missing out. I'm really worried as this seems to be such a major issue already. Does he really love me or is he just saying that to try and get me into bed or is it just pure lust on his part? I don't want to lose him either, as I genuinely think I'm falling in love with this guy but I know if I sleep with him at this point it'll only be to please him?

Answer
I think you've answered your own question!

If you know that sleeping with him will only be to please him; then you're not going to be doing so for the right reasons, and you seem to know this, you are very smart! Don't give in until you are ready and you are 500% ready it's what YOU want. Until it feels "right" for you-- you're not ready.

I know in today's society, 3 months is a long relationship, so way to go for having things work out so long! But if you guys can go three months with each other, then you have a great start. Build from that; but don't let him pressure you into sex. Sex in our society and culture is both taboo to talk about, yet is posted all over in the media. It's a double-standard. Peer pressure is terrible at any age these days, especially in regards to our sexuality and sex. It's hard to stick to your beliefs and standards when Everything seems to be pushing against them. & I commend you for making it this far with yours in tact!

And I'm sure you've heard it before, but if he does love you, he will wait until you are ready. Just be sure YOU'RE ready; you only get to give your virginity to one person. It's a very precious and rare gift to be able to give.