Staying a Virgin/Sexless Relationship
QUESTION: Hello and thanks for your service! My name is Jordan btw.
I am currently in a relationship with this guy that I love to pieces. This is the first relationship that I've been in as well. I plan on staying a virgin until marriage. My decision is more of a personal commitment than a religious one, although I do believe in God. I feel that I wouldn't regret if I have sex with him but as I've gotten older, I've really thought about the consequences of my actions and the number 1 consequence that I don't want to happen is that I could possibly get pregnant. We're both in college right now and I/nor him could not handle a baby right now, or some type of STD/STI. At first he was unhappy with my decision but he came around because he said that he really cares about me and that he will respect my decision. I don't believe that he will cheat on me or anything, but my question is: How can a sexless relationship work? Like, what type of other intimate things can we do without having sex?
ANSWER: Hi Jordan, happy to be of service! Sorry about the delay in replying, been away from the computer.
So, SO glad to hear you're waiting for marriage to have a sexual relationship, regardless of the reason, it's the right thing to do. Glad you believe in God, too. Did you know God expects some sort of marriage before sexuality starts?
You're probably not going to be happy with my advice, but I can't help liking you for the hard but good choices you've made, and I just hate to see another beautiful girl ruin her life.
So I'm going to take a big shot in the dark, but when you say neither of you could handle a baby right now, don't you really mean HE doesn't want a baby? So when he says he doesn't want a baby, what he really means is he doesn't want to get married. To you. You're rightly worried he's going to give you an STD because he's already had sexual relationships. So what makes you think you are any different to him than the previous girls he's bedded? He's already proven that he sees you as no different than the other girls he's been with, that's why he was unhappy you wouldn't go to bed with him, because that's all he really wanted from you AND the previous girls he's had sex with. He doesn't even care about your virginity - a BIG warning sign. He's a very selfish person, that's why when he couldn't get it from you, he got upset. When he now says he cares about you and respects your decision, what he means is he's going to wear you down and get what he wants eventually. He's done this before, so he knows it works, it's just a matter of time before you'll give in. That's why America has a 50% out of wedlock birth rate, because eventually EVERY ONE gives in, and half those who give in get pregnant. More bad news: you WILL get an STD from this guy, because what ever he has, you'll get too. Is he worth carrying his disease around in your clean, healthy, perfect body for the rest of your life? Every one who has sex out side of marriage at least gets HPV, plus who knows what else, and viruses stick around for ever. Just because he doesn't show any symptoms doesn't mean he isn't a carrier. And you could be risking your future babies health by having sex, even one time, with this guy. Sure you want to do that?
Jordan, I really, really wish I could give you happy news and advice, but my deepest feeling is you're heading for disaster in this direction. I know how you must feel, you're in college and this is the first guy you've ever loved, you're worried if you lose him, you'll never find some one else. Please do some more of that great thinking you've been doing, but this time about what I've said. You're SO worth waiting for, Jordan, so very worth it. Please make sure this is the guy also is worth giving your once in a lifetime gift.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thanks for your input. My bf is a great guy and not every guy who gets a little upset when you tell them that you're staying a virgin is going to cheat/stray in thoughts. Trues me, I wouldn't be with him if I felt that he was not going to respect my decisions.
My question was: "What type of other intimate things can we do without having sex?"
Hi Jordan, you're welcome. I really hope you don't take this the wrong way, but the truth is the truth, and I don't know any other way to say it. No, your bf isn't a great guy. He's immature and deeply selfish. Here's what we know about him:
1 - he wants to take your virginity with out being married to you. Your virginity there fore doesn't belong to him, so that makes him a thief. "Great guy"? Your virginity doesn't even belong to you, it belongs to your future husband.
2 - he has a STD (every one who has sex out side of marriage has at least one, maybe more). He's so cold blooded he's willing to infect you too - risking your health and maybe even your life - as long as he gets what he wants. "Great guy"?
3 - he's willing to risk impregnating you, just for a few minutes of his own pleasure. Would he then marry you and take responsibility for the child? No, he'd leave you and the baby to your fate. "Great guy"? Besides, he doesn't care about creating a new life, how selfish is that?
I admire your loyalty, but it's totally misplaced with this guy. He has a lot of growing up to do before he should have sex. Frankly, he sounds like a toddler with a penis. Is that really who you want to give your life to?
So to your question: I guess it all depends on what you think "sex" is. These days, every one has their own definition. I really don't understand the point of trying to stay on one side of some imaginary line you've drawn. If you all are in love so much that you need and want intimacy together, why not get married and get rid of the line altogether? Why torture your self? Men and women are supposed to have sex, it's as good and natural as can be. Why put it off, what is so important that you have to deny it? Jordan, you sound smart and strong. Many couples get married while in college. You can do it, you're stronger than you know. Besides, if you keep trying to do every thing up to, but not including, sex I promise you one day you will slip over the line. You'll just be playing endlessly with fire until one day you get smart, and finally tie the knot, ditch the clothes and have some fun!