Expert: John Finn - 3/26/2004

Question
Hi John Finn,

I am 19 years old, since you wanted to know. I have always looked upon sex as a natural thing, and never thought of it as a sin to have sex (even outside og marriage as I am not religious). Why do you think that pepole should wait until marriage to have sex? Isn't that a long time to wait? What about people who do not want to get married - ever? What should they wait for?

Celine

Answer
I believe that people should wait to have sex until after they get married because once a sexual relationship starts and some start the same day or a date or two later it immediately obscures everything.  All objectivity goes out the window.  You can no longer be objective and evaluate the other person as a potential marriage partner.  Im talking about marriage at this point.  Before a couple has sex they should be able to see each other in many different situations and objectively learn how they are treated by the other person.  This is highly important since it indicates how you will be treated later if the getting to know you period is of long duration.  And if you get to see the other person in many situations like amongst your family and friends and you ask their candid input about your partner.  They will see hopefully the minor dents and scratches and imperfections that you are blind to once you have begun a sexual relationship.  Having sex before marriage clouds everything.  You assume that because this person is good at sex or that he or she satisfies me that they will be good at everything else.  It also creates a bond that makes it hard to break away from if you decide this is not the one for you.  The more obvious reasons are not to pick up herpes which makes you undesireable and limits your prospect of ever getting married except to another sufferer.  Of course chalmydia which a female may never know she has until she wants to become pregnant and finds out she has had chalmydia for years and pregnancy is out.  By the way all sexually active females regardless of age need to be checked for chalmydia at least twice a year ,  Wiser ones more often.  We never had chalmydia or HIV years ago.  They are relatively new.  Is it a long time to wait?  If you are 19 you may have a life span of 75 to 80 or more years.  A female will enjoy her peak desire around 30 to 35 anyway.  While males seem to be at their peak around 19-25.  If you want marriage you want to know that this guy wants to marry you for yourself that he cannot see living his life without you.  Not because you are good in bed to hi or that you let him do whatever he wants even if you also desire the pleasures associated with sex.  Is sex before marriage a sin?  Absolutely.  All sin is pleasureable or noone would ever commit sin.  What about people who do not want to get married?  It is their choice.  Religious people in some denominations do not marry but as we all know they still fall into sexual sin.  Any kind of unnatural or artificial group like the church or the army is going to  breed some same sex unions.  For the man or woman who does not want to try marriage and yet have sex they are taking their chances with picking up a sexual disease .  What should they wait for?  Well this sociey seeks to control the natural tendency of people to want pleasure and the greatest pleasure is undoubtedly sexual pleasure.  The cause of civilization decrees that sex be held in abeyance.  Men and women are denied this outlet by the cause of civilization.  Freud said that men should parcel out their energies into other pursuits since the source of their true happiness can not be achieved.  He lived in a sexually repressive era.  We still live in that era somewhat but with the new found freedom comes new problems which Ive already talked about.  No one can have it both ways.  You can have the freedom to do whatever you want sexually.  You can have multiple partners or just one but you have to realize this may result in diseases and lack of committment and no legal means to have yourself supported or your children if you have any.  Some may call it freedom or progress but freedom or progress has never been a bargain.  You have to give up something in return for it. We all can have automobiles but we have to also have air pollution and auto accidents and deaths and drunk drivers to go along with that.  We can talk on the phone or even the computer but we give up the charm of distance.    I only try to make young people think before they give up something they can never get back.  A girl's girl friends can get her to have sex faster than her boyfriend can.  They may not be virgins but you may and for all the money in the world they can never ever be a virgin but you can give up your virginity anytime you like and be like them but they can never be like you once you have given it up,