Staying a Virgin/Pressure on loosing my virginity
QUESTION: Hey Joel, my name is Lory, I'm 18 and turning 19 in a couple of months. Firstly I'm going to tell you a bit about myself. I moved to UK 5 years ago.
I grew up in a Christian family, grew up in church, grew up with strong beliefs and morals. Since I can remember my family told me and emphasized how important it is to be married before having sex.
A month ago I went back to visit my hometown and my friends. I felt so complete being there, but in the same time upset as I knew I could never live there again. All my friends have boyfriends and they all lost their virginity. And in my country's culture that is not a shame as long as you have a boyfriend, not sleep around. Being there got me thinking, and I was so upset that I started to question my whole life beliefs.
It all started with my best friend, she is an amazing person, she is not christian but she is such a good and wonderful girl, yes she lost her virginity, yes she drinks from time to time and she also smokes (everybody smokes in my country) but that doesn't define her as a person, that doesn't make her a horrible person, and there was me thinking and questioning everything I ever believed in.
Since I turned 18 my body is asking for it, and I'm becoming more and more frustrated, sometimes I feel like I can not wait anymore. The situation is that me and my family are going to move to Australia in a couple of years as soon as my mom finishes her degree. Which means at least another 2 years to wait to find the right guy. Don't get me wrong, I want more than anything to find 'the one' and get married and then have sex, but I feel like I won't be able to wait and the most important, today, in this society I feel like there isn't a guy that appreciates that, most guys today see it as normal for a girl my age to have lost her virginity and have no problem with that or maybe I don't know much. I had a boyfriend 3 years ago, we were kids, it wasn't a proper relationship. Since then I am single as I am so different from everybody else, as in mentality and morals, rather than going out with any guy just to have a boyfriend I rather be single.
I want to go back to my country for holiday this summer, there is this guy that I've been family friends with since we were kids. He always liked me but I never gave him attention until a month ago when we kissed and I loved the attention and the way he treated me, he is a really nice guy but he is not christian, I know that he would sleep with me, even though he could of when we met he respected me and did not insist at all, but if I would of he would definitely go with it. That's why I trust him, that's why I keep on thinking what if I loose my virginity with him this summer.
But in the same time I keep on telling myself to wait, that it will be worth it and soon I will find this amazing person that God has prepared for me, the guy that will be my perfect match.
I had this dream the other night, I don't know if it was a sign or it was just because I've been thinking of this for so long. But I dreamt of this man that I was in love with (i guess that was the feeling), we were engaged, and he was the one that wanted for us to wait until we got married, I felt so safe and loved when I was with him, it was such a wonderful feeling.
I know that God has someone for me out there, and he will be worth the wait because he will be my match and he will appreciate that i waited for him. But in the same time I feel so pressured by society and I also feel so lonely and just need to feel loved and appreciated by someone.
I guess what I need right now is a bit of encouragement to stay on the right path, because the last thing I wanna do is ruin my potential future.
Thank you :)
P.S. Sorry I wrote so much
ANSWER: Hey Lory! No worries about writing so much, too much in this case is better than not enough. And besides, now I know you DEFINITELY deserve my Virgin Goddess of the Month award. 18 and still holding on to it - amazing! To answer you in short, YES, you are on the right path, and you are not as alone on it as you think you are. Jesus Christ DID say the path is narrow and hard, and FEW there be that find it, where as the broad path that leads to destruction is the one the vast majority are walking down.
So where do I start? First off, your parents were right, waiting to be sexual AFTER marriage is always the right thing to do. It looks like you still believe that, but are now feeling torn because your feelings are starting to pull you the other way. Isn't that the way of life? The right thing never has and never will be easy to do, or popular. If it was, no one would have to constantly teach it or point it out to people. But what if we all just gave in to every feeling, every urge we had, right at the moment when we felt it? What would happen to all of us, what kind of a world would it become? It's never easy to stand alone, every one wants to fit in, every one wants to be accepted, every one definitely just wants to be loved and feel warm and happy at the end of the day. But keeping your virginity until marriage is about more than just doing the right thing for God. It's also about doing the right thing for you. Sure, right now, your friends are satisfied because they gave in, but they've got years - in some cases decades - of emotional ups and downs ahead of them. The guys they are "with" (what ever THAT means) right now will NOT be the guys they are "with" a year from now, 5 years from now, 20 years from now. You want to be with some one, to be loved and appreciated? The guy you want to give your virginity to - that rare gift you can only give once - may seem like he loves and appreciates you now, but you and I both know once he tires of you - which most the time is right after guys like that have sexual intercourse - he'll be gone. And then you'll be right back where you are now - lonely, wanting to be loved and appreciated - BUT, minus your virginity, plus with a sad story to tell your future husband that will NOT make him love and respect you even more. Maybe you'll even have a Sexually Transmitted Disease, or... a baby! Are you sure you want to satisfy all your personal feelings just this minute at the risk of some one else's life or health? No, sure you don't. I think you're better than that.
