AboutLeon Scott Baxter Expertise I can answer questions about keeping love in committed relationships alive and fresh. I am
not the guy to go to if you're having marital problems or if you want to know how to meet
someone. (I've never been good at opening lines.)
I am dedicated to keeping the romance fires burning even after the embers of a new
relationship turn cold. Let me help you find ways to be excited about each other and your
relationship again.
Experience I have written two books, Out of the Doghouse , and A Labor With Love, to help keep romance alive in relationships. I give romance advice locally on radio have a regular newspaper column on relationships. I host a website, CouplesCommittedToLove.com, where I offer advice and give daily romance tips. I also have hosted the seminars, "Romance 101" and "The Valentine Prep Course".
Publications Santa Barbara Independent Magazine, MenStuff.com, SBParent.com, The Goleta Valley Voice, EducationNews.org
Education/Credentials Bachelor's Degree from the University of California, Santa Barbara, as well as a teaching credential.
Awards and Honors KLITE Community Hero and Ben & Jerry's Citizen Cool for my work with children and their focus on academic and personal improvement.
Listed in Who's Who in America. Name was placed on the National Wall of Tolerance for taking a stand against hate, injustice and intolerance.
In high school, voted "Most Likely To Host Saturday Night Live by 1999". Unfortunately, Lorne Michaels never called.
I was just wondering what you thought, I haven't spoke to Chris for 8 days now. Which is very unusual. We usually speak every day. I'm wondering what's wrong. Whether I over stepped the line by saying that I would never speak to him again, like he's thinking that I don't want to speak to him so he won't act first (he's been like this before, he puts everyone else before himself so if he thinks that's what I want...) I blurted it all out because I was obsessed about him choosing someone else over me.
What do you think I should do, I'm worried about him. With all his financial problems I don't want him to think i've turned my back on him when he's most vulnerable???
ANSWER: Hello again, Alice,
This sounds like a game of poker and he just may be bluffing. He's keeping his poker face for so long, you are thinking that maybe he's serious. Maybe he really does have a full house in his hand. So, you are becoming worried.
If you are concerned, why not shoot him an email just to let him know that you've opened the lines of communication. Not an apology. Not a love letter. Just a "Thought I'd send you an e-mail to see how you are. Haven't heard from you in awhile."
If he responds, "Well, you told me never to talk to you again." Just be honest: "I was mad, and that blurted out. I still wouldn't mind talking to you now and again, but lets' try to both be civil."
Just open the door to communication a crack, and let him push it ajar.
QUESTION: I've been thinking I should try something along those lines. Just one more thing, I will ask him to meet up and we can go for a drink. I would like your opinion and how to approach reconciliation. Like you said I don't want to make an apology, after all I was not wrong in anything I said but I would like to make amends. Prove he can trust me and allow him to entertain the thought of not losing me ever again. I believe that if I can do this, we can perhaps move forward.
After reading your website quite thoroughly (what an excellent resource it is by the way) I am 100% sure that we were suffering from tall, thin love. So advice on how to reignite that initial passion would be well received. Maybe that could spark his attraction and memory.
So just some ideas how I can talk to him. Do you think I should ask whether he has decided about this other girl also or should I just concentrate on me and him, and have a great night regardless??
Thanks ever so much Leon, I will keep you posted
ANSWER: Hello again, Alice,
First, I would recommend not going to this meeting with the intent of reconciling. Go at it with an open mind and the opportunity to express your thoughts and feelings. If the opportunity arises and you can see that he's giving you hints that maybe this can work again, then just ask, "Where do you see us going?" or "Where do you see us in a month from now?" If he responds favorably, then ask," How should we get on that path to make this happen?"
QUESTION: Hi Leon,
Just to let you know. I took your advice last week and text him. To cut a long story short he'd deleted my number because that's what he 'thought I wanted'. Obviously didn't understand the reverse psychology. I've since had 2 phone conversations with him and the last one was really weird. Every time I tried to talk to him about what he wanted he kept saying things like 'you've made your decision', 'I thought this was what you wanted', 'You told me to delete your number'. Then he said that he just wanted to live his life (I have never been one of those people that constantly ask what time he'll be home, where he is, who he's with, i'm just not like that - so where he's got this idea like i've held him back - i can only assume - I don't know!) His tone of voice seemed strange as well like he was angry, maybe confused. I'm not sure. I asked if he thought me should meet up and sort things and he said 'maybe'. Which wasn't great. I asked him to text me later. I rang my mum shortly after and it all slipped out. When I saw her later she told me she'd rang him and basically had a good 'word' with him. Then told him that they should meet up. Frankly I was nearly 100% sure he wouldn't turn up, after all he is now seeing this girl. But he did! He said that he thinks a lot of me and is not sure what to do. Plus, he seems convinced I'm too good for him. Mum told him to text me when he knew what he was working next week and we'd meet up and have a good, honest chat. So that's where I am. Completely confused. He must care about me if he's willing to talk and meet up with my mum. I just can't understand it. I'm not sure what to do. I do love him and i do want to work things out but I am hurt and I don't know how to resolve this situation. I wish I could say the right thing, do the right thing for him to fall for me again. I know it's not one sided and he needs to regain my trust but i'm obviously choosing the wrong angle on what to say to him. I need to grasp his attention, but i'm just so confused! Please help, I need a good idea of what to say on this meeting, as before i'm not planning on speaking about this other girl but I need something I can say to discover he needs me in his life. If that makes sense? Thanks.
Answer Hello again, Alice,
I know you feel like you need to figure out what to do or to say to convince him that you two need to be together. But, that thing doesn't exist. There's really nothing you can do or say. I mean, you have already done all you can.
There's no magic action or phrase that will make him drop his current girl and run for you forever. He's got issues he's dealing with right now. He's torn. I think you are right. He does have feelings for you. But we don't really know what else he is feeling and what's pulling him in the other direction.
If he knows how you feel, then you give him distance, that will allow him to think on his own.. clearly, without feeling pressured Does that guarantee that he'll choose you? Of course not. But, there are no guarantees in love. that's what makes it so risky and so powerful when it's right. But, that's what also makes it so confusing and painful when it's wrong.
What do you say to him? You tell him what's on your mind and in your heart without attacking, becoming defensive or begging. And, trust that you will speak your mind and all will get out in the open. Sorry I don't have more for you.
