Past/Present clients Hundreds of people from all walks of life. Experience: 25 years in the field of Personistics (innate personality characteristics)that includes: private personality profiling, Life Guidance Coaching, Business consulting, teaching numerous classes & seminars, lectures, and participating in radio talk shows.
Question My boyfriend and I have been exclusively dating for 9 months now. We are both 30, never been married nor have any children. Before I get into our current situation, let me explain our history together. He and I met when we were 18, dated for about 3 or 4 months and I broke up with him. I broke it off; due to someone else I wanted to date. We dated again, when we were about 20 same situations. We dated again about 22, same situation but this time we slept together for the first time. He had never been with a girl that way until then. Then same break up situation happened again. We never saw each other till last summer we connected on face book (8 years later). Obviously between this time, he and I have had other relationships and experiences. We are totally different people now then when we were younger. We dated last summer for about 3 months and he actually broke up with me!!! We didn't talk for 4 months and he later got into contact with me and asked if we could really try on a 'real relationship,' together. Ever since then we have been dating almost 10 months now...this has been the longest we dated consecutively. Its obvious that there is something between us otherwise we wouldn't want to keep dating each other. We also love each other and have finally said it to each other during this time dating.
I believe that our relationship has gotten to a point were we need to make a decision on where we are going. We either take our relationship to the next level or we break it off. He has suggested that I move in with him…but I said no because I moved in with other boyfriends before and basically those boyfriends never wanted to get married. Once I moved in, they were content with us just dating. I would love to move in with him, because I love him and I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I told him, that I wouldn’t move in until we were engaged. He is not ready to be engaged, but feels that if we move in together we would figure out if our relationship will work and eventually it would lead up to that. –This is the same situations I have been faced with. Every time I talk about engagement he gets defensive. He makes statements like: Why are you in a rush to get married, this is the first time we are really dating. Etc.
When discussing my issues with his roommate, his roommate believes my boyfriend does have commitment issues. He has never seem him dating someone as long as we are now…my boyfriend has been one to go do his own thing and hang out with his friends. He has asked my boyfriend when you and her plan on getting married do and my boyfriend is quick to shrug it off etc. His roommate believes that I should almost make an ultimatum otherwise he would be comfortable just dating forever.
His mother has actually made a trip out to see me to talk about our relationship. Her own doing. She wanted to tell me that he really loves me and has always been in love with me since we were 18, and she believes he wants to take the next step but is afraid of failure. She tells me to not give up, and that she would love to have me as a daughter in law. She also was trying to explain him to me, to possibly help me understand him and why he is so afraid of things.
So my questions are… does he have commitment issues and am I wrong for not wanting to move in until I am married. Am I wasting my time, and should I move on?
Answer Dear Melissa,
You are smart, smart, smart for not moving in with him. Do not do it. You are right, it is like having all the benefits of marriage with no commitment and it is just too easy to like it that way and not have to make a commitment. Personally, I believe that waiting until after for marriage also has its definite benefits. It makes you more valuable and respected and if a guy is willing to date you just for you, it shows his intentions.
I do, indeed think that he has commitment issues and that is a huge reason not to move in with him and also he is 30. That is old enough to know your own mind and if he is not ready to take a step forward to commit to marriage (I still would not move in until after marriage because he may talk himself into thinking that once you move in, he can relax and the pressure will be off).
So, I would indeed give him an ultimatum. I would tell him that if he wants to put his whole life on hold just in case something might fail, then that is his privilege, taking a risk is part of life and you are not really living your life unless you take risks. There is no safe way to find happiness. Life is a risk, period. Tell him that either he faces that facts or he needs to be honest with the women he dates and tell them he has no intention of marrying anyone and perhaps he can find someone who also does not want to get married.
In the meantime, he should not be messing with another person's life and dreams by leading them on in any way. Tell him that he is all grown up now and can be honest about what he really wants in life and that if always plays the safe way, you do not want him any way. Living a good life has to be created and it takes courage to go for the gusto. "If you want to stay a wimp all your life then go right ahead but count me out."
It takes courage for you to go for what you want, too. If he tells you that you are trying to force him to make a decision tell him that you wouldn't force him for the world but that if you are going to live your life and get what you want you can't wait around for him forever to make up his mind.
So, that seems to be your choice unless you want to keep dangling on a string.
