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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > How to Strengthen Your Relationship > Getting Over Anger; Trusting Again
Expert: Kindred Beisinger penname K D Elizabeth Beisinger - 10/28/2009
Question
My wife and I have been struggling tremendously for over 2 years, and are at a critical point in our marriage. We have 2 young children (6 and 8). We have seen marital counseling 2 times, so we are committed to making the marriage work. We both love each other and want to do what’s best for our marriage, kids, and family. However, I think my wife is at the breaking point and has lost faith we can resolve our issues. It has not been fun for either of us for a long time and time together is always tense. Luckily we keep our kids sheltered from this and they are seemingly unaffected.
We seem to revisit and rehash a lot of the same issues over and over – together and in counseling (time spent outside of our relationship with friends, agreement on finances, etc.). Nothing seems to be resolved and as such, we continuously argue at home. We both, especially my wife, now has a ton of pent up frustration and anger. I feel that she is more willing to discuss these issues with her best friends than with me, and such I now feel even awkward around our friends. We have lost each others’ trust, friendship, and need desperately to get over this pent up anger quickly.
I know I contribute a lot to this situation. I appreciate your advice and recommendations. Should I see a counselor on my own or would it help again for us to go again for a 3rd round of marital counseling.
Answer
Dear Jeff,
I'm sorry I didn't answer this immediately, but I've been thinking and praying about it. This isn't one of those situations in which I was confident in my advice, but the longer I've thought about it, the more sure I am, that I at least need to share this idea. Marriage isn't just about love and emotions, there is a practical "contract" side to it as well.
Here are my thoughts.
Sit down and agree that you both love each other and want to maintain a family, but . . .
The problems that continue to be revisited and rehashed are not just what's between you now. The revisiting and rehashing has destroyed the friendship portion of the relationship.
Here we go with the contract. And make it a closed ended deal that will be evaluated at that date.
I'd say try it for one month and see where you are at the end of it.
First, everyone fights over finances, so each of you get a certain amount of free money or neither of you do. Groceries, rent or mortgage, etc. all of that is to be determined and budgeted and anything for the children is part of the budget or an emergency.
Next, both of you get an agreed upon free time without each other. Remember if both work outside the home, then housework has to be negotiated as well. If she is a stay at home mom, then her job is that and it needs to be recognized as such. At any rate, if you have a "boys night out," she gets some girl's time, same amount and both of you should be able to come home to an orderly house with no arguments.
I'm not suggesting a lot of time separate, but just make a level playing field and have enough time "out of each other's face and space" to allow each of you to remember what made you like each other and ultimately love each other.
My advice is for one month, do not work on the relationship but rather do something we tend to forget about with those closest to us.
"Do unto others, as you would have others do unto you." Treat each other the way you would like to be treated . . . really.
Then at the end of the month, see where you are. Make the evaluation time a set apart time for just the two of you. It doesn't quite qualify for a date, but just the two of you for a couple of uninterrupted hours, a nice dinner or at least appetizers. Make the evaluation time like a friendly business meeting or something along those lines. No intense marital pressure. See where you both are and go from there.
I would definitely not recommend anything that you've already done that has not yielded any desired results. That in itself lends to further anger and frustration.
I wish you well and if I can be of further assistance, don't hesitate to write back.
Kind Regards,
KD Liz
www.eingedi.us
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