I'm not going to promise you your life will be all roses and sunshine if you wait. I'm not even going to promise you that your future Mr. Right will appreciate your sacrifice and suffering to hold on to what really isn't yours to give away. But I will tell you this - there are guys out there who are in the exact position you are, but just aren't meeting for some reason. I'm going to pray that you meet one of them, a guy God and you would both be happy with. Yes, they are out there, and the fact is, I think you need to marry one right away - I don't care what society says, or what your family situation is.
Lory, I know it's tough - really tough - to wait. I'm sorry for the pain and agony, I really am, because out of all the world, a woman who waits because it's the right thing to do is the LAST person that should ever suffer, and yet it's the exact reverse in this crazy world, right? But I can promise you this, if you give in, you will start a chain of events you will not be able to control, and you will be dealing with the problems they create for the rest of your life. You above all women DESERVE a life of happiness that's free of the worry of pre-marital sex and all the baggage that is attached to it. Please don't give in - you deserve better, your future husband deserves better, and your future children deserve better. Please be strong even though you feel weak. You're not alone! I'll help if you still want me to, let's keep in touch - on here, FaceBook or texting, just let me know.
You can do it, Lory. You've come this far, you deserve the best. Please don't spoil it just because it's getting tough to hang on. I hope what I've said will help you hang on just a little more. Who knows? Maybe your "dream" is just around the corner?
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you Joel! You are so right about everything! And I always knew that, I always knew I wasn't that kind of person, and it never felt right to think the way I thought, it's just been a difficult period of time and I felt pressured.
Last Sunday was the fist Sunday back in church after coming back from my holiday, and the preach was for me, word by word, it was amazing, I felt like crying and laughing at the same time, it was about hope, about not giving up, that there is an answer for everything and I'm never alone, that something great is waiting for me after all the struggle, it really encouraged me and now I feel really calm and patient, I feel so recharged, full of energy and happy.
After I went through that hard time on my holiday and a few weeks after coming back, I realized that I was never alone, there were signs after signs, including that dream I had of my future husband, it really reminded me why I'm waiting and keeping myself clean, for that amazing man that God has prepared for me, for that white dress that I'm going to wear knowing that I deserve to be dressed in that pure colour. I also had doors after doors opened for me just when I thought I don't know what to do next, now I don't know which door to choose haha, it's crazy how after a certain amount of time thinking you've been abandoned, to realize you've actually never been alone.
I decided not to go back in my home country this summer, it doesn't feel right, instead I'm going to spend time with my cousin which is involved in so many activities and programs at her church and I can't wait to experience that with her.
Thank you so much for you advice, it was exactly what I needed, and who knows, maybe you're right and my 'Mr Right' is just around the corner :D
I'll sure keep you posted when I find him :D
Thank you again, Lory
ANSWER: You are so welcome, Lory. All I can say to you is, God bless. You really deserve it for being who you are and making the right choices. I guess the old saying is right, The darkest hour really is just before the dawn. It's hanging on though that dark hour that proves who we really are, and just how much we mean to follow God.
So where is your "home country"? Sounds like staying with your cousin is s smart idea. And let me tell you, church is probably the best place to look first for a future Mr. Right. You're just not going to find a guy like that at a club or bar or even at work.
Sound like things are going better for you. If you need me again, I'll be right here...
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I've got great news! I've been accepted into University in Norway! I am over the moon, it's the answer to so many of my prayers! I'll get a chance to meet new people, spend time with my cousin and most of all get involved in church where I'll meet Christians my age!
What I also realized is that this door was open to me at the exact right time and I remembered one of my favorite quotes 'God has perfect timing, never early, never late, it takes a little patience and faith, but it's always worth the wait.' :)
I'm kind of proud that I remained true to myself and to God in the end, after everything that happened I still knew who I truly was and didn't chose to be any other kind of person.
Thank you again for all your advice Joel, I'll sure keep you posted, I've got a really exciting journey ahead of me, and who knows, maybe my Mr Right is waiting for me in Norway hehe
That IS great news. So is Norway your home country?
I like that saying. I'm going to use it in the future, most definitely.
And I still don't think you'll regret holding on to your virginity. Giving it away is such a permanent thing, and when it's gone, whether you're happy about it or not, it's gone for ever.
Your so welcome for the help. If you need any more, I'll be right here.