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About Leon Scott Baxter
Expertise
I can answer questions about keeping love in committed relationships alive and fresh. I am
not the guy to go to if you're having marital problems or if you want to know how to meet
someone. (I've never been good at opening lines.)
I am dedicated to keeping the romance fires burning even after the embers of a new
relationship turn cold. Let me help you find ways to be excited about each other and your
relationship again.
Experience
I have written two books, Out of the Doghouse , and A Labor With Love, to help keep romance alive in relationships. I give romance advice locally on radio have a regular newspaper column on relationships. I host a website, CouplesCommittedToLove.com, where I offer advice and give daily romance tips. I also have hosted the seminars, "Romance 101" and "The Valentine Prep Course".
Publications
Santa Barbara Independent Magazine, MenStuff.com, SBParent.com, The Goleta Valley Voice, EducationNews.org
Education/Credentials
Bachelor's Degree from the University of California, Santa Barbara, as well as a teaching credential.
Awards and Honors
KLITE Community Hero and Ben & Jerry's Citizen Cool for my work with children and their focus on academic and personal improvement.
Listed in Who's Who in America. Name was placed on the National Wall of Tolerance for taking a stand against hate, injustice and intolerance.
In high school, voted "Most Likely To Host Saturday Night Live by 1999". Unfortunately, Lorne Michaels never called.
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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > How to Strengthen Your Relationship > What Do I DO With Her?
Expert: Leon Scott Baxter
Date: 6/15/2008
Subject: What Do I DO With Her?
Question
QUESTION: Well I have been with this girl for over a year and a half which i know isn't very long but it isn't very short. She and i have had a bunch of make-ups and break-ups along the way but we always end up back together. Well I know that most of the time it is my fault cause I always act before i think i never trust her even though 99% of the time she is telling me the truth. This time i wne tto far. Her parents got involved with us a few weeks ago and broke up us and although she told me not to i called and tried to apologize to them and got them really frustrated. Well last night she was out of town and staying with a friend and she had just told me the night before she thought she might be pregnant which freaked me out but i was ready to embrace it. So she was out of town with her dad and was staying at a friends house and had been threatining to drink when we had promised not to and i kept pushing her telling her not to do it and that i didn't want her to make mistakes i did. She wouldn't seem to listen to me so once again i got her mother involved and spilled the beans on us haveing a sexual reltionship and really put her in hot water. Well after countless hours of trying her friend answered the phone and allowed me to talk to her. I came to find she didn't even drink and had just kept telling me that cause i kept annoying her. Well now she is exteamely hurt by me and said she won't tbe talking to me and dosen't want to talk to me cause i may have just screwed up her life. OVer my fear of her getting drunk and doing things with another guy even though i tried to use that i was scared drinking would kill the unknown if even there baby. what do i doi need her in my life she means the world to me?
ANSWER: Hello Anthony,
What you do is wait. You two need time to simmer down. I mean, my goodness, this relationship is on a path of destruction! And, fuel just get added to the fire making things even hotter and more confusing.
Here's why you need to wait. First, if she is pregnant, you WILL be a part of her life, like it or not. You two will be connected through a third life. And, if you find that you two will be parents, good chance some of the issues will be put aside while you two come together to figure out how to deal with this life change.
Secondly, you both need to get away from each other for a bit to clear your heads. The relationship is dysfunctional now. You break-up and get back together over and over. You don't trust her. She's almost always been honest with you (which is a nice way of saying she's lied). Her parents don't seem to want you around. She's possibly pregnant, and toying with the idea of drinking (which, although she didn't, is something that she shouldn't even consider during pregnancy, but especially during the first trimester!). You're afraid she'll get with another guy.
I mean, this relationship sounds like it brings more pain to the two of you than happiness. Wait until you find out what's going on with the possibility of pregnancy. Once she knows, you two need to sit down calmly and discuss the next step.
One thing you may need to do, Anthony, is seek some help as far as trust issues and see why you can't believe her. And, also, you may need to pull back a bit and not be so impulsive. How do you do that? Could be you just be more aware of it and you change. May need to read a book on it. Then, again, you may want to seek out a professional. I think couples counseling for both of you would be beneficial if you two do decide to try this again.
Good luck.
Hello Anthony,
What you do is wait. You two need time to simmer down. I mean, my goodness, this relationship is on a path of destruction! And, fuel just get added to the fire making things even hotter and more confusing.
Here's why you need to wait. First, if she is pregnant, you WILL be a part of her life, like it or not. You two will be connected through a third life. And, if you find that you two will be parents, good chance some of the issues will be put aside while you two come together to figure out how to deal with this life change.
Secondly, you both need to get away from each other for a bit to clear your heads. The relationship is dysfunctional now. You break-up and get back together over and over. You don't trust her. She's almost always been honest with you (which is a nice way of saying she's lied). Her parents don't seem to want you around. She's possibly pregnant, and toying with the idea of drinking (which, although she didn't, is something that she shouldn't even consider during pregnancy, but especially during the first trimester!). You're afraid she'll get with another guy.
I mean, this relationship sounds like it brings more pain to the two of you than happiness. Wait until you find out what's going on with the possibility of pregnancy. Once she knows, you two need to sit down calmly and discuss the next step.
One thing you may need to do, Anthony, is seek some help as far as trust issues and see why you can't believe her. And, also, you may need to pull back a bit and not be so impulsive. How do you do that? Could be you just be more aware of it and you change. May need to read a book on it. Then, again, you may want to seek out a professional. I think couples counseling for both of you would be beneficial if you two do decide to try this again.
Good luck.
Leon Scott Baxter
"America's Romance Guru"
http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Well I dod talk to her again and she said not to talk to her at all she just is completely pissed at me and i am waiting but i dont think she is coming back this time you know and we found out she isn't pregnant so now i am just feeling even more stupid are there any ways i can earn her back or anything i can do?
Answer
Hello again, Anthony,
First, you both should be thankful that you are not going to be parents right now, not because you wouldn't be good parents, but because you'd be forcing your relationship.
So, now that that's out of the way, what should you do? You should give her the space she asks for. She knows how you feel. If you go chasing her, you'll make her frustrated and look desperate, which she'll use against you.
If after she simmers down, she wants to be with you, she will absolutely give you a call. But, then again, she may really be done with this given your relationship in the past.
You can't really "earn" someone back who doesn't want to be with you. All you can do is give them the opportunity and leave the door open for them. They can't be pushed or pulled through that door. They need to walk through on their own accord.
I'm sorry I'm unable to solve this dilemma for you, but she's pretty much in the driver's seat and you need to sit quietly in the backseat and see where she's going to take you.
Leon Scott Baxter
"America's Romance Guru"
http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com
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