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Expert: Sharon Crandall Date: 6/9/2008 Subject: How to get my boyfriend to follow through.
Question Hi,
I am 58, divorced 10 years. My boyfriend, Michael, is 59, divorced 3 years. We have been dating for two years. We both agree that our relationship is the best we've ever had. We talk about spending the rest of our lives together.
Our one area of conflict has been about me moving in with him. I am ready. He is not. We had agreed that I would move in on May 30. However, 4 weeks before, he got cold feet and called it off. This man's way of dealing with conflict is just to shut down and not communicate. After a week of silence, he got back with me and said he really wants to work things out. I told him that we really need to see a counselor together. He readily agreed. But that was a month ago and so far, he has not made an appointment. A week ago we had a very good, heart to heart talk and I told him that I see counseling as a very positive thing that would really strengthen our relationship. He said that really changed how he saw things, that he was thinking I just thought there was something wrong with him that needed to be fixed. So he said he felt good but asked me to give him a week to get comfortable with the idea.
That was a week ago and he has not brought up the subject again. I am at a loss about what to do. I want a responsible partner. I don't want to always be the one to have to bring things up. My approach so far has been that I have stopped packing up and going over to see him for the whole weekend. I plan only to see him for "dates." He says he misses me and I'm hoping this will get him to move on setting up an appointment. But I don't know if this is the right approach. What do you think? I really do love this man and in so many ways he is really great. He is expressive, makes me feel loved. He's loyal, honest, and we share the same interests. I would greatly appreciate any ideas.
Thanks in advance.
Answer Dear Jeanne,
The question is; do you want to be a shack up partner or do you want to get married? It is proven that couples who move in together before marriage have a higher divorce rate and also there is less likely of a chance of marrying the person.
Why would you want to put yourself in this position--if he is hesitating moving in then for sure he will hesitate marrying you so why do you want to put yourself in a situation where he will more and likely settle for living together and if you ever want to marry--well good luck!
It is too easy to take each other for granted when you move in and boy if it doesn't work out then you are in a mess. Being so anxious to move it makes you look really desperate and it also is really settling for less than you want. Another thing is that most men really need to be the hunters and the harder it is to get a women the more he values her (within reason).
Whatever is going on it is obvious that you are much more into this relationship than her is--is that what you want on a permanent basis? People seldom change all of a sudden and if you continue in this role of pressuring him you will be in that role the rest of your relationship life. I guess it depends on how desperate you are.
Perhaps because of your trying so hard to control this he has cold feet because underneath he senses that you might also control the relationship and him.
Sometimes strong women choose weaker men because they are afraid of losing their power if they should be with a strong man who knows what he wants in life and goes for it.
Well, these are a few things to think about. Whatever the case, I would back off entirely and let him take the lead. If you don't you will never know if he is just weak and gives in to pressure and so you will set up that kind of relationship forever, and you will never know how strongly her really feels about you.
If he is afraid of you overpowering him then this is your opportunity to have more faith in him and let him take the lead. If nothing happens then isn't that an answer to your dilemma? Maybe not the answer you want, but an answer never the less. If you let him do most of the contacting and calling and if you tell him that you want him to decide where HE wants this relationship to go and that you are sorry you pressured him and then be more consistent in not taking over in many of the little every day decisions--he just might go for the gusto!
Hope this helps.
Sharon Crandall
Life is 4 Living Coach/Consultant
www.myspace.com/personalityconsultant
