Staying a Virgin/Problem


"Hello there,
I have been with my partner for 2 year and we were constantly having sex in the last 1 year on every 10 days. Now, he is married and we broke up, he too is not happy with his marriage. But the thing I want to know that I have at least 2 years in getting married. And I am confidently sure of not having sex before marriage. Because he is the only one  i have loved. So my question is "Does after marriage, when I will be having sex for the first time after 1 or 2 years, will it feel like the first time? I maen tight like that? Will my husband know of what I have done in past?" Please tell me about it..
Thank You."

Dear Bulbul,
I realize that your culture values virginity, as does the American culture.  While this might be a universal value, the reality is that many people don't think with their heads and act on their sexuality without understanding the consequences.  Had you become pregnant, or contracted a sexually transmitted disease, your secret may have become out in the open and your consequences very serious, as you know.  

Genuine love between two people is a special gift and it is very sad when people do not have the freedom of choice about who they can marry.  To dominate and control another's actions very often creates lying and deception when the consequences for the person that is being controlled would result in heavy negative judgment or mistreatment.  That person, in order to protect him or herself, often conceals the truth from their controller....a parent or the partner they were forced to marry.

While lying to a future partner about your virginity will create a life of hypocracy, I suggest you take some steps in the future to avoid making things worse.
First of all, you have no right to continue a sexual relationship with your former partner as long as he is married and you must move on, despite his lack of attraction to his new wife, in fairness not only to yourself but to her.  

Secondly, unless you are being forced to marry, hold out for someone with qualities you respect, someone who respects and loves you....for all your good traits as well as flaws.  There are no guarantees in marriage, so I hope that both you and your partner will enter into it with the universal values of caring, respect, responsibility and trust.  If you are contrite in your heart, but fear abuse if you "tell all,"  your God is all forgiving.  However, you need to be faithful in your marriage, give it your all, and expect the same from your future husband.

Regarding your technical question, a virginal vagina is a bit tighter but with a relaxed sexual experience the vagina will also relax.... so no, your partner will have no way of knowing you are not a virgin.  You can turn your former behavior around and work very hard in your future relationship so a partner can  see that you can be a trustworthy case he originally doubts you. While lying is very wrong, so is allowing yourself to be subjected to abuse.  When bringing up your children, please tell them the value of truth telling and how important it can be to their own personal self concept even more so than the consequences involved.

Please rate this answer and how it has helped.  I send you all my best wishes for a happy future.

Staying a Virgin

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I have raised three teenage daughters and have been there for them, through peer pressure, helping them on self esteem issues, sharing feelings, communicating with their partners and making personal decisions. I am very proud of them today and feel fortunate to have had the education to guide them in becoming the confident and professional women they are today as well as valued wives and mothers. In my career as a registered nurse, I've been a childbirth educator for pregnant teens and at the delivering bedside of teens as young as 12. I've taught health education to students from grades K-12, especially helping them to explore the values that can work well in their lives, helped them to clarify which values might be most meaningful to them, and have always shared the concepts of caring (for themselves and others), having respect (for themselves and others) and taking responsibility (expecially for their own actions). I can be a listening ear, supportive when needed, an educator, (I have a master's degree as a nurse-specialist in child and adolescent health), and a resource for information.


As a mother, Health Educator K-12, Parent-Teen Workshop Facilitator, Teacher Trainor Registered Nurse (Labor & Delivery) Childbirth Educator for Pregnant Teens Counselor of Pregnant Teens Child Care Educator for Teen Parents; Adoptive Parents Maternity Professor--student nurses

Registered Nurse/AAS degree, County College of Morris, Randolph Childbirth Educator, ASPO Lamaze BA degree - (Education), University of Massachusetts/Amherst MS degree - (Clinical Nurse Specialist, Child & Adolescent Health), University of Massachusetts/Amherst

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