You are here:

Staying a Virgin/Staying a virgin


I am eighteen and turning nineteen at the end of the month and I am proud to say I am still a virgin but I am extremely lost right now. In high school I had I guess two boyfriends. The first one I feel for so fast that I thought we would be together forever but when he found out he was my first date like ever he was kind of mad and dumped me right there on the spot claiming it didnít ďfeelĒ right but later told me he wanted a girl with experience not one that knew nothing. I was crushed to say the least and when the next guy walked into my life I thought I would make it clear I knew nothing and was planning to stay a virgin and he supported me all the way we went out for a year and I started to believe in love all over again but then I discovered he was okay because he was cheating on me with a very sexually active girl. They never had sex but they were planning the where and when at the time I found out.  My heart was crushed again. I guess what bugs me most is that I still have feelings for both of them and I believed they had the qualities I was looking for in a man but I was the problem. My desire to stay a virgin and not date until I was sixteen pushed them away and now that I am in college I am truly terrified of falling in love with a man. I am afraid because my desires to stay a virgin have already I guess hurt me and pushed guys away. Itís just I have been in college for just a semester and have made friends who are sexually active and they love sex. I mean they talk about it all the time. I found one other virgin but she wants to lose it desperately because she canít handle the pressure of having it.  And for the first time in a long time I feel so alone. What if my future husband is somewhere on this campus and is afraid to approach me because I am still a virgin? How can I prevent myself from getting hurt and open my heart up to someone new?  And how many times can one heart be broken just because there is no sex? I was even told that sex is the only way a man feels loved and if I loved a guy he needs sex to stay with me.  What if my choosing to be a virgin only leads to me being alone? I mean I donít need to date a guy to feel complete I am proud to be me but my biggest dream in life is to fall in love and start my own family with a guy that wonít cheat on me and who will love me for waiting and all my beliefs but I fear he may not exist not in this society or at least not for me. And what if I wait and marry a man who latter divorces me, would all my waiting have been for nothing? I sometimes laugh at these fears I have and say itís silly and foolish to doubt something I truly believe in but then I look towards my past and feel the pain of rejection and betrayal that makes these fears such a reality. I just need someone to understandÖ

Oh wow, Jessica. You definitely get my Virgin Goddess of the Month award! Not only have you saved your virginity for your marriage, you're doing it for ALL the right reasons. DON'T GIVE IT UP!

That said, this is going to go long, so sit down and get comfortable. ha ha!

First of all, I TOTALLY understand, so you are far from alone, you're just isolated in a sea of sluts right now. Do not listen to them, sex before marriage is fun, but is also wrong, wrong, wrong. One day they will regret what they've done, but it will be infinitely too late to change it. You are still on the right side of the line, don't let sorrow or depression or loneliness or peer pressure or any thing move you, God will find a way for you out of the darkness. Please tell your virgin friend not to give it up, either. There ARE men out there - real men - who just want a woman that hasn't slept around, and they write me and have the same complaints as you. I include myself in that group. So don't give up, you might be closer to finding one of those men than you think.

Sorry to hear you dated two disappointing guys. But really, that's dating, and that's why dating doesn't work for finding "Mr. Right". If it did, we wouldn't have a 60% divorce rate. At some time, all those divorced women thought they had found "The One", and I'd bet all the money I have they found him by dating at high school / college. So the short of it is, if you keep looking for love in all the wrong places, like they did, you're going to end up like they did, too. And that happening to a girl like you would be one of the greatest tragedies in history.

Ditch looking for guys at college, if you find a man to last a life time there, it will only be because of sheer luck. Barring the religious colleges around the country (BYU, Bible Belt colleges, etc.), people don't go to college looking for a mate, in fact they want the exact opposite - cheap, quick, easy, alcohol fueled hook ups. Looking for love - real, true, lasting love - at college is like trying to find a gourmet meal in a barn yard. If it happens, it's a total accident.

So here's what you do - start hitting the gym/fitness club regularly, get some pro advice at a reasonable salon and get your hair done, get some pro advice on modest but modern (affordable) clothes, and then... go to Church. Yeah, you'll find guys who want to have sex with you there too, but you'll finally be looking in the right PLACE. Most guys that go to Church are the kind you're looking for. The rest? They're at the bars or... college! ha ha. Also, set your sights a little higher in terms of age. It's a scientific fact women mature faster than men, so while you girls are ready for marriage and babies in your teens, guys usually don't even THINK about all that until they hit at least 30. The world is filled with BOYS, but you need a MAN. And the old saying you've been told is true: Guys do feel loved once they get sex, but women have sex once they feel loved (barring your slutty friends, that is). We're sexual opposites, and isn't that great? But because we're opposites, we fit perfectly together, and can create a one-ness, a complete whole of two halves! The key is to find a guy who is willing to give you love when you give him sex - both of you doing it for a life time. THAT'S true love.

Your situation is so tragic, ironically God provided for a way for people to find true love with out all the heart ache you're going through. Way back in the day, dating was unheard of, parents were a LOT more involved in helping their children find spouses. Fathers would screen the guys because they know what guys are thinking and are all about. Mothers would offer advice from their own experience. Ironically, even in the old days, the old "All the good guys are already taken" was true, too. Some of the best husbands were guys that were already married - many good men were spoken of by God, that had two or three wives. Why? Because it took 2.7 seconds for a woman to see that this married guy treats his wife with love, doesn't cheat, loves his kids, and hasn't left them for a cheap affair, etc.. With a single guy... well, you just won't know until it's too late, will you? And since the good guys really do get taken first, there's usually a reason "he" is still single. But that stuff's all academic now, it's mostly long gone in our advanced, progressive society of one hour hook ups, STDs and broken hearts, which is so much better and more satisfying, right? ha ha

Sorry about going so long, I just don't want you to throw every thing away you've worked so hard for, in a moment of despair. You sound like you've got so much going for you, and deserve the happiness of a loving husband and family life. Don't throw it away, you might be closer than you think. And you are definitely not alone.

I'd love to help more if needed

Staying a Virgin

All Answers

Answers by Expert:

Ask Experts


Joel Kimball


I'm good at listening, even better at giving advice.

Virginity does matter! And no sex before marriage is possible, regardless of what your friends, family, or (worst of all) society tell you. It's a choice, like any thing else in life. Not an easy one, so that's why I'm here to help.

I'm happy to answer your questions:
- WHY you should stay a virgin until marriage
- HOW you can stay a virgin until marriage
- HOW to deal with boy or girl friends pushing you to engage in sex
- HOW to deal with friends who push you to engage in sex
- HOW to deal with a family who won't support you in your choice of abstinence


If you want to know about some thing, you ask an expert, right? If you're climbing a dangerous mountain, whom would you ask for help - another climber that's struggling up hill like you? Or the fella who's been to the top, and lived to tell about it?

I'd be the latter.

As to sex before marriage, "Been there, HAVEN'T done that".

Eagle Scout - Boy Scouts of America
Fire Fighter - Whitman County Fire District 1 - Washington State

I have several years experience owning and managing two businesses - an Internet Access Provider ( and a Commercial Art Studio ( Every day I'm forced to make difficult decisions that will affect my life for years to come - just like the decision to not have sex before marriage will affect you.

Past/Present Clients
See my web sites.

©2016 All rights reserved.