AboutKindred Beisinger Expertise I am able to answer questions regarding dating, courtship, and marriage after divorce. I feel equipped to address questions and comments regarding old baggage and past mistakes. I can also answer questions pertaining to blended families and step-children. I can not answer questions that involve manipulating the partners behavior or outlook.
Experience I am a minister that teaches and counsels G-d's instruction for stable relationships. My husband and I have both been married before. I have worked with battered women and facilitated groups for men with anger issues. As a minister, I have officiated several weddings in the past decade, with only one resulting in divorce.
Question My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over 20 months and have only recently been experiencing some turmoil with our relationship.
Before I speak on behalf of our current situation, let me preface this by saying that we truly are the best of friends and do have a relationship built on trust, communication and love. All the important elements of a relationship have always been present and have given us both a reason to be comfortable and secure in our commitment to each other. We love spending time together and she's told me that I am 'home' to her.
Recently, however, my girlfriend has told me that she doesnt know what she wants. I can't tell you how many times she's told me that she wants to build her life with me and that if it weren't with me, it wouldn't be with anyone. At times, she feels inferior and that she will never fully be able to give me what I deserve and need in a relationship (though she never had that problem in the beginning). There are times when she'll tell me that she needs to focus on herself and put herself in a better position emotionally to be able to flourish in our relationship and ensure that it stays healthy and happy(she herself is not happy right now). But, in the next breath, she'll say that she can't understand why I stay, that she'll understand if I were to turn and walk away from her, etc.
She knows that she can't have her 'cake and eat it too' and she's consistently expressed to me that she wants to be fair to me. She's fearful that if she does 'change' for the better, that she'll fall out of love with me and then my 'waiting' for and being patient with her will have all been for nothing.
She'll ask for space and when I give it to her, she'll say that she doesn't really want it. So, we'll talk more frequently and hang out again, only for her to revert back to her need for space. She's enduring a lot at the moment aside from our relationship and I'm fearful that all of the outside distractions are influencing her decisions with me.
I just don't know what to do at this point. If I continue to subject myself to her constant 'ups and downs', surely nothing will ever be resolved and will only cause more resentment for me. But, in the same respect, I do love her incredibly and would do anything to preserve our relationship. I know what she's capable of and how much she loves me. But, right now, she's really NOT herself and seems to detached from everything. Do I continue to take her calls? Or, do I just cut ties alltogether and give her the space she seems to be in need of?
She's spoken with her roommate for support and her roommate has assured me that she loves me and that she does want things to work. But, her roommate also agrees that she's extremely confused about what she wants. She (my gf) does recognize that I'm a good person, an amazing partner and someone that shouldn't be taken for granted. I just don't know how to alleviate this situation and make it easier for me to get thru each day that I awaken to..
Please advise..
Answer Dear Heartbroken,
I think you need to let your girl friend see as much of this question to me, as you are comfortable sharing. This is so thoughtful and so gallant. I also think you need to realize, if your girl friend's room mate is involved in the situation, your girl friend really is going through a time of indecision. You need to decide what time frame and comfort zone you need and let her know where your heart is. I really think she needs to see some of this post. She needs to know her ups and downs and lack of confidence in the relationship could cause the damage she is so afraid of.
I keep thinking of the Scripture in Job that mentions "that which I feared the most has come to pass."
She is setting this up to be a self-fulfilling prophecy of a doomed relationship. Let her know, you love her enough to let her do this, but you love her enough to hope she doesn't.
Kind Regards,
Kindred
www.eingedi.us
