AboutKindred Beisinger Expertise I am able to answer questions regarding dating, courtship, and marriage after divorce. I feel equipped to address questions and comments regarding old baggage and past mistakes. I can also answer questions pertaining to blended families and step-children. I can not answer questions that involve manipulating the partners behavior or outlook.
Experience I am a minister that teaches and counsels G-d's instruction for stable relationships. My husband and I have both been married before. I have worked with battered women and facilitated groups for men with anger issues. As a minister, I have officiated several weddings in the past decade, with only one resulting in divorce.
Expert: Kindred Beisinger Date: 8/22/2008 Subject: Taking a break in a relationship
Question My boyfriend and I met our sophomore year of college and sparks flew for 3 years. Here we are now on a break. It was his idea because he thinks that at 22 years old we need to see what else is out there, experience life, be single for a while, feel free etc. He thinks it would be beneficial for both of us to go and see what else is out there now and he thinks this break is the best thing for both of us in the long run. I agree and I don't agree. I miss him INCREDIBLY, it takes up my entire mind no matter what I do to move on. I have even taken his words and applied them to my life and have gone out with 2 different guys, neither really did much for me, not because I was comparing them to him but there was just no or little connection on my part. This is hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I get panic attacks about him not coming back to me thinking if he ends things for good it will be the biggest mistake of his life and it will ruin mine because I believe we are meant for each other.
Anyway, I know he misses me and misses us because he told me. I haven't contacted him at all because I know it would be wrong to contact him. But he has e-mailed me and texted me a few times to see how I am doing and he has spoken to my friends to get advice on whether they think he did the wrong thing or not, so CLEARLY he is confused. I mean I know he is confused because his words are "I'm enjoying being single at the moment, I can see the allure in it but to make things complicated I miss us as a couple and I miss you."
Now I don't know what to do with myself. I am REALLY trying to move on without him (assuming he isn't going to come back because if I assume the other way I may set myself up, although trying to move on is just as tough). Oh and one more thing, he put a time frame on this. He wants to re-evaluate things in October to see where we are both at. I am not counting on anything and am really trying to forget about him but I still check his facebook, I look at old e-mails (he told me he does too) etc. So it's hard plus I am waiting to start my new job so I have a lot of down time so I think a lot.
Now from my perspective I don't think a serious relationship is what I need right now. I'm starting a new job, looking at grad schools (and we are both recent graduates so that adds to the mix of everything being new so maybe he thinks he needs to start fresh or something). But I do miss him in my life as my best friend, my boyfriend etc. I would be willing to take things slow with him (like not jump right back into a relationship but just go out and not have a set day to see each other every week, but just play it by ear, day by day kinda thing).
This is so incredibly hard for me. It feels like I am just stuck, waiting. But I really am trying to get on with my life while he figures out stuff. I really think he would be throwing away something really really special because what we have is amazing and he just wants to see if the grass is greener pretty much.
His friends tell me he needs space and time and they believe he could come back. They all see me as "his girl". They and I can't imagine his life without me in.
However, I don't want you to think I'm taking this lying down. I am meeting new people, I got out with my friends all the time, I have hobbies and I like to exercise. But the one thing that makes me truly feel great is temporarily or permanently gone. I just don't know.
What do you think of all this? Could he come back?
Thanks for your help
Laurel
Answer Dear Laurel,
Even if he comes back, then what? I am not a bit comfortable with his "rules." After 3 years and college is accomplished, now he wants a break . . . I don't care for his style. He texts and he checks on you, but you can't initiate the communication? And oh, he's made an "evaluation appointment" for October. I, personally, wouldn't be there, if I was in your shoes. If this is meant to be, it needs to be more mutual. If this is not meant to be, I think this is the perfect time, for you to move on, not making a point of getting over him or counting down til October, but simply having less time to focus on him. I think there is a nice guy out there for you and from what I've read in this, it isn't this guy. There are a number of guys and girls that just need that "steady girl or guy" through the school years so they aren't alone and then when they have their chance at the big wide world, they don't want to be in a committed relationship, just in case . . .
Enjoy your new job and if he matures by October and gets less selfish, great. If not, you'll be establishing your life as a single woman with her entire future ahead of her.
I wish you well and much happiness.
Kind Regards,
Kindred
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