AboutLeon Scott Baxter Expertise I can answer questions about keeping love in committed relationships alive and fresh. I am
not the guy to go to if you're having marital problems or if you want to know how to meet
someone. (I've never been good at opening lines.)
I am dedicated to keeping the romance fires burning even after the embers of a new
relationship turn cold. Let me help you find ways to be excited about each other and your
relationship again.
Experience I have written two books, Out of the Doghouse , and A Labor With Love, to help keep romance alive in relationships. I give romance advice locally on radio have a regular newspaper column on relationships. I host a website, CouplesCommittedToLove.com, where I offer advice and give daily romance tips. I also have hosted the seminars, "Romance 101" and "The Valentine Prep Course".
Publications Santa Barbara Independent Magazine, MenStuff.com, SBParent.com, The Goleta Valley Voice, EducationNews.org
Education/Credentials Bachelor's Degree from the University of California, Santa Barbara, as well as a teaching credential.
Awards and Honors KLITE Community Hero and Ben & Jerry's Citizen Cool for my work with children and their focus on academic and personal improvement.
Listed in Who's Who in America. Name was placed on the National Wall of Tolerance for taking a stand against hate, injustice and intolerance.
In high school, voted "Most Likely To Host Saturday Night Live by 1999". Unfortunately, Lorne Michaels never called.
Question QUESTION: I meet my boyfriend in Sept 08. I am 29, and he is 35. We live over an hour apart. He has a very busy life schedule. He has stressful job, and works long hours. He also has another "business" on the side. He is the lead singer in his band, which he has been some what successful after 4years. He travels to pratice and do shows for his band at least 2 to 3 weekends out of the month.
When we first met, I told him that we are from 2 different worlds. I am Italian, and my family and I are very traditional. He is canadian, lives on his own, and is not very family orientated.
When we first meet, within the first 3months things were amazing. We talked about marriage, family, children. Basically we found our soulmates and this was it.
After 4 months into the relationship he got busier with work, and his band demanded alot of his time. I was understanding and supportive.
The marriage issued got pushed back from being engaged this summer to maybe 2-3 years. I was fine with that.
Now, I feel I need more of his time and attention. He is not the same person I feel in love with. He seems sad, and frusterated, and stressed, and down most of the time.
We had a discussion and he say's, that he feels guilty for not spending time with me, he says I deserve better, and more, I am amazing in everyway, and has no complaints about me. But, he says he is just not happy with himself and has issues with himself. He is not sure if this is the right time for him to be in a relationship. I asked him is this it? What are you trying to tell me? Do you want me to say the words for you? He says no! I said so what do we do? I want more, and he is not sure. But I dont want to lose him. WE both don't know what to do? Do we stay and work through our issues, or just go our seperate ways.
He has soo much going on in his life, he doesn't even have time for himself, let alone me. I feel so confussed and heart broken. We went from talking about marriage, to not even being sure if we should be together.
Please sheed some light on this situation. I love him deeply, but don't know if I should stay or go.
ANSWER: Hello Mimmi,
First, you two were speaking of marriage so early because you wee under a "spell". The brain releases these "feel good" chemicals the first 6 to 18 months of a relationship and it feels like nothing can go wrong. Why wait? Let's talk marriage now!
Then, the chemicals subside and you realize that this is real life. Your partner isn't perfect and neither is the relationship (none are). The couples who marry during this "honeymoon stage" generally end in divorce or dishonesty. So, you always want to ride it out to see how you can manage without the chemicals (more on this: http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com/report_10_fades.php).
It sounds to me that you two truly care for one another, but aren't sure how to make this relationship work in your lives. If you stay the way you are, you both may end up even more unhappy. If you separate, you may lose the person you love most.
Why not try a "break"? This will give you both time and space to reflect on yourselves, your partner and your relationship. It will give you the opportunity to see how life is without him. It will give him the chance to focus on his demanding lie, and see if there is a nagging feeling that something is missing. Check out this link to see more about the break, how to do it right, and what "rule" to implement (http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com/report_11_break.php).
This way you are giving yourselves a trial run without one another. And, then you can reassess what you need and make decisions based on what you've learned.
QUESTION: Thank you for your advice. We do genuinley love eachother, and you are right we are not sure how to make the relationship work due to so many circumstances, work, distance, other demands.
So as of July 1st. We decided to take a breather, give eachother space and time. Not sure how long it will last. If its going to take 2 weeks or 2 months. We don't even know what to call it....?????
I have asked him again "do you want to throw in the towel" and he keeps telling me no! Im just confussed, just as your are. Part of me wants to believe him, the other part says "this is his way of a soft blow" to end the relationship. What is your take?
I have already made the steps to disconnect myself from him. Deleted all his loving voice messages, e-mails, phone no's, took down his pictures and put way the cards. In my mind I have to say "its over" even though my heart does not want to let go.
If he does call to "check-in" to see how i am, I don't want that. I want to either hear, I miss you and I want this, or I think its best to end this. Which at that point I have hopefully moved on. We will have to connect sometime or another because we have a trip booked and paid for, for Sept, 25th....Not sure whats going to happen there.
Mimmi
Answer Hello again, Mimmi,
It sounds precisely like you are taking a break. Like I said, could be a very good thing. Only problem is that it doesn't sound like you set up boundaries like it says in the link I gave you. Why do I think that? Because you said you're not sure exactly what this is and you don't know how long it will last.
To be sure that there are no miscommunications problems or dropped balls, you two really should connect once more to be sure you set boundaries: what degree of contact will you have, what about seeing others, and (very important) when you will reconvene to assess the relationship again.
Mimmi, give the guy a call. Figure these things out. Then, just ride it out, and go from there once the "break" is over.
