AboutLeon Scott Baxter Expertise I can answer questions about keeping love in committed relationships alive and fresh. I am
not the guy to go to if you're having marital problems or if you want to know how to meet
someone. (I've never been good at opening lines.)
I am dedicated to keeping the romance fires burning even after the embers of a new
relationship turn cold. Let me help you find ways to be excited about each other and your
relationship again.
Experience I have written two books, Out of the Doghouse , and A Labor With Love, to help keep romance alive in relationships. I give romance advice locally on radio have a regular newspaper column on relationships. I host a website, CouplesCommittedToLove.com, where I offer advice and give daily romance tips. I also have hosted the seminars, "Romance 101" and "The Valentine Prep Course".
Publications Santa Barbara Independent Magazine, MenStuff.com, SBParent.com, The Goleta Valley Voice, EducationNews.org
Education/Credentials Bachelor's Degree from the University of California, Santa Barbara, as well as a teaching credential.
Awards and Honors KLITE Community Hero and Ben & Jerry's Citizen Cool for my work with children and their focus on academic and personal improvement.
Listed in Who's Who in America. Name was placed on the National Wall of Tolerance for taking a stand against hate, injustice and intolerance.
In high school, voted "Most Likely To Host Saturday Night Live by 1999". Unfortunately, Lorne Michaels never called.
Expert: Leon Scott Baxter Date: 6/29/2008 Subject: he wants some space/break
Question Me & my boyfriend met in college last December ('07). He was a senior and I
was a sophomore. We began living together in his apartment right away and
got along so well and fell in love incredibly quick. He was a carefree, party
hardy, good kid while in college. But now 6 months later he has moved back
to his hometown (an hour away from me) into an apartment and began a
pretty successful first job in a marketing department. we stuck through it for
one month while he was an hour away and saw each other once a weekend
and maybe one day during the week. I began to see a change in him shortly
after he moved back home, I understood that he was busy and he was living a
different lifestyle and could also see things were getting worse before they
got better. Just yesterday he told me he thinks that we should take a break or
just give eachother some space, because he needs to focus on himself
something that he's never done, and that he did not imagine life after college
to be this different and for his priorities to change as much as they have. I'm
still in college so now we live two different lifestyles, which sucks and can be
hard. We were such good friends along with being in a relationship and we
both agreed on how much we've grown on each other and that we want to
keep each other in each of our lives, but we should maintain some space
between us and see how it goes from there. I dont exactly know how to feel
about this, I can see we need space cause hes adapting to a different lifestyle
and through this transition the lack of attention on our relationship is unfair
to the both of us. Does this all sound normal? Should I give him all the space
he needs, and just relax and focus on my own life for now if thats what hes
doing? We were so serious when we were living together, but once he began
life in the "real world", he admitted he has seen a drastic change in his
priorities now, and he isnt the drinker, partier type he used to be and he
needs to be more serious now--which is clearly understandable. What
approach should I take to this whole situation, I realize it's only been one
day, but everything has done a complete 180 and neither of us expected to
have this problem this soon into the relationship. Any words of advice would
be amazing. Thank you.
Answer Hello Melissa,
First off, yes, it is normal, for a number of reasons. Let me start off by telling you that where you are in your relationship (no matter if he moved away, or got a job, or graduated) is a tough time for most couples. Six to eighteen months into a relationship, a change usually takes place, and it's all due to brain chemistry. Here's a link that will help explain it in more detail (http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com/report_10_fades.php). So, no matter what else happened, odds are you two would have felt a shift in the relationship, loss of passion, excitement, maybe playfulness. You may have even started to realize the little idiosyncracies that you overlooked, sated to annoy.
Next, he's on to a different stage in his life. As you said, priorities change, and it can sometimes be tough to relate to one another. What is important to one partner, may seem frivolous to the other. So, connecting can be difficult.
Third, he's moved away, so you are in essence having a long-distance relationship (LDR). Here's a link that hits on some important points of a LDR (http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com/report_9_away.php). What you will read in this link is that because you're not together as often as before, when you grow, instead of growing together, you can grow apart, and when you reunite, you see and feel the changes. That compounded with the end of the honeymoon stage and him graduating college, can put quite the strain on the relationship.
Do I think a break may be in order? He seems to think so, and it sounds like it may actually be in the best interest of both of you. I say this because if you decide to try to fight through this, it may be a struggle that could in in resentment. He needs to kind of figure out who he is in the "real world". Once he finds his niche, he'll be more apt to get involved in a relationship again. And, you in college, shouldn't have to worry all the time about the boyfriend you see for a few hours each month. That can take a lot away from your college experience.
I am a firm believer that if you two really love each other, when the dust settles, you will find your way back together and move on as a couple. Here, read about some of the successes of couples who took a break, as well as how to set "break" ground rules, before you jump into it (http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com/report_11_break.php).
I hope I've helped some. Feel free to ask any more questions anytime. Good luck.
