AboutLeon Scott Baxter Expertise I can answer questions about keeping love in committed relationships alive and fresh. I am
not the guy to go to if you're having marital problems or if you want to know how to meet
someone. (I've never been good at opening lines.)
I am dedicated to keeping the romance fires burning even after the embers of a new
relationship turn cold. Let me help you find ways to be excited about each other and your
relationship again.
Experience I have written two books, Out of the Doghouse , and A Labor With Love, to help keep romance alive in relationships. I give romance advice locally on radio have a regular newspaper column on relationships. I host a website, CouplesCommittedToLove.com, where I offer advice and give daily romance tips. I also have hosted the seminars, "Romance 101" and "The Valentine Prep Course".
Publications Santa Barbara Independent Magazine, MenStuff.com, SBParent.com, The Goleta Valley Voice, EducationNews.org
Education/Credentials Bachelor's Degree from the University of California, Santa Barbara, as well as a teaching credential.
Awards and Honors KLITE Community Hero and Ben & Jerry's Citizen Cool for my work with children and their focus on academic and personal improvement.
Listed in Who's Who in America. Name was placed on the National Wall of Tolerance for taking a stand against hate, injustice and intolerance.
In high school, voted "Most Likely To Host Saturday Night Live by 1999". Unfortunately, Lorne Michaels never called.
Expert: Leon Scott Baxter Date: 6/19/2008 Subject: Weird thoughts about ex.
Question QUESTION: I hope you can help.
I dated my ex for 2 years, and a few months. About a month ago, we broke
up. We were fighting a lot, things were getting too stressful. We decided we
needed a break from each other. She had a bf for 3 years before me, so she
hasn't been single for nearly 6 years. She doesn't want to be single to get a
new guy, but just wants it because we were fighting way too much, and we
really needed to break-up. She's told me there is no other guy for her. She
also lost her virginity to me, and is not promiscuous at all.
However, since we broke up, I keep thinking that when she goes out, she's
acting, well, slutty. I have NO CLUE why I think this. She doesn't act that way
at all, she's very nice, likes to have fun, but never acts trashy. Is it common
for people to think this way after a break-up? I know she's not out there
doing that, but the thoughts keep coming into my head. I know she's not
experimenting with other guys, she doesn't want to date, and the only time
she'll even kiss a guy is if she's dating him. What is wrong with me?
ANSWER: Hello Mark,
You've got a bit of the jealous bug. You are pretty darn sure that she's not doing these things, but there's that small part of you, way deep down inside that knows that, well, she really could be doing this. And, you wonder, what if she is?
You tell yourself again and again that she's not. That's not the kind of girl she is, but you've been with her sexually. What if she's changed and wants to experiment some more? What if? What if? What if?
The think is, if she is, it's going to kill you. The not-knowing exactly what she's doing and who's she's with and what she's thinking is eating you up, and you're really focused on it.
Is it normal? Yes, especially if you care about someone. You don't want her to share those intimate moments that you feel are yours, with anyone else.
How can you get over these? Distraction. Get out and do something and stop thinking about her all the time. She has her life to live and if she is the girl you think she is, there's nothing to worry about. Hang in there, Mark.
Thank you. I've been keeping busy, but to tell you the truth, it's draining me-
physically, mentally, and every other way. I work out an hour and a half a day,
after my part time job, and on Thursdays, there is this local festival called
Thursday in the Square that is just an excuse to drink. I'm there after work,
usually around 8 at night, and then go to the bars/clubs with my friends until
they close at 4 am. I'm also at the bars that late Friday and Saturday nights.
It's really starting to get to me.
I think the hardest part is that we kind of agreed to not talk at all. I blocked
her on instant messenger, and so did she. Her birthday is coming up, and I
found out she invited nearly 70 people, some are people that I thought she
disliked. I'm not sure what to do anymore.
ANSWER: Hello again, Mark,
You can't do anything, really, accept try to move on and wait until things simmer down with her. The drinking three times a week for 8 hours, is getting to you, because, I'm betting, instead of distracting you, it's amplifying your problems.
That's one of the problems with alcohol. If you're bummed about something, it really blows it out of proportion and your feelings grown exponentially. Do you ever find yourself getting more frustrated or angry after you go out with your buddies?
Maybe try to reduce the drinking to alleviate the anxiety it may bring on. Maybe you can suggest something else to do one of those three nights in the week. Or, if you still go clubbing, maybe drink less, or, at least try and Do something while your drinking (pool, darts, foosball, etc...) so that your mind is one something other than your girlfriend.
Then, all you can do is try to ride out this storm. It's tough, but so many of us have been where you are, and we've all made it out the other side. No one says it'll be easy, though.
Thanks for that. I've toned down the going out downtown part, I never liked it in the first place, but it just
seemed like it'd help now. I've been hanging out with my friends as much as possible, working, going to the
gym. I'm even an avid autocrosser for the SCCA, and I participate in track days with my dad through the
Porsche Club, so my weekends are full.
I think the hardest thing is knowing my friend is gone. Her birthday is this Friday, and her friends are going out
Saturday to the beach, then getting a hotel room for the night in Canada. I helped organize it over a month
ago, and now, I'm not going. This weekend is going to be tough for me as I'm going to be thinking about it, A
LOT!
I tried clearing the air last week, I called her and told her it was stupid for us to sort of be "enemies" right now.
She's blocked me on instant messenger, as well as Facebook. She told me she's happy that I'm over it, but she's
just not yet, and it's going to take more time. She didn't sound mad, and I think it was good. A month ago it
was "I never want to speak to you again", and now it's "I need a little more time".
It always did, even in our relationship. If it took me 2 days to get over something, it'd take her a week. Plus, I
think this phase right now is out of anger. I can't imagine after 4 years of being best friends, and 2 years of
being in love that she'd want nothing to do with me ever again.
Answer Hello again, Mark,
Good job with getting involved with other things and toning down the alcohol consumption. Of course this will not keep your mind from thinking about her and your relationship, but it kind mellows things out a bit. It's not going to knock out the pain, but it can make it bearable.
The worst part for me, (hearing your story) is not that you lost your girlfriend, but, like you said, hearing you lost a friend. But, I'll be honest with you. If you truly were friends for four years, this is only a bump in your relationship. Will you reignite a romantic relationship again? I don't know. But I would wager that your friendship will resurface for sure.
Boyfriends/girlfriends come and go, but friendships (true friendships) have staying power. It may just mean that you two need to keep your distance. And, if getting back together as a couple isn't in the cards, you'll need time to reinvent your relationship as friends again.
If it's any consolation, I've been in break-ups where my heart felt like it was destroyed and I wondered how I could ever face this girl again. Hear I am, years later and two of the families my family is closest with are ex-girlfriends, their husbands and kids. Our friendships were too strong to let a break-up ruin them. We just had to take time, and reinvent our relationships.
Sounds like she's starting to calm down a bit. Let her do this at her own speed. Don't push. Just let the relationship (whatever it turns out to be) develop on its own.
