AboutLeon Scott Baxter Expertise I can answer questions about keeping love in committed relationships alive and fresh. I am
not the guy to go to if you're having marital problems or if you want to know how to meet
someone. (I've never been good at opening lines.)
I am dedicated to keeping the romance fires burning even after the embers of a new
relationship turn cold. Let me help you find ways to be excited about each other and your
relationship again.
Experience I have written two books, Out of the Doghouse , and A Labor With Love, to help keep romance alive in relationships. I give romance advice locally on radio have a regular newspaper column on relationships. I host a website, CouplesCommittedToLove.com, where I offer advice and give daily romance tips. I also have hosted the seminars, "Romance 101" and "The Valentine Prep Course".
Publications Santa Barbara Independent Magazine, MenStuff.com, SBParent.com, The Goleta Valley Voice, EducationNews.org
Education/Credentials Bachelor's Degree from the University of California, Santa Barbara, as well as a teaching credential.
Awards and Honors KLITE Community Hero and Ben & Jerry's Citizen Cool for my work with children and their focus on academic and personal improvement.
Listed in Who's Who in America. Name was placed on the National Wall of Tolerance for taking a stand against hate, injustice and intolerance.
In high school, voted "Most Likely To Host Saturday Night Live by 1999". Unfortunately, Lorne Michaels never called.
Expert: Leon Scott Baxter Date: 6/12/2008 Subject: is it time to break up
Question I have been with my boyfriend now for 7 1/2 years. I am 27 and he is 31. We have lived together for 3 years. Our relationship started out perfect like all relationships. That wonderful "honeymoon" period. Around year 4 we started talking about marriage and children but he has never proposed or gone any further with the talk. It's still just talk. I ask him all the time where he feels this relationship is going and i get the same answer all the time, "I want to get married and have children, but I want it on my terms." he'll say or "Why do you have to rush things?" At this point after 7 1/2 years I really don't consider this rushing and i have tried to explain this to him. I don't want to force him into something he doesn't want to do and that's why i keep bringing it up. I want to get married and have children but if he doesn't want to then he needs to let me know this.
So needless to say because of the run around i get about the commitment issue, I have started to pull away from him. We have little to no sex life and we just argue all the time. I have thought about leaving in the past and actually told him that i wanted to break up but he some how convinced me that the problems in our relationship was my fault and we could just become more intimate with each other things would change.
I am confused and don't know what to do. Is it time to stop beating around the bush and move on or is there a way to fix this?
Thanks
Natasha
Answer Hello Natasha,
What does he mean, "on his terms". Marriage is not about one person's terms. You go into it together. If he says he'll do it on his terms, but gives you no terms, and no reason for him to be stalling, then he's completely in the driver's seat. That's no way to start a marriage.
I agree. Seven and a half years does not seem like a rush to me. Think about it. When you started dating gas prices were under two bucks a gallon. That's a long time ago!
So, he says he wants to marry you and have kids with you, but his words don't fit his actions. Either he's yanking your chain and saying what you want to hear to keep you around, or he really means what he says, but is scared.
At this point, you two need to sit down and NOT ARGUE, just talk and try to get both of you open up. Find out what he really wants and what's the hold up. Let him know how you are feeling and your fears. Don't be defensive and do not attack. Use "I" statements. "I feel that..." "I would like it if we..."
If he attacks, don't retaliate. Try to speak calmly and douse the flames. What you're trying to do here is to communicate and become open with one another to determine the next step in this relationship. Maybe his reasonings are valid and you can wait it out. Or, maybe he's just stringing you along, in which case you may decide this is the time either take a break or move on.
