AboutKathleen Nickerson, PhD Expertise Do you feel like your partner is pulling away or pushing you away? Feel invisible, unappreciated, unloved, and neglected? It doesn't have to be this way and I'd love to help you. As an expert in working with couples who want to strengthen and repair their relationships, I've worked with many people who feel just the way you do. I understand how painful and hurtful these situations can be; it would be my honor to assist you. I am a licensed clinical psychologist with special training in couples counseling.
Experience I am a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in helping couples strengthen and repair their relationships. I love what I do because I love love - I am eternally optimistic about relationships and believe that any marriage can be made better.
Organizations American Psychological Association
Orange County Psychological Association
University of California IRB
Orange County Mental Health Board
Founder, Mental Health Advisory Board, OH, Inc.
Publications I love to share my knowledge with others and in recent years, I have had the privilege of speaking at more than 150 local and national conferences and training programs. I have also been a featured guest on numerous local radio and television programs. In addition to speaking, I enjoy writing and have written over 75 professional publications. My first book, Speaking Up: How to Get Help for Children Living in Abusive Homes, is used as a textbook for teachers and provides a comprehensive overview of child abuse reporting. I collaborated with colleagues to write Save the Date, a curriculum for the United States Department of Justice for teens on developing healthy dating relationships. I am currently at work on two new books to be released later this year: It's All In Your Head: Secrets To Staying Happy and Healthy & Divorcing Your Inner Fat Girl: The Smart Woman's Guide To Emotional Health After Weight Loss.
Education/Credentials PhD - Clinical Psychology, Capella University
MA - Developmental Psychology, Capella University
B - Chemistry, University of California, Irvine
Awards and Honors Please see my website for a complete bio: www.drkathynickerson.com
Question Hi Kathleen, how are you? My name is Laura, I'm almost 24 and I've been with my boyfriend Adam, 26, for a year. Things are great, we really love eachother, and we're discussing marriage and moving in together and all that. Things are pretty perfect, except for one terrible thing that I just cannot get past: he has a pretty big porn habit. His computer, XBox 360, and other such technological devices are LOADED with dirty videos of women with bodies like....well unlike mine. I'm not fat, but I can pinch a little like most people. He says he finds me sexy and beautiful and that the porn is just for "variety" and stuff....but it still makes me feel really REALLY bad about myself. When we're togther, everytime he turns on the xbox or laptop, he has to click out of several porn video boxes before he can do whatever it is we were trying to do. It completely unnerves me and makes me annoyed and depressed for a good while afterwards. Now I'm no angel, I've looked at porn a few times in my life, but I can't boast of having an actual collection and I don't frequently view this stuff. The fact that he drools and um, pleasures himself to images of beautiful women that I just don't look like makes me feel absolutely awful and I have no idea how to go about feeling better. Can you help me? It would be super appreciated.
Thank you!
~Laura
Answer Hi Laura. Thanks so much for your question and I can understand why you feel the way you do. I doubt many women would feel good about their partners looking at porn which such frequency.
Before I give you some ideas about how to make things better, I think I should tell you that I have a small bias here. I am not fundamentally opposed to pornography. I don't think it's necessarily bad or evil, as long as it is depicting reasonable and loving acts between two consenting adults. However, so much of the pornography that is created is not of this type, so without knowing what your boyfriend is looking at, I can't really evaluate how degrading or concerning it might be.
That said, I think the first and best place to start is to tell him how his porn activities impact you. You might tell him how you feel when you see him looking at porn; you might tell him how it causes you to doubt yourself and causes you some anxiety. I would hope that upon hearing this, he'd step back and ask himself: what's more important - my relationship or my porn?
If he responds by saying "it's no big deal" or "everyone does it" or "you're being too sensitive," you might say, "Well, that could be, HOWEVER, I feel ____________________ when I see that you have 95 porn windows open on the computer when I come over and it is hurting our relationship. I am not asking you to give up the porn, just to treat me and my feelings with a bit more sensitivity. I would really like you to _________________________." Then you can discuss options....is it ok with you that he looks at porn sometimes? Would you like him to never look at porn?
I think it's really important to be clear about how you feel, why the behavior (looking at porn) hurts you, and what you'd like him to do differently.
Odds are that he's a good guy who cares about you and doesn't want to hurt you. If so, I'd imagine that he'll be ok about accommodating any reasonable request you make. But if he tells you that he needs his porn or that it is very important to him, you might need to ask yourself if this is what you imagined your prince charming doing and saying to you. Usually prince charming doesn't pick the tv, game, or "program" over the girl.
Best of luck sweetheart, please let me know how the conversation goes.
