Past/Present clients Hundreds of people from all walks of life. Experience: 25 years in the field of Personistics (innate personality characteristics)that includes: private personality profiling, Life Guidance Coaching, Business consulting, teaching numerous classes & seminars, lectures, and participating in radio talk shows.
Question QUESTION: Hello,
Thank you for reading my email. I have a question that I hope you can
help
me with. I am 40 years old and going to be 41 soon. I really want to
have a
family of my own. I have not dated at all until when I was 35, and I
met a guy
online and then, every thing was fine for three months and after that,
things
went wrong and did not work. Then, I went out once with a close friend
of my
brother in law who admitted that he was very attracted to me, and then,
the
first time we went out, he was very happy, and said that that was the
best
date he had in years, etc, and then, we got together the second time
which I
asked him to get together, and he came to our house (I live with my
sister
and brother in law), so he really did not care to come there and they
were not
home any ways. We talked for long time, and after that, when he left,
he did
not contact me that much. I was the one that calling him and
contacting him.
Then, about four weeks ago, he called to return my phone call and he
said
that he has met some one from work and he is very busy with her and
spends
all his time with her.
My problem is that whoever I met say that I am very intimate and very
attractive, but after couple of times, they just leave. I am not pushy
at all and
every body even my boss says that I am the nicest person he has met
that get
along with people and is so considerate of others. Even the guys that
I met
said that I am very nice and easy to get along with. I do not know
then, why
they leave. Some times, I feel they are with me for sex only. Like this
last guy
(my in law’s best friend), after coming back from dinner, we sat in
my house
to talk, and he put his arms around me and started kissing me. He got
so
excited. That was the same with the guy before him that I went out.
To be honest, I do not want to have any sexual relationship with any
guy until
I am sure it is a serious thing which has not happened so far, and I
make it
clear to them if they want to get close. I admit that the guy before
this guy, I
was very close to him and we really got sexual. We did not have
intimacy, but
very close. But he says he does not want to get serious because he has
been
hurt before, and does not want to go through it. He says whomever he
has
been with did not work for him, and he even does not consider me. He
talks
like I am no one. He admitted that I am the nicest person of all of
them, and I
try not to push him, but it is just he is totally disrespectful, and I
can not take
it any more to be with someone that just wants to call me or come to
see me
for sex. I have cleared it to him, but he says that is the only reason
that he
will talk to me or come to see me.
I want to know what should I do to turn things around and to have a
meaningful relationship. I am against dating after dating or dating
several
guys at the same time. I do not want to go out just to go out and see
what is
up there. That is why I have not dated. The two guys that I went out, I
was
some how sure that we were at least a match, but still did not work,
and I do
not know why.
I would appreciate any feedback that you may have.
Thanks
ANSWER: Dear sk,
Well, it is kind of difficult to figure this out with only this much information.
Some of this might sound strange and I do not say anything to insult you but since I do not know you at all in any way I can only guess what might be happening.
Some women start right out acting like they are boyfriend and girlfriend right away and that can be a turnoff--too much too soon. They immediately start calling and e-mailing the guy like they have been dating a long time. The fact that you asked the guy out only after the first date lets me know this might be a problem--too easy--not enough challenge to a guy. Men like to be the hunters and usually, once you have let them know you like them, value you more if they have to work a little bit to get to see you. Women who have and keep boyfriends usually are busy sometimes, require their guy call at least 3 days ahead or they just won't go out and then they turn the guy down sometimes.
Of course, other things to look at are the way you dress (nice but not too sexy, just a touch of showing your shape) deodorant, good breathe, nice perfume (not too much)--the basics.
The key to good dating is to have fun and be fun--just good casual fun. Ask good questions that require more than a yes or no answer and listen intently.
Don't talk about your shortcomings, past relationships, other people. Show some spunk, don't always just say, "whatever you want to do". Have opinions--shows some strength.
