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About Leon Scott Baxter
Expertise
I can answer questions about keeping love in committed relationships alive and fresh. I am
not the guy to go to if you're having marital problems or if you want to know how to meet
someone. (I've never been good at opening lines.)
I am dedicated to keeping the romance fires burning even after the embers of a new
relationship turn cold. Let me help you find ways to be excited about each other and your
relationship again.
Experience
I have written two books, Out of the Doghouse , and A Labor With Love, to help keep romance alive in relationships. I give romance advice locally on radio have a regular newspaper column on relationships. I host a website, CouplesCommittedToLove.com, where I offer advice and give daily romance tips. I also have hosted the seminars, "Romance 101" and "The Valentine Prep Course".
Publications
Santa Barbara Independent Magazine, MenStuff.com, SBParent.com, The Goleta Valley Voice, EducationNews.org
Education/Credentials
Bachelor's Degree from the University of California, Santa Barbara, as well as a teaching credential.
Awards and Honors
KLITE Community Hero and Ben & Jerry's Citizen Cool for my work with children and their focus on academic and personal improvement.
Listed in Who's Who in America. Name was placed on the National Wall of Tolerance for taking a stand against hate, injustice and intolerance.
In high school, voted "Most Likely To Host Saturday Night Live by 1999". Unfortunately, Lorne Michaels never called.
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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > How to Strengthen Your Relationship > distrust
Expert: Leon Scott Baxter
Date: 10/6/2008
Subject: distrust
Question
I am 21, he is 22, we've been together 3 and half years, and living together for a year and a half. I have become very insecure and sad in the last year because of some events that have happened. About two years ago, I caught him looking at porn, and he was embarassed and ashamed and said that he did it to keep up with my sex drive. He had told me since the beginning of our relationship that anyone who looked at porn simply didn't love their partner, and that it was disgusting. A few months later, I became insecure when he suddenly stopped spending time with me all together, slept in the other room, and put on his Myspace that he was single. I started snooping through his things, which I know is wrong, and found that he had written about wondering to himself if he was trying to "get somewhere" (sexually) with a mutual friend of ours. He said he didn't mean it, and got really mad at me. About four months later, and this was just by chance, not snooping, in one of his college binders he left open this whole journal entry writing about how he wants "real love" with someone "so good" who wasn't me. This time he said that he didn't feel like he was in love with me anymore, but didn't want to be with anyone else anyway. I was completely devastated emotionally by this point, I was too numb to break up with him even. Four months later, I had become really insecure by this point, I found porn on my computer that he tried to lie about and I broke up with him. He told me he wasn't in love with me, that I am an unattractive, masculine whore that he only used ect. Later I found more writing about how he wants to be with someone that he truly loves, and that many times he feels that way. He told me that he never means any of those things he said, he just said it because he's mad, and that if he didn't want to be with me, obviously we wouldn't be together. He says just to forget about it, he didn't mean it, and move on because obviously he loves me. He thinks there's something wrong and animalistic about sex, so we never have sex anymore either. I'm insecure every day. I try to be happy, but I can't stop thinking about these things. It's starting to bother him, and he gets mad sometimes if I bring it up, because no matter what he says, it can't take away what he's done. I feel like I can't trust him, though I want to. My only defense is that these actions turned into a pattern that he tried to hide from me. I don't want to feel this way- what should I do?
Answer
Hello Joanna,
The simple answer is to get away from him. That's it. You two need time apart. You've been together since you were teenagers. He's probably feeling resentful of that fact hat he didn't date as much as he now thins he would have liked to.
When couples fall in love so early and stay together, they miss out a little bit of what their peers are experiencing. They not only don't get to date, but they miss the experiences of learning what love is and what different experiences they can have with other partners.
It's very important to have a few relationships so you can better know and understand what it is you need and want in a partner. He may very well have found the perfect partner in you, but it's obvious that if he has, he doesn't know it yet. He probably needs to e able to date other women. He'll either learn that you're not the one for him, or that you are.
You, on the other hand, should be experiencing other men, too, to see what they can offer you. You'll either learn that you appreciate what you have, or learn that you deserve better.
It sounds like your boyfriend really does care for you, but has heavy doubts right now. When he's flustered, he's ready to call it quits. then, he realizes he's comfortable (been with you for over three years), and it can be kind of scary going out on your own again. By the way, it is very normal for men who are fully committed and deeply in love with their partners to look at pornography. It doesn't mean that they don't love there partners. It just fulfills visual sexual fantasies. It should only be looked at as a problem when it interferes with regular life or takes the place of true personal intimacy.
I think you should take a look at this report and think seriously about getting away from him (at least temporarily) for the sake of your relationship and your mental health (http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com/report_11_break.php).
Leon Scott Baxter
"America's Romance Guru"
http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com
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