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About Kathleen Nickerson, PhD
Expertise
Do you feel like your partner is pulling away or pushing you away? Feel invisible, unappreciated, unloved, and neglected? It doesn't have to be this way and I'd love to help you. As an expert in working with couples who want to strengthen and repair their relationships, I've worked with many people who feel just the way you do. I understand how painful and hurtful these situations can be; it would be my honor to assist you. I am a licensed clinical psychologist with special training in couples counseling.
Experience
I am a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in helping couples strengthen and repair their relationships. I love what I do because I love love - I am eternally optimistic about relationships and believe that any marriage can be made better.
Organizations
American Psychological Association
Orange County Psychological Association
University of California IRB
Orange County Mental Health Board
Founder, Mental Health Advisory Board, OH, Inc.
Publications
I love to share my knowledge with others and in recent years, I have had the privilege of speaking at more than 150 local and national conferences and training programs. I have also been a featured guest on numerous local radio and television programs. In addition to speaking, I enjoy writing and have written over 75 professional publications. My first book, Speaking Up: How to Get Help for Children Living in Abusive Homes, is used as a textbook for teachers and provides a comprehensive overview of child abuse reporting. I collaborated with colleagues to write Save the Date, a curriculum for the United States Department of Justice for teens on developing healthy dating relationships. I am currently at work on two new books to be released later this year: It's All In Your Head: Secrets To Staying Happy and Healthy & Divorcing Your Inner Fat Girl: The Smart Woman's Guide To Emotional Health After Weight Loss.
Education/Credentials
PhD - Clinical Psychology, Capella University
MA - Developmental Psychology, Capella University
B - Chemistry, University of California, Irvine
Awards and Honors
Please see my website for a complete bio: www.drkathynickerson.com
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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > How to Strengthen Your Relationship > Love and relationships
Expert: Kathleen Nickerson, PhD
Date: 8/13/2008
Subject: Love and relationships
Question
Background info:
I am 32 years old and my partner Carol is also 32. We have been together for almost 3 years. At the time I met Carol, she was recovering from a failed relationship of 6 years which ended in legal proceedings over property (even though they weren’t married or had any children). Carol ended it with her previous partner although she felt a lot of guilt about not feeling right with her previous partner. Since then the legal proceedings has resolved and we were on /off during this time. We have been more stable this year as I moved into her place at the start of 2008. We have spoken about having children together and getting married and we would both love to do this.
Carol changed careers from Engineering to Teaching 3 years ago. She has a lot of stress surrounding work – there is a high workload, the other teachers can be ‘bitchy’ and Carol feels that there are a lot of menial tasks. She is unsure of her career direction. Carol tends to be quite critical of herself and others (including me!). She also can get anxious. Even though I think she’s beautiful, she doesn’t see herself that way. Carol was an only child and brought up by her mother. Her father was in and out of her life and did not have a large hand in being a responsible parent. He had affairs which led to their divorce. Carol’s mother is kind and caring however can be dominant. Carol looks to her mother often when she is not feeling great for emotional support.
My parents are from an ethnic background (Asian). They divorced 2 years ago. My mother can be a dominant Asian parent. Although they are both in my life, I feel a bit distant from them. My mother says she stayed together with my father for us ‘the kids’ and that she sacrificed her life for us. My father is not totally open and honest with me. I have 1 older sister who lives overseas. We aren’t close. I am a Physical Therapist and my job is not as stressful as Carol’s. I am happy in my work.
Current Dilemma:
Carol has said to me that she feels that we don’t connect and that she feels we might be ‘making a mistake’. She has also said that she doesn’t feel like we are still in love like how it’s described in songs and movies. She is regretful that we didn’t start our relationship/ meet when she was not ‘recovering from her previous relationship.’ Carol thinks there may be issues with our cross-cultural backgrounds and that it may be easier for her with an “Anglo” partner.
I feel that we are in love. I know I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I feel at peace when I am near Carol. I also feel anxious when I know that she is not feeling great. I know we still laugh together (although those times are less at the moment) and we definitely connect intellectually. Are we still in love? I am willing to work on improving our relationship but I feel the same pattern comes up with Carol wanting to break-up when things aren’t going well or if she is not happy. How can I break this pattern?
Answer
Hi Martin. Thank you so much for your question, especially for your very clear and concise explanation and history. I am sorry for the pain you must be feeling now, it sounds like things are very confusing.
In reading about your current dilemma and Carol's history, my hunch is that she's trying to push you away to see if you will keep coming back to her. You wrote that her father was in/out of her life, so she may have a really hard time trusting a man to stay with her. I could be completely wrong, but typically, women who have been left by their fathers struggle profoundly with feeling secure in a relationship.
I'd recommend you sit down with Carol and talk about a couple of things:
First, in order to break the pattern you've noticed, try to identify the negative cycle that goes on in your relationship. I have created a handout for my clients to help them identify their cycles and you can access it here: http://www.drkathynickerson.com/HW_Couples_Wk2.doc.
Then talk about the things she tells you and how these statements make you feel. You might say, "When you say it doesn’t feel like we are still in love like how it’s described in songs and movies, I feel defeated because I don't think that's what real love is like and I worry that unless I am constantly sweeping you off your feet, you will be disappointed in me." Then you could say something about what you'd like her to say instead and what you're really longing to hear from her.
Also, when she she is regretful about not recovering from her previous relationship, talk to her about what this really means. How would things have been different? What does she worry about? Also tell her how hearing such things makes you feel. Many guys would feel a bit hurt and hopeless upon hearing such things because it's not something they can do anything about.
You sound like you love Carol very much and I think the relationship can be much better. Understanding why she's pushing you away will be key, as will understanding the cycle you get caught in.
I hope this helps and please let me know if there's anything else I can do for you.
Warmly,
Kathy
www.drkathynickerson.com
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