The other thing is to assess where you are meeting these guys. If in bars, then right off the bat you are going to have to go through a lot of guys to find the one who is compatible and who you would want to marry and one who is not just after sex.
Now, if I haven't totally confused you or insulted you, then write me back with more information--hoping these things might trigger something that you could share with me to help be better understand the interaction taking place with these guys and maybe we can get to the bottom of this and figure it out.
It could be that you just have to go with a lot of guys before you find a good one.
Sharon Crandall
Life is 4 Living Coach/Consultant
www.myspace.com/personalityconsultant
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi Sharon,
Thank you so much for your reply. No, you did not insult me at all. I asked for your opinin to help myself so any thing would help.
When I read your email, I noticed that i am doing some stuff and not doing some. For example, the way i dress and go out with them is what you described we should do. That is no problem. However, I do call them and email them a lot, actully, more than they do. It is like I am chasing them not them chasing me. The other problem is that especially chris, whenever he called me to go out, I would say yes. The reason was tht he would not call for months, an then, he would call and wanted to go out and I was so into him meaning liking him and wanted to know him that I would say yes even if I was busy. Then, I noticed that all he wanted was sex, and now, he is not even calling me or answering my calls. Sometimes, he picks up the phone and even without saying hi, he hangs up the phone on me. We have a lot in common more than any guys you think, and he agreed on that because we got along well, but for some reason, he started taking advantage of me only for sex. Al he wants is to have sex. I asked him if he wanted to get serious with me, and he said no. he does note ven consider me as some one he is seeing or dating. That is what bothered me a lot.
All he was doing was either not answering thephone or answering it and talking about sex. He would not say any thing about himself. All he wanted was to talk about sex. That is where our argument started. I started telling him that he is disrespecting me, etc. and he got even worse. That is why I asked you what are the signs and what should I take into account when dating guys.
Thanks again for emailing.
Answer Dear sk,
I am so happy to hear from you again with a little more info. If a guy really likes you he can't wait to be with you. Now, that doesn't mean that after a date or two he will be like that. It takes time and boy I really believe that a woman should not have sex until marriage. If you just can't see yourself doing that then at least have a ring and a date. How else do you know if a guy really loves you for who you are? Also, how else are you going to establish a good companionship relationship?
Develop a little aura of mystery. Have a good time, don't tell all--leave something for them to guess. Wait until they are madly in love before you express love. Carry yourself with confidence. Believe me, it is fine to let them know that they will have to talk you into settling down with one guy. You see, I do believe in going with different guys--of course not having sex with them but dating them--if you have the opportunity.
Flirt, let a guy know you like him then disappear. Then reappear. There is something about a confident woman that knows who she is and where she is going that is attractive to a man. Someone who cares about him when you are with him and listens, etc., but then is not too quick to stake their claim. A confident woman would never let a guy have sex with her who just called her every month or so! That surely is a good sign that all they want is your body.
If they start talking about sex just say, "Whoa! You are getting way too far ahead in this game!" Sorry, I think I will move on. If they are interested and you they will still come after you. If you are just a challenge to get into bed they will immediately want sex as soon as you are with them. If they like you they will take you out and talk to you and spend some time with you and if you have sex or not they will still want to be with you.
You might say something like, "Hey! You don't want to mess up a good relationship with sex do you?" Let's see if we are really compatible. If they ask how long--do not make a commitment--just say I don't know.
Then, after you go with them awhile and you think they really like you for you then you could tell them that you need to be straight out and that you will only have sex either after marriage or when you have a ring and a date as you have found that sex really messes up the ability to really establish a good companionship type relationship that will last.
Then, they will either disappear or respect you and realize they really have a catch and will continue going out and will respect you. If they really try hard over and over to get you to have sex with them then as far as I am concern--move on.
I have been through a lot with my three girls and I have seen it all.
I recommend you read Dr. Laura Schlesinger's books and there is a lot of good information that will help re-enforce your confidence, etc.
