Past/Present clients Hundreds of people from all walks of life. Experience: 25 years in the field of Personistics (innate personality characteristics)that includes: private personality profiling, Life Guidance Coaching, Business consulting, teaching numerous classes & seminars, lectures, and participating in radio talk shows.
Expert: Sharon Crandall Date: 5/8/2008 Subject: I really screwed up
Question Dear Ms. Crandall,
I really hope you can help me on this one. First some backround.
Back in 2004 I was going through a separation with my husband at the
time. A fellow co-worker was going through the same with his wife. We
became very good friends and offered each other advice through this
tough
time in our lives. Hence, as we got to know each other more and more,
we fell in love. We began dating each other at the end of 2004 and in
May of 2005 we broke up. I devistated me to no avail. We would still
run
into each other at work, which of course was very awkward. I was
heartbroken. That Oct. (2005) he asked me to dinner, and we talked
about how much we missed each other and we got back together. It was
great!
Well...the following May (2006) out of no where he broke up with me,
saying that he needed his space, needed to figure out what he really
wanted out of life. Again devistation for me. He had since moved from
NY
to
Georgia and we comunicated via e-mail very rarely. This past
November(2007), he contacted me (a year and half later) and was in NY
for his
sister's wedding, and wanted to see me. I was overjoyed. PS - we got
back
together, I'm in NY he is in GA, and asked me to move there, and he
has been saying that he wants to have a life with me, marraige,
children,
etc. He is buying a house, and I went down to help pick out
furnishings
for this house that is being built. He even put my on his life ins.
policy. I was supposed to move there the end of this month (May 2008).
This past weekend, I was really getting nervous (and very emotional
(pms
contributed), and I told him I can't marry him. My reasoning: Because
I love him so deeply, I am affraid that if we got married (Even though
I really want to, and still do), if our marraige ever had problems,
and
God for bid it ended, and/or we got bored of each other (which happens
in marraiges), we would take the risk of hating each other, and never
seeing each other again. My fear got in the way. We are still going
away to
Las Vegas this weekend together, and he still wants me to come and
visit him over the summer. The next day (after I said that I couldn't
get
married), I told him hat I was pms'ing and that I am so sorry. I do
really want to marry
him, but I just need some time to get my bearings. He said that 'that
ship has sailed' and we can't ever get married to each other.
What have I done. I really want to marry this man. I don't want to live
in fear, and I realize it was a mistake what I said. Now, it's too
late. How do I make things right again, and get through to him in a
positive way?
Thank you.
Karen
Answer Dear Karen,
He is afraid you will have a problem the next time you are pmsing. Although I do not believe it is best to move close to a guy hoping things will work out, I do not see any other way of the possibility of your getting together. He needs to see you being consistent over a period of time to where he can trust that you won't get into a mood.
Have you been moody and unpredictable in other ways, too? It might be a pattern with you and he sees that. See if he still encourages you to move there. If he doesn't then I really wouldn't do that but if he does, then you might consider it.
Another problem is that when you told him you wouldn't marry him you brought up reasons why a person would divorce--boredom, etc. that also let him know that instead of you believing in this relationship -- that it would go through thick and thin you let him know that it might not work for various reasons. You see, those were your real feelings that came out.
We give off how we really feel sometimes and so what you need to do is to truly deal with those feelings until you are totally sure you can make a commitment to a marriage and have the skills to work things out when the going gets rough, as it will. Perhaps some counseling would be good. I would certainly read books on relationships in order for you to learn skills on how to handle various problems in relationships.
Perhaps you have run away emotionally before in this relationship and he can see and feel this.
So, at this point it will take consistency on your part over a period of time before he will believe in you as a couple as to marriage.
I do wish you well. I wouldn't be too needy as that could also scare him off, but just move forward the best you can and be consistent.
Sharon Crandall
Life is 4 Living Coach/Consultant
www.myspace.com/personalityconsultant
