AboutLeon Scott Baxter Expertise I can answer questions about keeping love in committed relationships alive and fresh. I am
not the guy to go to if you're having marital problems or if you want to know how to meet
someone. (I've never been good at opening lines.)
I am dedicated to keeping the romance fires burning even after the embers of a new
relationship turn cold. Let me help you find ways to be excited about each other and your
relationship again.
Experience I have written two books, Out of the Doghouse , and A Labor With Love, to help keep romance alive in relationships. I give romance advice locally on radio have a regular newspaper column on relationships. I host a website, CouplesCommittedToLove.com, where I offer advice and give daily romance tips. I also have hosted the seminars, "Romance 101" and "The Valentine Prep Course".
Publications Santa Barbara Independent Magazine, MenStuff.com, SBParent.com, The Goleta Valley Voice, EducationNews.org
Education/Credentials Bachelor's Degree from the University of California, Santa Barbara, as well as a teaching credential.
Awards and Honors KLITE Community Hero and Ben & Jerry's Citizen Cool for my work with children and their focus on academic and personal improvement.
Listed in Who's Who in America. Name was placed on the National Wall of Tolerance for taking a stand against hate, injustice and intolerance.
In high school, voted "Most Likely To Host Saturday Night Live by 1999". Unfortunately, Lorne Michaels never called.
Expert: Leon Scott Baxter Date: 6/7/2008 Subject: Me and my girlfriend are on a break
Question QUESTION: To start off I really suck at typing but ill try my best to ask my question. My question I have is between me and my girlfriend who not too long ago i asked her to marry me she said yes of course. Now that 2 or three months have passed we have been having some small arguments and one where we yelled at each other really loud. So she decided that we should take a break but not break up. I told her ok if this will help us then ill do anything for her. I asked how long should we take a break and, she responded by saying that she didn't know. I then told her well let me know when your ready and well pick up where we left off from our relationship. Its been a week and we have only been talking to each other on text messaging and , we rarely ever talked on the phone maybe once or twice a week but, most of the time we only talked once a week. This is where I say that i truly do love and miss her but i do not want to bug her because I really want to give her space and time. Another question id like to ask should i even talk to her during our break. I didn't mention this in the beginning but we have been together for about 9 months. Any how continuing what i was saying about my one week into the break my girlfriend suddenly changed she sorta stopped texting me and when i said i loved her i never got a text back saying she loved be to. I know that she loves me because shes always told me that I'm her one and only and shell always love me no matter what.Im sorry once again about forgetting to say this earlier but girlfriend has recently lost her grandma and she s having her finals this week so maybe shes just going through some little stress. So I honestly don't know what to do. I Do know that I want to be with her because I know in my heart she is the one for me because I Do truly LOVE her With all my heart and soul
thank you and sorry again my writing and grammar needs works
ANSWER: Hello Al,
A few things, first, it's fine to talk about marriage, but I wouldn't recommend couples to look at it too seriously (prepare for it and all) until they've been together for at least 18 months. Why? The first 6 to 18 months in a relationship is the honeymoon stage, usually when things feel just right, perfect. Here's more on that (http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com/report_10_fades.php). It's only after that when couples start to get a feel for the relationship without all of the "feel good" chemicals that come at the beginning.
So, it could be that she's coming down from the honeymoon stage and is wondering about the future of the relationship, because it no longer feels the way it did at first.
As far as the break, that's a good idea, but you should have definitely set ground rules: how long the break is, do you talk, can you date others, etc... Take a look at this with regard to setting up a break where everyone knows the parameters (http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com/report_11_break.php).
So, what do you do know? I would text her and tell her that you don't want to interfere with her time and space away from the relationship, but that you two should talk about the parameters of the break. If you want, you can tell her you contacted me and this is what I suggested. It's basically back-tracking and doing what you should have done when you initiated the break.
Once you have the rules, give yourselves time to discover what you want from the relationship and each other. Then, after the time you'd decided on, come back together and discuss where you want to go with this next. If you do decide to stay together, feel free to talk marriage, but take a long engagement to be sure that all of the kinks are worked out.
QUESTION: This is the same problem but was unable to finish my question above.
I recently have gone on a break with my girlfriend because of an accident that happened at the mall. One day when i went to the mall I happen to bump into my ex outside the bathrooms,At first she stood their and I said hi and she said hi but she didn't say anything else after that, But all of a sudden she jumped on me and kissed me for a brief second before I pushed her away and told her whats wrong with u I have a girlfriend and I told her never to speak to me again and I walked away from her. I of course felt like I cheated even though I didn't intentionally kiss her. As a boyfriend I need to tell my Girlfriend what happened. I told her and she was devastated and crushed and heart broken. she
thought that we should take a break and I agreed on it. So about 2 weeks have passed and i didn't have much contact with her up till WED,June 4,2008 I asked if I could call her and talk to her. She said ok and I talked to her about her day when I
asked to talk to talk about us and what happened. I told her That I was sorry so many times and asked to give me another chance, But she said that she doesn't know if she can because she doesn't know that something like this will happen again. I told her that It will never happen again I promised her , but she still said that she doesn't know. She said that ill have to show her some way where I deserve another chance and and her trust but i don't know how I can do this but the only thing I can think of Is time will tell
so what should I do I know that the only one i want to be with is her she is the only one ill ever love with all my heart . I'LL DO ANYTHING IT TAKES TO GET HER BACK
ANSWER: Hello again, Al,
It sounds to me that you're leaving part of this story out. It doesn't add it, to me. It's usually hard for a woman to sneak an attack kiss on her ex-boyfriend at a mall. But, if that really was what happened, then why would your girlfriend be crushed and devastated if YOU were the victim? Why would you agree to take a break if you had been attacked? And, why would you apologize over and over if you didn't do anything wrong?
Are there other trust issues here that I should know about? If you really want me to help you, you have to be upfront with me, because, if not, I'll give you advice that will end up hurting your situation because I don't have a complete picture of what's going on.
Tell me why your girlfriend might not trust you. What happened before? And, tell me how much you "let" your ex kiss you.
QUESTION: well about the trust issue she thinks something like another girl will kiss me in the future. In other words she might be scared to be hurt again. I know this is confusing but she got hurt because my ex kissed me and she thinks I could of done something when I was caught off guard. My ex didn't really kiss me it was probably not even a second before I pushed her away and Got defensive about her trying to kiss me, and after that I walked away erasing her from my life.
their really wasn't any trust issues in the past we were good on trust till this happened.
Answer Hello again, Al,
So, if what you say about the kiss from the ex is accurate, then your girlfriend is really jumping the gun, here. I went back and read your initial communication with me, and I'm wondering if she is just using this as an excuse to get some space in this relationship.
It sounds that she has been trying to create some distance in this relationship recently. And, even though you are not at fault, she may be using this incident as leverage to get even farther from you.
What I would do is STOP APOLOGIZING if you've done nothing wrong. Don't allow yourself to be the victim here. Yes, she has the ball in her court, but if you continue to say you are sorry for what you haven't done, you are playing into this fantasy that she's created. And, soon, you'll both forget the reality, and these roles will be set in stone.
Give her the space that she obviously wants. Be receptive to her, but stop chasing. And, don't say you are sorry for something you didn't do. If you must apologize, tell her you are sorry that she feels that way, but by apologizing you are admitting guilt which can be sued against you later.
