AboutLeon Scott Baxter Expertise I can answer questions about keeping love in committed relationships alive and fresh. I am
not the guy to go to if you're having marital problems or if you want to know how to meet
someone. (I've never been good at opening lines.)
I am dedicated to keeping the romance fires burning even after the embers of a new
relationship turn cold. Let me help you find ways to be excited about each other and your
relationship again.
Experience I have written two books, Out of the Doghouse , and A Labor With Love, to help keep romance alive in relationships. I give romance advice locally on radio have a regular newspaper column on relationships. I host a website, CouplesCommittedToLove.com, where I offer advice and give daily romance tips. I also have hosted the seminars, "Romance 101" and "The Valentine Prep Course".
Publications Santa Barbara Independent Magazine, MenStuff.com, SBParent.com, The Goleta Valley Voice, EducationNews.org
Education/Credentials Bachelor's Degree from the University of California, Santa Barbara, as well as a teaching credential.
Awards and Honors KLITE Community Hero and Ben & Jerry's Citizen Cool for my work with children and their focus on academic and personal improvement.
Listed in Who's Who in America. Name was placed on the National Wall of Tolerance for taking a stand against hate, injustice and intolerance.
In high school, voted "Most Likely To Host Saturday Night Live by 1999". Unfortunately, Lorne Michaels never called.
Expert: Leon Scott Baxter Date: 7/1/2008 Subject: Lack of commuication
Question Hi there, I don't know if this should be in this section or in the friends section because its mainly about how I communicate. Anyways, here goes; I’m quite a shy person and don’t seem to communicate well with people, I’m a loner And I find it hard to make friends, ever since I was young I have always been very shy and only had very few friends but ever since we all moved on I’ve been on my own. Its nothing to do with how I look because I’m generally a very nice looking person, as many would say. I feel as though something is wrong with me because I can’t talk properly, its like when people engage into a conversation with me, I can’t seem to keep it going, I find it extremely difficult. At work I’ve been invited on many occasions to come over to some parties but Again, the shyness kicks in and I refuse their offers, somtimes I fear of saying something stupid that people would just laugh at me for. I suppose it may be something to do with my upbringing because my parents told me never to speak to strangers and never to venture out alone into the parks, when I was young I always had to be accompanied by my brother. And because of him, the friends he made, were also mine because I befriended them along with him. My parents believed that only the sons of the family are allowed to be alone when they are young but the daughters are not and need extra care and protection, they were overly protective over me, wheras they weren’t with my brothers. So as you can I’ve lived a very isolated life. One day, one of my childhood friends fostered a caring-strong friendship with me and somehow we just ended up falling in love 10 years later, I’ve been with him for almost 2 years now, I’m 22 and he’s 18. I’m also young looking for my age and quite immature when it comes to knowledge, as for him, he’s more mature than me and more likely the grown up one out the relationship because he makes all the decisions. We are in love with each other and we are kinda engaged aswell but he doesn’t want his mother to know until he's decided when he wants to get married, I’m guess it’ll be a few more years maybe, we are very serious about each other and know each other well. (obviously) I mean we have formed not only a friendship but a wonderful love for each other aswell, its just so nice, you could call us the childhood sweet-hearts. :) I can speak to him openly about anything but I can never go into deep conversations with him or have adult/naughty type chats with him, I find it hard. He obviously knows I’m a quiet type, and his family/friends see that too, whenever I meet them. I feel that our relationship is perfect but its really lacking deep conversations, most our conversations are only about general stuff like; what I’ve been doing and how I’ve been, etc. Never more, I just can’t automatically come up with a conversation. I wish I was out-going but I’m not…I’m like a mouse, whenever he calls me, sometimes I run out of what to say and I don’t know what to say. I really hope that one day he doesn’t get bored of me for it. I know he loves me because of me, I'm caring, loving, extremely loyal/faithful, warm-hearted and cute too. I NEED to talk! Please help me what should I do?
(I asked Todd the same question but he couldn't answer it, even though he says clearly in his profile that he can give advice on commucation)
Answer Hello Nazia,
Your lack of communication and shyness, could be a combination of your upbringing as well as your personality. But, there are ways to open up more. No guarantee, though, that you'll be the life of the party. Yet, you should be able to feel more comfortable around people, and your boyfriend.
Are you familiar with he famous actor, James Earl Jones? He's done many films over the years. He was the voice of Darth Vader in Star Wars. Well, people love his voice. It's deep and strong and memorable. He wasn't born with this voice. He developed it. Why? He was a stutterer. He was very insecure about speaking because of his difficulty. So, he took voice lessons, and made a conscious effort to do exactly what he was most fearful of. Now, he's known for his incredible voice.
Nazia, you may need to do the same. You may have to force yourself out of your comfort zone. What does that mean? Could be singing at karaoke nights. Could be hosting a party and being sure to introduce guests to each other. Could be saying a speech at the next wedding you attend or making a toast at a birthday party. I know that I am very shy around strangers and on stage. It's the reason why I seek out the opportunity to talk to large groups or hold a seminar. I get terrified just beforehand, but when it starts going well, it feels great. When it's over, what a wonderful feeling of accomplishment! I can't wait to do it again.
As far as taking it to your relationship, after being together for two years, most couples are comfortable enough to talk openly about most things. And, the silence, unlike at the beginning of relationships, is usually not at all uncomfortable. It sounds like that may not be the case for you. Does he seem uncomfortable when there's silence in your talks?
You might want to try an activity one night. Make a list of topics as a couple: favorite books, childhood memories, best meal, favorite holiday, scariest movie, etc... Put them on a sheet of paper and give yourselves an hour (maybe). Pick one topic and the two of you start talking about it. Just have a conversation. When neither of you can fill the void of silence, jump down the list to the next topic. And, it's okay if you start on your favorite meal, and that leads to your favorite restaurant, which leads to a funny story that took place there, which reminds you of a joke. You want that, a stream of consciousness.
Ideally, you would like to be able to talk together without the list at all, one thing leading to the next. But, the list is thee to fall back on. After an hour, you stop and discuss what you discovered. You can do it once a week for a few months and see if your communication improves.
About dirty talk, some people just don't feel comfortable with it. It just isn't them. They try it, and it doesn't feel natural, nor is it a turn on. So, if you haven't tried it, maybe give it a try after your boyfriend starts. If it doesn't feel good, then just don't do it anymore. Do you like it when he says it? Or, is it just something that doesn't work at all for you?
