AboutTodd Expertise I can answer most questions regarding love, relationships, intimacy issues, making love last, communication skills, developing trust, and enjoying time with your sweetie.
Experience I think you would find my answers different than most as I see a relationship as a spiritual path. I enjoy what a relationship can bring to my life and how time with my partner has changed the way I look at the world. I've been a counselor and personal coach for for over 23 years and have had the opportunity to help various people with their relationship(s).
Expert: Todd Date: 4/8/2008 Subject: Need another chance to prove myself
Question I have been living with my girlfriend for more than 3 years now. She has an 11 year old son. We both work full-time. I love them lots and they are everything to me. But I have done a lot of bad things in the past three years.
I hardly use to help her with the house work. I have been very rude and demanding to her and her son. I called her names and say bad things when we fought, even in front of her mom, son, and friends. I told her to move out several times when we fought. And the worst things that I did are talk to other girls behind her back, got caught, she gave me a chance and I did it again. And go on and log/sign on dating/networking sites behind her back, got caught, she gave me a chance and I did it again. Every time when I lied or hid things from her, there was gap in between, so she was able to trust me a little bit again.
I had not done anything stupid like this in more than a year and a half. Things were really getting better/smoother between us. We bought a house together about 8 months ago. 3 months ago I asked her to marry and got her an engagement ring, so we are still engaged.
Just over three weeks ago I signed up on Face book (with a different name and email) and did not tell her, she found out the very next day about it.
After this Face book thing she has told me to sell the house and she wants to leave me. She can not trust me anymore. She does not want to get hurt again. She says she has made up her mind and decided to leave me. She said she will move in maximum 3 months, as soon as the house is sold.
I have cried, apologized in person and in writing, but she said that she can not forgive me/give another chance anymore.
Everyday in the last three weeks I have been doing lots of house work, try to talk to her about how I feel and I am willing to change myself how ever it is needed. I told her that I don’t want to lose her at any cost. I am willing to do what ever it takes to make her trust me/give me a chance. I told her that I have changed, I don’t get mad or talk rude or act demanding anymore.
She says that she wants to give me a chance and believe in me, but she does not want to get hurt again in the future, and how does she know that I will not do these things again in the future.
Now I realize what I have been doing, and I really regret about it. To me my girlfriend and her son are everything. I don’t want to lose them; I love them more than anything else in the world. She says that I should have realized these things earlier, now it is too late.
Answer Hello to you.
Thanks so much for your email. I read your question with great attention. I can see that you want to change and that you love your sweetie. I don't know if I can be of any help but I will let you know what I think.
I'd invite you to realize that the only way we tell the truth is through our actions. As you have made many pronouncements of how you will change it is easy to see why your sweetie might not feel like you are serious.
I wouldn't focus on so much of what to say, rather, ask her what she needs to hear from you and what she needs to see to give you another chance. Honestly, you are not the first nor will you ever be the last person to fall down in a relationship - there are many people who have much more experience than you do in making mistakes. If your sweetie is willing to tell you what she needs to see, I'd invite you to accept that and then follow-through.
I'd also like to tell you that I don't think this is something that you can just change, and whammo, you have a different set of behaviors. I'm thinking that perhaps you and your sweetie would benefit from 6-8 couples sessions with a talented therapist. .
My other thought is that perhaps both of you can sit down and write what I call an accountability contract: what you are willing to do, what she is willing to do, and what both of you will do if she sees your behavior starting to regress.
Change is never easy, but it's really worth it..
You are always welcome to write back and let me know how it works out.
