Expert: Leon Scott Baxter: - 6/5/2008

Question

Hello,


I know there are a lot of ways to answer this question but you may be able to help me. I am wondering what being compatible with someone means - is love not enough? I love my boyfriend and I can see myself being with him for very long. But I feel that before I take it further, I have to know if we have the ingredients of a healthy, compatible, long-lasting relationship. Is it shared values, goals, interests? Is it always feeling loving,caring and affectionate? Being angry and resentful from time to time? Negligeable differences, no arguments? Finding the other person perfect? Feeling passionate and excited and crave the other like at the beginning of a new relationship? Or a calmer state, more comfort, security and a peaceful feeling. And what kind of differences could be unsurmountable in a couple? Should efforts be made constantly - or should it be very easy.

Thanks!


Answer
Hello Lo,

You can go to places online that will offer you and your partner "compatibility testing". But, the results are based on formulas and speculation. True compatibility doesn't have rigid lines. All it means is that two people can fit well together, like pieces of a puzzle. You don't have to force the pieces to fit. You may need to use a little bit of wiggling, but really the pieces belong together. Sometimes the pieces look similar, sometimes they are totally different.

There are people who will tell you, that you two must be opposites to be compatible. Others will say that you must have the same values and interests. It really goes farther and deeper than that. I don't think you can so much see if you are compatible before you go farther in the relationship. I think you must go farther to know if you are compatible.

Let me answer your questions: No, love alone is not enough. You must have respect and patience and flexibility. And, if you want the passion and excitement to continue, then, you'll need romance, too.

If your relationship last long, you will go through highs and lows like a roller coaster, when you are very loving to one another, and when life gets in the way and disrupts those patterns. You will get angry from time to time, but resentment is something you'd like to avoid, because it carries with it a heavy burden, a dark cloud, that can scar a relationship.

There are no perfect couples. If a couple doesn't have disagreements, then they are holding back and not truly expressing themselves. Think of you and your best friend. You can disagree and even get angry, but still love each other, and know that these tiffs won't end what you have.

You may find your partner perfect during the "honeymoon stage" of your relationship for two reasons: 1) he's showing you his best, and 2) brain chemicals have put blinders on you. Here's more on that (http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com/report_10_fades.php). But, eventually, you will see that he is not perfect. the compatible couples love each other in spite of their imperfections.

The stage that flows the honeymoon stage is very different. It includes security, reliability, commitment, trust, patience, comfort and contentment. For me, the ideal relationship is at this stage nut also has access to those emotions from the honeymoon stage. that takes work, and it's called romance.

Romance ebbs and flows, but it's based on how much work you put into it. After the honeymoon stage is over, if you want the passion and excitement, you must work. It takes effort and when you stop working, it goes away. Relationships take work, but the work is an investment that is guaranteed to reap terrific returns!

Hope that helps.




Leon Scott Baxter
"America's Romance Guru"
http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com