AboutKathleen Nickerson, PhD Expertise Do you feel like your partner is pulling away or pushing you away? Feel invisible, unappreciated, unloved, and neglected? It doesn't have to be this way and I'd love to help you. As an expert in working with couples who want to strengthen and repair their relationships, I've worked with many people who feel just the way you do. I understand how painful and hurtful these situations can be; it would be my honor to assist you. I am a licensed clinical psychologist with special training in couples counseling.
Experience I am a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in helping couples strengthen and repair their relationships. I love what I do because I love love - I am eternally optimistic about relationships and believe that any marriage can be made better.
Organizations American Psychological Association
Orange County Psychological Association
University of California IRB
Orange County Mental Health Board
Founder, Mental Health Advisory Board, OH, Inc.
Publications I love to share my knowledge with others and in recent years, I have had the privilege of speaking at more than 150 local and national conferences and training programs. I have also been a featured guest on numerous local radio and television programs. In addition to speaking, I enjoy writing and have written over 75 professional publications. My first book, Speaking Up: How to Get Help for Children Living in Abusive Homes, is used as a textbook for teachers and provides a comprehensive overview of child abuse reporting. I collaborated with colleagues to write Save the Date, a curriculum for the United States Department of Justice for teens on developing healthy dating relationships. I am currently at work on two new books to be released later this year: It's All In Your Head: Secrets To Staying Happy and Healthy & Divorcing Your Inner Fat Girl: The Smart Woman's Guide To Emotional Health After Weight Loss.
Education/Credentials PhD - Clinical Psychology, Capella University
MA - Developmental Psychology, Capella University
B - Chemistry, University of California, Irvine
Awards and Honors Please see my website for a complete bio: www.drkathynickerson.com
Question My boyfriend and I have been dating for around a year and five months now, and I love him dearly. We have overcome several obstacles together concerning his work schedule, his independence and the fact that he's been married before. We have now become very comfortable with each other, and we've both made some changes for the better in our relationship. He just bought a new house, and I have helped him make that house more into a home even though I have a place of my own. I run errand for him when he doesn't have time, help keep his house clean, and cook for him during the week so that he will have left overs to eat when he gets off work. I enjoy doing these things for him because I love him, and he tells me how appreciative he is..but I keep running into a consistent problem. We rarely ever do anything with my parents (eating or hanging out), and there are little events that wouldn't take up much of his time. he doesn't want to go to them on his days off work. I go to many small events alone and people are always asking me where he is. My boyfriend works very hard (80 hours a week) running his own restaurant. he only has Sundays and Mondays off. I'm always up for going to visit his mother or doing the things that he wants to do. All I want him to do is go to a simple get together with me an hour on a Sunday afternoon. He tells me I'm guilt-tripping him all the time about not going to these events. Am I asking too much or should I really worry about it and just keep on doing my own thing? My father acts the same way. Should I just give up on the issue?
Answer Hi Mandy. No, I don't think you're asking too much and I think this is too important of an issue to give up on. It sounds like your family is very important to you and so I can understand why it's so frustrating, and probably confusing, why your boyfriend won't make time to be with you and your family.
So here are some things to think about:
1. Even though he is very busy (works 80+ hours per week), does he have free time to do other things?
2. If he does have free time and you're asking for an occasional visit with your family, what kind of message is he sending you by NOT going to family gatherings?
3. Has he ever had a negative experience with your family? Does he think they think poorly of him?
4. Have you ever talked about why he doesn't want to go?
My thinking is that no matter how busy you are, you can always make time for something that's important to someone you love. Your family seems very important to you, which is very good. I'd think it appropriate and loving for him to spend time with you AND your family.
If he has free time to go do other things, like spend time with his friends and family, then he does have time to spend with you and your family. So it seems like he is trying to avoid them and I wonder, why?
I think it's very important for you to have a conversation with him about this and say, "Sweetheart, I really love you and I love being with my family. I really want for us to spend time with my family next week at Sarah's birthday party. Can I tell them we'll be there?" Then if he says no, you can follow up with, "So help me understand, why don't you want to go? Is there anything we should talk about?" If he keeps saying no, or says you're guilt-tripping him or that he's too tired, it's perfectly ok to say, "Yes, I know how hard you work and that you have very little free time, but I really want to work this out, so please help me understand if there are some things I don't know about that are bugging you. I can't help you with something I don't know about.
