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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > How to Strengthen Your Relationship > how can i get him to understand hes a of a family?
Expert: Sharon Crandall
Date: 10/11/2008
Subject: how can i get him to understand hes a of a family?
Question
im 23 years old my spouse and i have two children our past has been terrible he cheated on me after our first daughter was born (she just turned 3)we hadn't planned her and although i cared about him alot he saw me as just another girl he wanted me to give her up for adoption but i just couldnt do it after time he decided that he wanted us to be a family. Life was terrible we moved into a house outside of the city and he went to work then went out with his friends till when ever he pleased always leaving me at home with the baby by myself i got bitter and despite everything closed myself off to him then i found out he was cheating with 2 girls one with msn and phone conversations and the other over both the above and in person( the in person part i found out recently) i confronted him about it he apologized said he wanted to work on us etc etc.. but this just got worse i moved into my moms after a huge fight and he knocked on my mothers door 2 days later and told me he was sorry he wanted us to be together but that he needed some time and was moving to Edmonton to find a job and a place for us to live.But once he was gone i felt like the old me again not the sad depressed and angry person he had turned me into i broke up with him but he continued to tell me he loved me... one day he showed up at my door with flowers and a poem he was in for the weekend we talked and i decided to give him a chance he moved back and we moved into a farm job which didnt work then into my mother's then into the house we are in now. fighting way too often the whole time. i didnt trust him i guess i still kinda dont i want to but i find it so hard too. He still goes out almost all the time and leaves me at home with our kids. he doesnt help that much around the house but thinks he can tell me that he does everything. He treats me so badly sometimes and it really hurts im not good at confrontation so it doesn't help that i let every little thing build up till i explode and we have a huge fight. but he acts like he just doesn't care he never takes me out anywhere he never gives me a morning off he's on parental leave right now our second child is almost 6 mths and even now that he doesn't get up to go to work he still doesn't give me a morning off let alone a weekend.It wouldn't be that hard to let me sleep in once in a while thats not asking too much is it? but i guess since he goes out so often and doesn't get home till after midnight he feels he needs the sleep more then i do.... Ive tried so many times to talk to him about what hes doing to me and to our family but it seems to go in one ear and out the other he says he knows that what hes doing is wrong but he doesn't know what to do.... so the issues pop up over and over again. Why is it so hard for him to see how he treats us? were supposed to be a team but were not theres him, him and him then theres the girls and me. He seems to only think of himself i thought family put eachother first. The worst part is the girl he cheated on me with was his ex and he still talks to her to this day. ive talked to him over and over about how much this hurts me and he can never give me a excuse as to why he does and why he wont stop please help im on the end of my line
i really love this man and i want us to works but i dont know what to do anymore.
Answer
Dear Angela,
I do not know how to make a guy grow up and be responsible, but I can tell you that what you have been doing is not working. Talk never works. You have talked and explained and cried and whined and felt bad and begged and done everything you can to to get him to want to change and he really does not want to change.
It looks to me like you have three choices--1. Keep doing what you are doing and suffering. 2. Leave him and give up on him. or 3. Take charge of the marriage lay down the law. Instead of asking him to do things. Tell him. Take your daughter into him on his days off and tell him that it is his turn to take care of her and you are going shopping or out for a walk, or somewhere. If he complains tell him, "Sorry, marriage is a partnership and it is his turn to take care of your daughter", then leave no matter what he does.
Then tell him that there will be no more going out with the guys until all hours. If he wants to go out once a week until around 11 P.M. that is fine but then you expect him to be home. If he doesn't want to do this tell him that ==well, ok, but if you leave you will pay as much child support and spouse support as you can possibly get and he won't have any money to go out with any way.
Tell him there will be no more talking to his ex, either and that you will cause more trouble for him than he would every want if he even thinks of cheating on you. Tell him that you will get a restraining order on his ex if he continues to talk to her.
Tell him that you married him as a partnership and that is the way it is going to be or there will be not marriage.
The problem with guys like this is they know how to choose weak little girls who expect life to be all ok. So, it is time to be a woman and fight for your nest. Fight for your daughter and fight for your marriage. Keep doing nice things to him and treat him well, except if he tries to go out and stay all night get a babysitter and hunt him down and bring him home. Tell him that you do not want to embarrass him but you will if you have to.
Then when he stays home tell him you expect to do things together. Go for a walk, eat together, do dishes together, etc. Don't ask, hand him a dish towel and tell him it is time to help you with the dishes.
Well, as I see it, those are your options. If you continue the way you are you will have the same thing as you have always had so really the other two choices are really your only options. I do hope that you have the courage to stand up for yourself.
I wish you the very best.
Sharon Crandall
Life is 4 Living Coach/Consultant
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