AboutLeon Scott Baxter Expertise I can answer questions about keeping love in committed relationships alive and fresh. I am
not the guy to go to if you're having marital problems or if you want to know how to meet
someone. (I've never been good at opening lines.)
I am dedicated to keeping the romance fires burning even after the embers of a new
relationship turn cold. Let me help you find ways to be excited about each other and your
relationship again.
Experience I have written two books, Out of the Doghouse , and A Labor With Love, to help keep romance alive in relationships. I give romance advice locally on radio have a regular newspaper column on relationships. I host a website, CouplesCommittedToLove.com, where I offer advice and give daily romance tips. I also have hosted the seminars, "Romance 101" and "The Valentine Prep Course".
Publications Santa Barbara Independent Magazine, MenStuff.com, SBParent.com, The Goleta Valley Voice, EducationNews.org
Education/Credentials Bachelor's Degree from the University of California, Santa Barbara, as well as a teaching credential.
Awards and Honors KLITE Community Hero and Ben & Jerry's Citizen Cool for my work with children and their focus on academic and personal improvement.
Listed in Who's Who in America. Name was placed on the National Wall of Tolerance for taking a stand against hate, injustice and intolerance.
In high school, voted "Most Likely To Host Saturday Night Live by 1999". Unfortunately, Lorne Michaels never called.
Expert: Leon Scott Baxter Date: 5/8/2008 Subject: I really messed up
Question Dear Mr. Baxter,
I really hope you can help me on this one. First some backround.
Back in 2004 I was going through a separation with my husband at the
time. A fellow co-worker was going through the same with his wife. We
became very good friends and offered each other advice through this
tough
time in our lives. Hence, as we got to know each other more and more,
we fell in love. We began dating each other at the end of 2004 and in
May of 2005 we broke up. I devistated me to no avail. We would still
run
into each other at work, which of course was very awkward. I was
heartbroken. That Oct. (2005) he asked me to dinner, and we talked
about how much we missed each other and we got back together. It was
great!
Well...the following May (2006) out of no where he broke up with me,
saying that he needed his space, needed to figure out what he really
wanted out of life. Again devistation for me. He had since moved from
NY
to
Georgia and we comunicated via e-mail very rarely. This past
November(2007), he contacted me (a year and half later) and was in NY
for his
sister's wedding, and wanted to see me. I was overjoyed. PS - we got
back
together, I'm in NY he is in GA, and asked me to move there, and he
has been saying that he wants to have a life with me, marraige,
children,
etc. He is buying a house, and I went down to help pick out
furnishings
for this house that is being built. He even put my on his life ins.
policy. I was supposed to move there the end of this month (May 2008).
This past weekend, I was really getting nervous (and very emotional
(pms
contributed), and I told him I can't marry him. My reasoning: Because
I love him so deeply, I am affraid that if we got married (Even though
I really want to, and still do), if our marraige ever had problems,
and
God for bid it ended, and/or we got bored of each other (which happens
in marraiges), we would take the risk of hating each other, and never
seeing each other again. My fear got in the way. We are still going
away to
Las Vegas this weekend together, and he still wants me to come and
visit him over the summer. The next day (after I said that I couldn't
get
married), I told him hat I was pms'ing and that I am so sorry. I do
really want to marry
him, but I just need some time to get my bearings. He said that 'that
ship has sailed' and we can't ever get married to each other.
What have I done. I really want to marry this man. I don't want to live
in fear, and I realize it was a mistake what I said. Now, it's too
late. How do I make things right again, and get through to him in a
positive way?
Thank you.
Karen
Answer Hello Karen,
You didn't make a mistake. If he proposed to you, and you said, "no", then the next day he's going back on the proposal, he's obviously not ready for marriage.
Sure, it must have stung a bit when you said you wouldn't marry him, but when you ask someone to spend the rest of their life with you, those feelings don't fade overnight. If you had said "yes" I would wager that he would flip-flop again down the road.
You haven't lost him, Karen, because you really haven't had him yet. That's not to say that this can't work out, but he's still not grounded yet. He sounds rather impulsive at this point, dating you during a separation, breaking up, getting back together, him breaking up for need of space, finding you 18 months later, putting you on his insurance, proposing, then taking it back.
You two definitely have a connection, but he doesn't seem to be able to look at the relationship realistically yet. I think you need to give him his space now, and when he comes around, date for awhile, and see if things become a bit more consistent, because you don't want to tie the not and find yourselves back to him needing space again.
Go to Vegas. Have fun. Don't feel like you need to be apologetic, and have to back-pedal. Move forward. Date. enjoy yourselves and see where this goes naturally. I think that you need to keep the relationship in the oven just a bit longer. It's just not ready to serve yet.
Oh, and by the way, don't get anywhere near those 30-minute wedding chapels this weekend. :)
and they tell you they can't because they LOVE you so much
